Stalking, Slander, and Surreptitiousness


There.  I said it.  I have a stalker.  It is my husband’s ex-mistress.  I kid you not, she actually does stalk me.  Perhaps I should be flattered that someone has taken such a long-standing interest in what I do, where I go, what my family is up to, how my business is operating, and whether there is “trouble in paradise”, but I don’t.  Frankly, I just wish she would grow up and move on.

Now, when pressed, of course, she will feign ignorance (it is part of her passive aggressive nature), and claim instead that her “friends” are checking up on me, my business, what is going on in my life, all because they “care” about her.  Now I should be frank and say that I am not sure these “friends” actually exist.  I am not saying that to be mean, it is simply a contemplative thought because as a woman, us women tend not to gravitate towards those who manipulate, coerce, guilt, tantrum, rope-in and abuse the people they have relationships with.  Wonen like that are hard to get along with.  They are hard to be at ease around.  They put you on edge, make you walk on eggshells and are generally unpleasant.  A person who responds to situations with this kind of hatred, animosity, selfishness, ignorance and entitlement can’t possible have many people around them.

Long before the affair was admitted, she was interested in me.  Perhaps it is part of the mistress agenda to get to know as much about the wife (the competition) as possible, in the same way that the betrayed wife ends up wanting to know as much about the mistress as she can.  From a tactical perspective, it certainly makes sense, but it doesn’t make it any more acceptable to me.

It started when she saved joke emails sent by my husband  which had also been sent to my family members in unison.  Therefore, their email addresses were visible, and I guess she thought they would come in handy.  She would later use these emails when she created a fake email account  in order to divulge the details of the affair to my family members.  She started watching my twitter feed to see what I was posting and what we were up to.  Were we going away on vacation, were we having a good time, were we happy?  She needed to know, and twitter was the fastest way to gain that information.  While she never formally followed me on twitter (i.e. didn’t link our accounts to get auto-updates), she would check the feed manually, and often. Via twitter she was able to learn what I was up to, my state of mind…you get the idea.

Over the course of several months, while the affair relationship was ongoing, she visited my twitter feed often, learning little details about my thoughts, feelings, whereabouts, happiness in my marriage.  She probably felt like she was spying on us virtually.  I guess it’s a good thing I don’t post everything to twitter :)  I had once tweeted that I found it interesting that the Tiffany’s jewelry store has a wish list which you can create and then email to your husband/boyfriend so that he knows what you like.  “How convenient!”, I thought, even though I am not a big jewelry wearer.  My husband had indicated a desire to buy me a Tiffany’s key, which had led me to the site in the first place, and my observation of there being a wish list was simply my being impressed that such a thing was possible.  During the texting marathon that she and my husband engaged in in the wake of the affair disclosure, she commented: “Oh I am sure this isn’t bother [your wife] one little bit.  All it takes is some Tiffany’s jewelry, and she is satisfied” and some further comments about how shallow I am that jewelry will make this all better.  For the record, I don’t wear a lot of jewelry.  I have worn the same diamond solitaire earrings in my ears since 2001 when my first son was born.  They were a gift from my husband on the birth of our first child.  We called them my “push present”.  I thought it was adorable.  They’ve remained in my ears ever since, and it has now been 10 years. My watch was purchased for me on my 5th wedding anniversary and is the only one I own.  My wedding band and engagement ring adorn my ring finger, and the 4th finger of my opposite hand has a family ring that my husband bought as the ‘push present’ for our last child.  I never take any of it off.  I am not one of those who rotates her jewelry, or showcases various pieces from her collection.  I am far too low maintenance to “accessorize” – just one more thing to think about, so I don’t bother.  I never have.  Her comment about me being shallow could not be further from the truth, but what can I expect from a woman who has already painted me with her brush, and who will refuse to see any information that contradicts her fixed false belief.   To do so would be a waste of my time.  If she should ever read this, perhaps this will let her know that she was horribly inaccurate.

She then visited the blog that I maintain for my business, and attempted to leave a cloaked comment about her relationship with my husband because she thought my consumers might want to “support me”.  Her comment was never published. I moderate my blog for this reason.

Two days after the affair was disclosed, my husband and I decided we needed a night out to ourselves.  We’d just been through the ringer, and really craved some alone time, a place where we could talk – uninterrupted.  I tweeted that day that we were going on a date, and she later referenced that in a text, saying “You’re going on a DATE?  What, are you using me and this situation to IMPROVE your marriage?”.  The answer to that, a resounding YES.  We had a family friend come to watch the kids, and she called our home 27 times that evening, hanging up each time she reached voicemail.  Our sitter doesn’t answer the phone, and allows each call to go to voicemail, but after the 28th attempt, she picked up the phone in order to ask “what the heck is wrong with you that you are calling here so often?”, and our sitter was then treated to a monologue detailing the affair, what a bitch I must be, and how my husband LOVES her.  Interesting take on it sweetie.

