Urgent help/support after an affair


***Urgent!  This seminar is taking place April 17-19th in New Jersey and there is still space!  Register or send this to a friend.  You can change her life for the better***


Have you recently discovered your husband’s affair?

Did your husband or wife confess their affair to you?

Have you tried to recover, but see no other option but divorce?

Are you healing together as a couple, or does your wayward spouse not promote healing for you and you are doing it alone?

Did your spouse leave you for the other woman or man?

Whether you found out on your own, or whether it was confessed, whether you are working on your marriage, or have taken steps towards separation or divorce, one thing is true: You have been betrayed, and have experienced significant trauma. Whether you go it alone, or with the support of your spouse, you will need to find solid ground again, love yourself, move forward, and exist happily in a future relationship, if one is in your future.

Recovery is hard.  Recovering from my husband’s affair is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I am one who has seen a lot of hardship and who has risen to meet many challenges.  I would not wish this journey on anyone (except maybe his mistress), and if I have learned anything from this, it is that support and understanding from others is crucial.  I’ve lost friends and family as a result of his affair.  Some people simply can’t relate or take the strain.  Many crack and fall away when a couple reveals difficulties like this one.  Seeking support is so important, and one of the many reasons I suggest finding support groups in your area to meet with regularly, to vent, to cry and to learn.

I can’t say enough about Anne and Brian Bercht, whose “healing from affairs weekend” catapulted me so far forward in my journey, and for which I am forever grateful.  After all of that, I am pleased that there is also an option for betrayed spouses to attend a weekend, without their spouse, for a deep look at the struggles that we, as betrayed spouses, face.  I signed up for an upcoming weekend, and I could not be more excited.  I hope to come back a new person, if it is anything close to how I felt after the weekend that my husband and I spent together with them.

I am always sad to learn of men and women who are recovering alone, either because their spouse has left them, the marriage has ended, or they are working on it, but the one who is doing the work is the betrayed spouse, without the love and comfort of the one who deceived them.  This weekend is for anyone who has been betrayed and who want to heal, either alone or as part of a couple.

From their website:

During this journey of healing from affairs …

Are you stuck in your healing journey?
Do you feel devastated beyond words?
Do you feel isolated and alone?
Are you wondering if you can ever be happy again?
Are you confused about what to do?
Do you feel like no one understands you?
Do you feel embarrassed? Ashamed? Judged? Misunderstood?
Are you afraid about your future?
Are you furiously angry?
Do you struggle with obsessive thoughts?
Are you wondering how to take your life back?

Than this may be of interest to you …

At our Take Your Life Back Retreat you will get …

  • Rest and refreshment for your wounded soul
  • A chance to talk with others who understand
  • A time to cry
  • A time to laugh again
  • Clear perspective to make sense of this unfair event
  • Motivation to go back and live your life with strength again
  • Unstuck
  • Clarity about how to proceed with your future

And you will learn …

  • How to forgive
  • How to release the pain and sadness
  • How to stop the obsessive thoughts
  • How to deal effectively with anger
  • How to rebuild your self-esteem
  • How to live as victor and not a victim
  • How to make sensible decisions for the future
  • How to get on with your life in the best possible way for you

The Take Your Life Back seminar changed my life in SO many ways. On the first day of the seminar I could hardly talk and by the end I was feeling so strong and able to come back home and live life stronger and with more love and compassion in my heart. There are still many challenges that I struggle with but now I know that I am not alone. The very reason I went to the seminar was because I felt SO alone and in such turmoil. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, who was going through the same issues that I was. The seminar was packed full of opportunities for self discovery and I wouldn’t trade a moment of that weekend! It has been a year since discovery of the affair and I am so proud of myself. My children have said to me, several times, “Mom, you are the strongest person I know and when I am feeling like I can’t go on, I look at you and you inspire me to be strong too.” Those words make me cry every time I hear them from both of my girls and I couldn’t have done it without the Take Your Life Back weekend. I am so grateful for all my experience that weekend and Anne and Brian Bercht both were invaluable in helping me find the strength to move forward each and every day. I encourage everyone to go to the weekend and learn to find courage just like I did. I came away from that weekend with so many tools that I rely on almost every day. – SP, California

 

I just wanted to let anyone who is suffering know about this wonderful resource.  If you can manage it financially, I am certain you will feel it was worthwhile.  I believe in it so much, and I know Anne and Brian do too.  That’s why they always guarantee their classes.  If you haven’t checked it out, you can do so here.

A long overdue update


Yesterday I posted a new bog entry, and it was my first in a long time.  For a while, I was writing weekly.  Some weeks, I was writing daily.  Because writing is a great outlet for me, the degree to which I wrote was a clear indication of how much I was actively ‘processing’.

In the wake of the affair discovery, I was consumed with thoughts, fears, worries, self-deprecating beliefs, and struggling to make sense of my new reality.   In the coming months, as I found greater healing, I was able to turn the blog from a place of pain to a place of encouragement and hope for betrayed spouses.   While the comments section of any given post will often find its share of negative comments from OW’s or supporters of OW’s, the feedback has always been generally positive, so I continue to want to post, both to help others through, but also to keep an ongoing diary for myself.  I am also aware that some day, my children are going to be aware of what happened, and may view the contents of this blog.  I am also aware that as a means to understand affairs that produce OC’s (Other Chlidren), that the OW’s daughter may stumble upon this blog (and won’t she get an eyeful of much of the details of her mother’s behavior that has been creatively edited from the story she will have been told about her father,  and the woman who is responsible for depriving her of a father – me.