Over the next few months, she was legally prohibited from contacting us directly or via email, text messages, because we obtained legal counsel.  She was asked to cease and desist, and threatened with court action if her behaviour wasn’t amended.  Being the sneaky conniving person she is, and believing that she outsmarts other people, she tried to find other ways of accidentally conveying information she wanted us to know, and ways to harm our family.  She emailed us the ultrasound images for her baby, and mentioned that she was keeping the baby now, based on some comments she’d heard me say about how “important family is”.  Whatever.  My husband never bothered to open the email, he isn’t interested.

A few quiet months went by with several cloaked attempts to contact us.  She emailed my husband a couple of times, trying to make it appear as though he was simply on her ‘distribution list’, and that his inclusion was merely an oversight.

She would later send another email, this time directly, telling him that she thought she was in the hospital for early labour and was going to put into effect protective orders for her and her baby into place, preventing him from accessing them, and protecting the baby from “his abuse”.   Along with our lawyer, we all got some pretty intense belly-aching laughs out of that one because, as our lawyer so gingerly pointed out, most women who are genuinely afraid of a potential attacker don’t typically send them an email telling them where they can be found.  These same people who are terrified of their aggressor don’t often also give the baby his surname.  She really thinks other people don’t see through her lame-ass behaviour.  It was merely an excuse to mention the baby, gain contact with him, and test whether he cares for her or not.  Newsflash: he doesn’t.

She decides to see how this whole Twitter thing works, and creates an account for herself.  Every tweet she makes is about the baby, how excited she is, how this is such a gift, how friends and family are chomping at the bit to babysit, yada yada yada.  She went on in later tweets to name him as the father of the child (when this had not yet even been confirmed), made mention of how everyone knew about the affair except me, and hoped that her daughter didn’t end up being an “idiot-savante” like her father.   We were actually impressed that she was able to use that word in a sentence.  Triple point score!  (She won’t get that reference either, so I will save her the trouble and mention it has to do with scrabble).  Words aren’t her strong suit.

Not satisfied that her twitter feed isn’t being read by ANYONE, and that I may never stumble across it, she decided to mention the usernames of some of my friends in one of her tweets.  I should mention, for those not well versed in twitter, that if you mention someone’s twitter username in a tweet, they will be notified that they were mentioned, and directed to the tweet.  So, she baited some of the people I have listed as friends on twitter (she looks at my account, remember), by mentioning them, and hoping they would come see her page.  They did, and I was immediately sent 5 emails asking what the heck was going on.  I simply told them it’s my crazy stalker causing trouble, and nothing was ever said about it again.  Obviously she thinks outsiders care much more about this situation than they actually do.  Truthfully, people are far too consumed with themselves to give due attention to anyone else’s shit.

Given that her behaviour in creating her twitter account was to slander my husband and I, and to cause us psychological harm, she was asked to disable her account and take down her tweets.  She feigned ignorance about how to do that, attempting to buy herself more time for the information to be publicly available.  I was asked to send her written instructions on how to disable a twitter account.  I was happy to provide the help, as I am always about helping those less fortunate than I.

She discovers, via Twitter, that my husband and I are throwing a holiday party in our home.  I tweet some images of the decor and preparations.  Within a couple of hours, she sends a text message to a friend of ours she suspects will be at the party to inform him that she and my husband had sex, and that she had recently given birth to a baby girl.  He received the text message, shook his head, and refused to reply.  He, like many others, simply didn’t find her worth his time.  He had worked with her and my husband, so she had obtained his cell phone by said means.  Given that she desperately hopes for her behaviour to have immediate impact, his apathy to the situation and lack of reply pushed her to try a little harder…she called and left a message at his home.  His wife, also our friend, heard the message, and not aware of who this was, or what this was about, called back in order to make sense of the ridiculousness of her assertions and winds up in a 10 minute conversation with her, where once again, she felt the need to divulge all of the details.  What she probably didn’t know was that our friend, and the woman on the other end of the phone, is a psychiatrist.   It certainly was interesting to hear, from a psychiatric perspective, what she thought about this woman.

Upset that her recent request to receive $3000.00 per month above the regular child support payment to cover the cost of a private nanny was denied, she decided to lash out.  She called my husband’s workplace and lodged a formal complaint about him.  She did so anonymously, but does she really think we wouldn’t know that it was her?   He doesn’t have any other crazy stalker mistresses out there with the same backstory…She mentioned in her complaint, that she had been employed by him, outside of this current job, that he fathered her child, and that he was defaulting on child support payments.  I should mention that her past point, about him defaulting on child support is completely false.  He pays each payment on time, by post dated cheques, and is completely fulfilling his financial obligation.  To say that he was not constitutes slander.  I am sure she has no idea she broke the law when she mentioned untruths in an attempt to tarnish his reputation. Her desire was to paint him as irresponsible and morally corrupt , and not deserving of a position of influence within the organization.  Her attempt failed miserably, as the complaint was directed to his colleague who extended my husband a great deal of sympathy, and admitted that he too had once had a crazy woman involved in his life, attempting to destroy his marriage.  He was familiar with the “type”, and would ensure that he would be personally  handling any further dealings with the complainant.

So here we are, in March of 2011, so what comes next?  Stay tuned to find out if the craziness continues.  This image so fits with her personality:

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Comments

  1. I am so sorry to read what you had been through. Just want you to know that the mistress is the one on the wrong and by the writing of your blog, she really sounds like total bad news that needed to be avoided at all costs like the plague.

    Allow me to say this to the mistress (okay, shoot me but I need to say it): you ought to be ashamed yourself and what you are doing to a poor innocent lady is totally unfair on her and her happiness. There are plenty of men out there for you to date, so why did you choose her husband? Mistress, you are as low as Carrie Bradshaw who is a husband-stealer (and yes, husband stealers don’t really prosper when karma comes biting back when one least expects it). Last but not least, you need to get a life and get some help before you go leaving more destruction in your wake.

    To the lady of the blog, stay strong okay? Remember that you are not the only lady in this situation out there.

    • Whatsaysyou, thank you so much. Yes, we try to avoid her like the plague, but like Herpes, she never seems to fully ever go away. She will be in our lives for the duration of the child support issues and we have a monthly reminder of his mistake. It is hard. We have legal recourse in place should she do other stalking or harassing behaviours, and I hope it never comes to that. I thank you for your candid words to the mistress. Should she ever stumble here, read the details, and realize that this is about her, I hope your words sting and make her realize the depths of her coldness.

      • You are welcome. Stay strong and no matter what happens, move one and don’t let her get to you. If she goes from stalking to something much worse, you better be prepared to have the cops and restraining order by your side. One more thing, the child who is the result of that affair between him and that mistress did not choose to be born through something so unacceptable. No child chooses to be borne out of an affair and he or she is never at fault. The ones at fault are him and the mistress.

  2. I have been reading your blog and I have found comfort reading your words, as they are as I feel.
    I had a stalker too. My husband like yours, went through hell (well deserved) and threats because he wanted to end his “relationship” with the low form of life, that he accepted into his life and then once his curiosity was over and guilt set in, he could not make her see sense. She was a sad life predator, that offered free sex with no string, chasing a man that she knew was a good family man and a great catch, because in spite of everything, I know he is a great person to be with! She wanted a bit of that too. She wanted what she never had, and I am happy to say, never will have. Real love is not part of her genetic making. She, vowed to destroy my husband and with him his family. Of course I am not naive and understand that HE accepted this “thing” into our lives, but I still fail to understand how can someone be so vicious with people that she did not know. Me and my children. He left her. A month later in a planed revenge, I received by post all she could send and called me to ‘inform me’, to really hurt me in the core of my being. I was hurt even more because I found out that my husband was not only able to be selfish, but was also a coward! I had silent calls everyday few times a day and was like mad running to the telephone before my children would, I lived in fear, of their safety too. She would never speak, but I knew she was there on the other side. I broke down under pressure and sent her a couple of ‘bad e-mails”, as the law it is not always in the hurt ones side, I paid a good price for that, because she acted first. I don’t regret the price though, because I told her EXACTLY what she is, and what she should expect from her loner life. I know she heard me! I am approaching one year mark from DDay and still wonder, how is it possible to get on from one day to the next, within the best of my ability. My husband has been great with me and can not do anymore to atone and heal our relationship, and he is broken too. I am going through a bad phase and questions. What the hell happened to my/our life and how to accept this new one. Anything must be better that this hell!