I haven’t had any cause to update the blog in a while because things have become strangely quiet.   It has been months since we’ve hurt anything major from the OW.  By months, I may very well mean a year or more.  The fact that I don’t actually remember, and can’t accurately tell you when the last time was I consider a credit to how healed I am.  I don’t feel I need to keep copious notes of her troublesome behavior, and I no longer ruminate on her actions to the point where I simply don’t remember.   It’s nice to not remember.  Not remembering, however, doesn’t mean that I forget.  I am reminded constantly of the infidelity of my husband.  It is just a new reality for me that I am now used to.   It has woven itself into the fabric of my life, but I can honestly say that it no longer causes me pain.

For those reading this, whether a new reader or someone who has read the story cover to cover so far, knowing that I am healed and still reminded of the affair may seem disheartening.  If you are in the active chaos of discovery, or in the midst of the pain and sadness, the hurt, the grief or the hopelessness, this comment likely doesn’t bring feelings of hope.  It is unrealistic to think that you will ever be in a time where you just don’t remember or when you aren’t reminded.  The key in the healing, however, is that the reminders and the sudden back-to-conscious-awareness of your spouse’s infidelity don’t need to continue to cause the same hurt and suffering, the same put in your stomach, the same paralysis that they do now.

So how am I reminded still?

As part of my healing, I attended several workshops hosted by my friends Anne and Brian Bercht.   Our friendship grew slowly out of a place of reliance on them to heal me and navigate the journey with me to a place where I am now actively involved on their coaching team, and as a leader for a local support group for betrayed spouses.  Each time I fly across the country to attend a weekend “Take Your Life Back” seminar. I read the stories submitted by the women who are attending (we coaches like to acquaint ourselves with everyone’s story before the weekend starts), and I am given a view back into the place of pain from which they are coming.  I hear the despair in their words, I read the rocky self-esteem, the self-blame, the desperate desire to want a magic bullet, and the desire to know whether they should stay or go.   Each month at our monthly support group meetings in my city, I discuss infidelity, I listen to the stories of the men and women who attend, and I search for encouraging words to help them navigate the journey that I know so well.  As a Pinterest pinner, I have an entire pin board related to inspirational quotes that deal with pain, betrayal and loss.  Each time a new one pops up, I add it to the collection, and am reminded of the club to which I now and forever belong.

But, simply because I am reminded doesn’t mean that I am sad.  It doesn’t mean that I actively hurt.  It just means that I honor the memories of where we have been, and can speak of those events now without the pain attached to them.   It is wonderfully freeing.

This past month, as the ladies who just attended the Phoenix “Take Your Life Back” weekend have been processing their grief and adding their experiences on our private chat room, I’ve come to see how different each person’s journey is, and how individual.  Not everyone experiences hysterical bonding the way I did.   It makes me wonder why some do, and some don’t.   Some people, upon hearing the news of the affair, immediately position themselves for divorce, and the thought of reconciliation doesn’t cross their minds.  For others, their first thought is how to fight for the marriage and get past the pain.  Same crisis, different approaches.  Some people get the truth given to them, others have to find it.  Some have all of the details given when asked, others have to wait for the trickle-truth which is traumatic over and over again each time new details are revealed.  We all have such different journeys, but they all carry the same burden – it hurts like hell…until it no longer does.

None of that to say that I don’t wish it had turned out differently.  I wish my husband hadn’t made the choices he made.  I wish he had found a more constructive outlet for dealing with the pressures he was under, and for filling the void that came as a result of multiple vulnerabilities.

What I wouldn’t change, however, is what I have learned about myself, my husband, and marriage in general.  I just wish I had the ability to receive the gains without the pains.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way

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It seems infidelity is everywhere you look, when you are willing to look for it.  I will admit, I was much happier in my blissful place of ignorace….or was I?  Some days I think I was, but I think I know better.  I much prefer being enlightened by the knowledge of tragedy than to be […]

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When the affair partner is pregnant: FREE teleseminar tonight


By now, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that I often mention, and provide as a resource Anne Bercht and the Passionate Life seminars provided through the Beyond Affairs Network to help betrayed spouses and couples healing from the devastation of an affair. Anne wrote the book “My husband’s […]

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Amazing opportunity for a betrayed wife


As many of you know who read my blog, I coach other women who are experiencing the pain and trauma of an affair with Anne and Brian Bercht. Anne and Brian are professional affair recovery specialists. who’s guided, gentle approach has helped hundreds and hundreds of couples, and betrayed wives heal from the pain of […]

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If you knew someone was being cheated on…would you tell?


This came up as a side conversation with some women I know. The idea came about that friends should have ground rules around whether they would, or would not want to know if their spouse was cheating, and if they would want their friends to tell them. I learned that some friends have pacts around […]

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Getting it off my chest


I started this blog as a means of reaching out to other betrayed spouses, in the midst of my own pain and healing journey.  I’ve always found that helping others is a great way to also help yourself. As my story was unfolding, bit by bit, I would blog in order to obtain support, but […]

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Toronto Affair Recovery Seminar


I am often asked “if you could pick one thing that propelled you forward in your healing, what would that one thing be?” Hands down, it was attending the “healing from affairs” weekend with Anne and Brian Bercht. Anne and Brian are affair recovery specialists. They have helped hundreds and hundreds of couples heal their […]

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Inside the mind of a mistress


I’ve just spent an hour sitting at the computer watching You Tube.  While seeking out some resources for a member of my local support group that I run, I came across a Dr. Phil episode whose topic was “Inside the mind of a mistress”.  As always, I was intrigued. Thoughts and comments always welcome. Parts […]

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Jumping on the betrayed-wife-bashing bandwagon

A further "Fuck you" to the betrayed wife

I get it…when people are from different sides of an argument, it is hard to see and accept the other side’s views.  With infidelity, like any other highly emotional and charged topic, it becomes even harder.  I struggled a great deal and did a lot of work in order to be able to see and […]

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