    • Trying too wife, I am so very sorry. It is amazing how true it is that when people say “I know how you feel”, it really is emptier than we think when we say it with good intentions . We really DON’T know until we’ve been through it, and it is horrible. I can say it to you because I am there too, and I know how sad and all-consuming this is. The questions, the worries, the fears, the hope, the pain, the memories, the replaying over and over. It is, as my therapist says, a trauma, and akin to post-traumatic stress disorder, we have to process it by working through it over and over in our minds. Unfortunately, that means it also consumes us. Our husbands brought this on themselves, you are right. My husband CHOSE to respond to her sexual advances, he CHOSE to go to those hotel rooms with her, he CHOSE to have unprotected sex with her (idiot). He accepts that these were his choices and that they were poor ones. It sounds like your husband is walking this path alongside you and that is so wonderful. So often I read/hear about women whose husbands blame them, refuse to talk about it, feel to defensive to be able to be constructive and help heal the wound that they caused. I am thankful that my husband is a good man, and that he is trying as hard as he is. In fact, I keep meaning to tell him how thankful I am for that. Are you in marital therapy? It is really helping us a great deal, and I don’t know where we would be without it. Hugs to you (((HUGS)))

  3. You are absolutely right, this child is an innocent victim of her mother’s ploys to use her life as a means to obtain wealth for herself. Even now, she isn’t satisfied with what she receives and it is more than enough. It just pains me that money that should be contributed to MY children is funneled to her now. This child did not ask to be born. It is not her fault at all. I pity her on so many levels. She will never know her dad, she is raised by a psychopath mother who will mentally torture her and impact this child’s self esteem and mental health. It’s just sad all around and she is an innocent victim. Sad that she ever suggested that they have unprotected sex. We all know her motive for why…she was trying to conceive.

  4. Thank you for this post and for your blog as a whole. I have just spent the last two years being stalked by my long-term boyfriend’s ex-mistress with whom he fathered a child while in a relationship with me. She has threatened me and my son, she has come to my home drunk (drunk driving with her baby, the OC, in the car!) and thrown giant tantrums in my front yard, she has lied about all kinds of things (she lied about child support to the state so she could go on welfare. My boyfriend, like you, always pays promptly) and she actually inflicted herself with a wound and then went to the police and said that my boyfriend attacked her, etc. The list goes on and on. I am grateful that you are writing this blog. It is good to know I am not the only one who is going through this. Thank you!

    • No Susan, sadly you are not the only one. The fact that this phenomenon exists for many of us used to surprise me. I now see it differently. I think that affairs attract personalities like this. They are people who like to do damage, to watch people suffer, to selfishly take what they want, without consequence to others. Affairs are the perfect playing ground for their arsenal of trickery and deceitful behavior….and it’s legal.

      Remember, that the women who do this feel small. They feel powerless, and they feel as though they can’t secure love any other way. They steal what belongs to others because they don’t feel anyone will want them the “right” way. They put themselves second to the primary relationship because they have low self esteem. The relationship they have with OUR men is the closest they can feel to the real deal and when that is compromised, they go bat-shit-crazy. They lose it. What you and I see is the dark side of how their minds work. It’s a scary place to be – inside their minds.

      It can seem paramountly huge when it is going on in the moment, but distance provides you the perspective that they are reactive, immature, and that all the energy that they put into tormenting us is a direct reflection of how pained they feel. How hard they work gives you a window of knowledge into how desperate they must be.
      They are small people. They are sad and sorry excuses for people and they are hurting more than they let on. Their facade of strength is transparent. They envy you. They desperately want to be you. They fantasize about taking your life. They wish nothing more than to BE you. Look in the mirror and see that you’ve won. You already have all that she wants and you don’t need to try a fraction as hard ;)

  5. Hey. Sorry to hear about all of your drama. But how did you know she was stalking your twitter account?

    • She would reference things I had only mentioned there. I’d once said how I thought it was neat that Tiffany’s let you create a wish list and email it to people. Thought that covere every gift giving opportunity possible. In her email to me later (I posted it called “dancing with the devil”, she mentioned “how sad that your husband cheats on you, and all you need is jewelry from
      Tiffany’s to make you feel better”.

      She later started taking screenshots and sending them to get lawyer claiming I was talking about her.

  6. LivingNightmare says:

    wow! I’m going through these same things!,this lowlife called his company and had him fired,my husband ended it w her and she went after his job when it was over-we are fighting it ,he admitted to her being in the vehicle and having oral in there,she claimed so many other sick things ,why would a major company listen to a whore that’s admitting this? and denied everything else,this is a nightmare now we have no income ,no insurance ,I want to get a stalking order because she claimed to know where we live my kids names and she was stalking my teenager online and sent me harassing emails,do you think it will hurt ,i don’t know if we are safe this is one sicko,I can’t function right now its been a few weeks and just sickened that someone would not get over it and go on like we where trying to

    • I don’t know where you live, but where I live, you can Sue someone for economic interference. It is a crime to interfere with someone’s ability to earn an income. If she called and had your husband fired, with no grounds for which to do so, she can be held liable. I find it strange that your husband’s company would consider firing him for behaviors committed outside of his job, which had nothing to do with his work. You can probably also sued for wrongful dismissal, in this case. I’m not suggesting that you become litigious, as that can become expensive, but it is always a good idea to put that threat out there. I’m very sorry to hear that you were going through this, and I would do everything possible to keep yourself safe. I would take it very seriously that she’s stocking your teenager online, as these people have proven themselves to be completely without moral boundaries, and generally unsafe.

  7. First of all let me state that I am sorry any wife has to go through this. And for the predatory women I say, “what is wrong with you?” Once you learn a man is married where is your decency? Marriage means off-limits.

    My husband has a stalker. They had a relationship long before we were married. Before we were even together. In my husband’s eyes, this woman didn’t even rate the “girlfriend” moniker. She was simply someone he dated for a few months and slept with. They were long over (in his eyes) before he even met me. He simply stopped calling her. Not a good move on his part but guys can be cowardly sometimes. They assume the woman will get the hint and move out. And let’s be real – most women would get the message.

    We were married within a year after meeting. I learned of her when one of my husband’s email acocunts was hacked and sent both her and I one of those “solicitation-business” type emails that you know your account has been hacked when you see it. I learned that she had been sending him emails during the entire time we were dating. Unfortunately, my husband would respond periodically. But he responded very generically with things like “I hope things are well.” Nothing more than that – there were no “I miss you. I like you (or love)” Nothing personal at all but it was enough to keep her hanging on. AND it was before we were married. After we were married he told her I’m married to a wonderful woman. I don’t want any more contact.” She still persisted.

    I thought when she found out he was married she would back off. I mean isn’t that what a decent woman would do? Nope, not her. She started sending me emails saying things like “this is your husband in my bed.” Fortunately for him he had long hair when he was dating her and he cut his hair shortly after we started dating. So I knew it was a very old picture. It was disturbing to me that she kept pictures of my husband. He didn’t even know that she had taken the pictures – he was asleep. Creepy in my book. She also said things to him like “This is only the beginning. I know where you live and I know where you work.”

    She forwarded him an email she wrote back in March (to an old email account). It was a dirty, disgusting email. He did respond back and said simply he wasn’t interested and never would be and he was closing his email account so there would be no further contact. Before he closed the account, a “male friend” of hers wrote a long response saying it wasn’t her; he had tried to close her email account and it just sent that email to all her contacts and he knew it wasn’t her because she was with him – that it must be one of the other 13 women my husband was “f**king. Yea, right. We knew it was her – it wasn’t an email written by a guy. My husband closed that email account. He was done, done, done. Then I got an email from a person that I didn’t know simply saying to tell my husband hello. Again, who has my email address other than this woman? I know its her using alias emails.

    I KNOW my husband isn’t communicating with her. He has closed all his email accounts and we have opened a joint one. Before he closed his accounts though I knew his logins and passwords. I knew he wasn’t hiding anything from me.

    She has tried telling me things like, this is your husband in my bed, he owes me money, I paid his bills, tell him to keep away from me, etc. Crazy.

    We have been keeping a file of all contact in case we need to get a restraining order. I simply hope she realizes he will never be hers (and never was) and just go away. To her I say this: Grow up. Get some pride. Do not debase yourself over a man. I realize he is special – that is why I love him. But love has to flow both ways or else it is just obsession. And he loves me. We are married and these little aggravations will not affect our marriage.

    • Cynthia,

      I am sorry you are going through that. These women are SOOOO broken. It’s funny, I was talking to my husband the other day about this very phenomenon because again he was approached at work by another woman who was very forthcoming in her compliments and aggressive in her pursuit. She KNOWS he is married. They don’t care. What I told him was that if I was interested in someone, and knew they were involved, I could NEVER. In fact, I liked two guys in high school who had girlfriends and I spent years being quietly jealous because I wouldn’t dare try to advance something with someone who is attached to another. It’s just not who I am. Sure, we all want what we want, but I am not selfish enough nor entitled enough to actually run over the rights of another and brazenly take their partner and that was only high school where commitments are fleeting – not marriage!!

      My husband’s whore would have done the same, and did in other ways. Found out where we lived After we moved, knew what car I drove and what hair style I wore even before they’d slept together. She’d stalked me long before. Sick sick sick.

      I hope yours grows up. Sadly it seems they never do, and it’s up to us to reinforce the walls of
      Our marriages and protect the love we share against these maggots.

    • It seems like I am reading my own story. The only difference is that this whore I am talking about is totally Lunatic. She is not ready to accept that my husband is married to me now. My husband also didn’t consider her as a gf/ex-gf. My husband said he never slept with her. This woman gave blowjob twice to my husband long before I met my husband. I am having a strong feeling that she has a psychological problem. She is convincing herself that I am my husband’s sister, just staying with him to take care. And she is the wife. She is a Nepali and so she is telling me and my husband that she dressed up like a Nepalese married woman are suppose to, just for him. My husband also replied her ( because she calls him up more than 100 times/day), thinking that she should not trouble me. Initially we had fights be coz of this woman and he stopped replying her totally. Sometimes I feel bad for her. I talked to her and even sent our marriage pictures, to help her realize the fact. My husband talked to her mother to get help for her daughter. All in Vain, she is not ready to accept the fact at all. Its been 3 years of our marriage, me and my husband are now kinda get used to ignoring her emails and text messages(her numerous nos. are blocked). Sometimes I wonder, how long is she going to stalk us and bother our married life. Thank God, she is in different Country.

  8. ShadowyLady25 says:

    Wow! I know this is a few years old but I really feel for you! And all you women commenting on this blog who have had similar incidents. I too am married to a man who had not one but two affairs (that I know of) and I am quite suspicious of a possible third that may have happened a couple months ago. It is sickening and it is truly an agony NO ONE will ever understand unless they have delt with it personally. I can’t take any more of this mess personally. I have contacted any attorney but if course the husband is begging pleading swearing he will make things right. I am going through so many different emotions it makes me sick.

    Stay strong ladies and I understand how painful this is!

  9. I am going through the same thing, except on the opposite end. I was the other woman and his wife is stalking me on twitter. I was the one that ended the affair, told her of the affair, apologized for the affair, and respected their wishes & honestly thought I’d never hear from them again. The provoking & poking went on for about 3 months til I emailed both of them (in case they were both in on it) called them out for their childish behavior. Both of them denied it. Not a peep out of them since.

    • I am glad to hear it has finished for you. I think it is understandable to want to know more about the person who tried to steal your husband. I think you would do the same. Trying to learn about you and stalking you are very different. In my case, which I consider very different, my home was actually cased out. Drive by’s past my house, pictures taken, driving past our children’s school. These weren’t done to find out more about me. She knows all about me. The mistress has a knowledge of re wife, but the opposite is not true. You are kept in darkness and we know nothing about our “competition” and don’t even know we are in a battle. I just don’t understand the appeal of chasing someone else’s husband but that is another post entirely.

      When the wife finds out where you live, drives by, cuts and pastes your entire twitter statuses in order to create false context to suit her ploys, when she uses your words on twitter to implicate you in false allegations of wrongdoings against her that she created to match your writings, when she calls the police on you twice for allegedly attacking her using your twitter comments and twisting them to her context of abuse, and when she does so after having destroyed the most beautiful thing you had and then gets a cash payoff for it at the same time for the next 20 years and goes unpunished…well then we can say we are going through the same thing ;)

      This isn’t to say that I have no sympathy, but when you walk into someone else’s marriage, and defile the sanctity of their union, you should expect a little discomfort. It’s really nothing in comparison to the suffering on the other end, and her wanting and needing to piece you together speaks to her needing closure.

      • swungtime says:

        I take full responsibility for my actions and have been paying for it since DDay, more than they know. Worst mistake I ever made in my life, lesson learned…however. I am sure she was in for a surprise when she did find out what My twitter was. I design adult websites for a living, and have a membership site of my own, full of my pics from modeling shoots & what not. The thing I’d like to know is did he volutarily give up my info (which would be shocking) or did he get caught looking at it and that’s how she found me? That’s what I would love to know. Guess I will never know.

      • I’m not asking this to be a pest…moreso to learn more about the other side. As someone who was on the betraying side as the ow, when you say you have paid for it ever since Dday, what does that look like? I ask because I don’t think my husbands ow ha paid a single thing. She got mostly what she wanted. She may not have gotten him, but I’m not convinced she wanted him…just his $ which she is now getting and a kid she never would have had the chance to have, who is fully paid for. What does your suffering look like? How do you suffer? Do you see an end to it? How has your life changed? Why do you think it was a mistake? Do you regret it because of what you did to their family or because of what you lost?

  10. My husband and I listened to you on the teleseminar last night. Today marks 1 year since My husband told me he had an affair with a woman at work and she was pregnant. We have 2 daughters. At that time one was almost 2 and the other was 2 months. He had been having the affair for two years and through both pregnancies. I think this is what hurt me the most. He wasn’t there for me through those most precious times. Anyway, my situation with “our whore” has many similarities to yours. I believe with all my heart that she wasn’t getting what she wanted( my husband and my children) so she got pregnant on purpose. For some reason she told my husband she had already ovulated so it was fine. ( who the heck knows when they ovulate unless you are trying to conceive a baby?). Also, she knew it was a boy before she even went to the doctor. She too had made up a fake email address and sent me the most horrific email from ” a friend”! It was written in 3 rd person and everything. The mistake she made was that there were about 4 sentences that were exactly the same as a few real emails she sent me. She also stalked me on Facebook. My husband told me she would look at my page. I should have seen a red flag before the affair when she was so excited to meet me at his company christmas party and sent me a friend request that night. She was fat so I really wasn’t concerned. The baby was born in November we have seen him ( and she was there too looking fat as ever) and he has my husbands middle name. Also his first name is the male version of our daughters name. We have been in therapy for a year and went to a marriage retreat. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and have been together for 19 years. ( she knew all of this) we have been married for 10. My husband will do anything to save our marriage. We love each other and he just got caught up in something he couldn’t stop. I can’t believe this is my life and I feel like I should be in a better place a year later. I’m so glad I have your blog to read. I have only read March 2011, but I will continue to read it and see where you are on your journey and the obstacles you have endured. We try to ignor her. My husband pays more than enough support and has helped with other things that she doesn’t appreciate. He emailed and asked her for a few photos and she sent 17 emails in 24 hours! One was psychotic saying she wanted to move to our town ( currently lives across the country- she ” had a vagina and did travel”.) and it said how she would watch our kids so we could go on dates!!!!! Also she mentioned that she looks at baby pictures of our kids for similarities to hers. Apparently she also has an old baby photo of my husband from an office party 3 years ago and looks at that too! I could go on and on. You know what it is like dealing with a psycho whore. I just had to vent a little piece of my story. Thanks for listening.

    • Omg Jen that sounds horrible. So many similarities but then so many other things that make your story tragic in its own way. Naming her son the male version of your daughter’s name? That’s heart wrenching. But, if you look at the bright side, and I think there is always one…one day, when the inertia of all of this has died down, she will be left with a eternal reminder of YOUR child through that name, and just another way in which she went about trying to take what is yours and make it here, but the whole time knowing you stood there first. She has no self esteem Jen….none. She plays this ridiculous and sick game to make herself feel connected because deep down she knows she is sad and pathetic. I assume hubby took a paternity test to be sure?

      They become obsessed with us. In the same way that we become obsessed with them after we find out…it’s like
      Scoping out the competition. Sick. I’m sorry you were stalked. I was too. Had to shut down my twitter account to friends only. You will read all about it.

      We are fully healed now. It takes time. I started my blog when I was exactly where you are in the healing journey :)

  11. Little Bear says:

    is this woman’s name donna/marva dawn richards/payne at all. this sounds exactly like the woman that has entered my life. she is as sick as satan and we can only reason that she has spent time in a mental institution as the lies and fakeness she creates is untrue.

  12. I love your statement “What, are you using me and this situation to IMPROVE your marriage?”. The answer to that, a resounding YES.” I, too, wanted to send this “woman”, and I use that term loosely, a gift basket for my new-found marriage–but when I got her emails and “watched” her “watch” me for the next year and a half, I changed my mind and built a website completely devoted to her (She hasn’t thanked me yet). I haven’t read much of your blog–I will–but until then, I hope your still doing fabulous!

  13. I can’t believe it, but this exact same situation is happening to me except via Facebook! Due to my weak password she was able to access my account and create all sorts of havoc pretending to be me!

    My husband and I are trying to save our marriage and we are still in the unfolding stage of this entire situation as I only confronted him a month ago about their long term affair. I truly thought I was the only one going through this until I stumbled onto your blog!

  14. Little bear says:

    @rescuingmymarriage: can you just please remove the whole posting? regards

  15. Didn’t you produce all these proofs in the court? when she filed a lawsuit?
    I am sorry, though I have already read your posts more than once but I have the urge to just go on reading and reading… it feels frustrating to dwell on this, but I don’t know why I have this urge?

    • Her lawsuit was related to employment matters, wrongful dismissal etc. it wasn’t the right forum to raise issues of a criminal nature like stalking and harassment. Regardless of her actions…it wouldn’t have changed whether the law saw her as deserving of an award for being wrongfully dismissed. You could be raped and in the process, commit a crime yourself…and the court won’t negate your damages just because you too misbehaved. See what I mean? Her stalking me wouldn’t decrease any award the court would award her if they felt she was wrongfully dismissed and hence they don’t mix matters across courts.

      • brokenwings says:

        I feel sorry for all the wives or women that are going through all these drama. I myself is dealing with my soon to be ex husband’s crazy ignorant mistress. She is stalking me after I looked for we and found out about her .i guess it’s my right to know who my ex husband is cheating with. My husband cheated on me and now living with the mistress. And I felt so terribly unhappy with what he did. When I left the state to study and pursue nursing my ex husband had met a bartender and messed around. Without my knowledge I was studying sonars and making him so proud of me and while he is supporting me financially. Since he wanted me to contribute more in our marriage. He treated like a girlfriend we never had a joint acct never trusted me with money . An he is so selfish that even he makes new money than me he thinks I should pay almost half of our bills. It made me so depressed that I have to satisfy him and make him happy so I worked so hard. Jogging two jobs are not easy but I get te hang of it. It’s just I’m too tired and became so unhappy with my marriage , work and life. My self esteem are so slow that I always feel ugly and feel tht whatever I do are not going to make him happy.
        Sex are not that good anymore we were so happy on our first 2 years. After that after being married for 5 yrs things started to fall apart. He is American and I am Asian . Interracial marriage makes it worst. Just like culture differences and other factors adds up.
        But I thought before leaving te states to move back home for a cheaper education things are getting better and will get even better.
        We both agreed on me going back to school and study nursing . Even if I hve obtained bachelors degree in computerscience he still wanted me to go back to school to make more money . I guess he needed a business partner bit a life one partner.
        What sucks was when I came back here in the states to be file te divorce which I have to quit school after all the drama. He acted that nothing had happened. He was so sorry yea but I didn’t really see any sincerity at all. He continue to lead me on and make me believe that he wanted to work things out and he will end the affair. But months passés by still down too anything about it.
        I told him he has to let me go and move on with my life.
        Then I decided to file the divorce.
        After that the mistress has the guts to fight with me an to stalk me since she thinks I was stalking her. Guilty as charged I did try my best to know who she was where she works at which bar. In my curiousness I really want to see how she looks like. If she’s eye than me or not. But it’s a downgrade. She is Thai bartender and slutty looking whore. Excuse me , but I really feel like I have to use all these words for you to have the idea who the mistress is.
        It doesn’t make any sense at all.
        But I guess when some one is cheating its not all about sex. Maybe she also do things that made him feel so special and love.
        Which I failed to show him because I also had my own issue to deal with. I never trusted him after he cheated on me o another girl online. And when I caught him he stop for few months and did talk to her again and again. After few years things changed the way I treat him. I’m always paranoid. I also sneak around and go through his email and phone.
        Of course I stil see things that hurt me. Then when I confronted him he will always give me a lame excuse here and there.
        My heart is so tired now my mind also thinks of crazy things to do with both of them. Especially when the mistress keeps stalking me and know where my whereabouts . She’s so crazy jealous that my husband will go back with me.
        I’m so depressed that everytime I think abt it I wanted to kill them. I am so confused and unhappy.
        But what can I do? I just chose the high road and not stoop down with those loser!
        Sometimes our heat can only take much and out mind too. I just wish God will shower me more patience not to do anything stupid. I know where they moved. I know their car. And even the mistress fond out about my second job. My car and all.
        She even texted me hey I just went to the mall where ur clinic is at and I saw u parked ur car in front . Things like that.
        She even went to the clinic where I work at . She was with my husband.Good thing I wasn’t there!!!
        Now I’m moving on and just focusing with my work and divorce. I finally accepted the fact that the once I love and the once who used to love me is with another woman now.
        The only thing the is hard to accept is when ur husband talk shit about you to the mistress or new girl and the new girl will text you and say things to hurt you.Sending me all their dinner pictures and leisure trip to Thailand. I was so hurt and devastated how my husband did this to me.
        My heart goes out to all the women who are suffering because of the cold heated women out there who continue to be with guys who are married!
        It’s not fair.
        And of course it’s my husbands fault too. And I am not haut blaming him from doing all this. Maybe I wasn’t really good enough for him.i just can’t understand why?i am not ugly I am well educated and attractive woman at least this is what my friends are telligmw and all the people around me.im not haut an ordinary woman.its just doesn’t make any sense that my husband still cheat on me after all the qualities I have and after all the sacrifices I made for our marriage.
        Love is not all about physical attributes I know that. But if u got cheated on I expect someone better. Not to someone who is uneducated and very ugly.She couldn’t even spell the word flew.. Or stalking… What a shame!!!!
        She has the guts to txt me and email me that my husband bought her an expensive necklace for Christamas more expensive than my rings.She told me this to hurt me and make me feel jealous.
        She’s so stupid not thinking I can use all her text messages email and pictures as my proof that my husband is cheating on me.
        Now we are separated and no contacts after I filed the divorce. He is denying the adultery and not wanting to give spousal support. Which dormant surprised me..
        But I just want to get what I deserve.
        I loved him so much that even he cheated on me I was so willin got work thins out with him but when I noticed that he want really remorseful and apologetic I decided to stop believing him.
        Enough is enough . I’m so done with him.
        I hope and pray that God will give us strength to be able to conquer all the trouble and pain that cause us.
        I am so relief to read all the stories of different women who are goof through the same situation I am with.
        Forgiving is the key . I forgave my husband but I just can’t forget…. It’s jut hard:(

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