A wife’s double standard


Comments left recently on the blog, in response to some blog posts that I have made, have shown me that a double standard exists between wives and a husband’s other woman.

Many comments made recently have alluded to the fact that me, as a betrayed spouse, have no reason to be angry with the other woman. I am told that my anger is displaced and misdirected. I am told that instead of being angry with the other woman, I should be directing my anger towards my husband, as if I have not already done so.

So, what I want to understand is why is it okay, in so many situations, for the other woman to be so angry at the betrayed wife? Why, for example, is the other woman in my situation so bitter and angry towards me? Most of her anger throughout this 2 1/2 year ordeal has been directed at me. She has written things in emails, designed especially for me to read. She has hidden false details of their relationship in legal documents, designed for me to find, intended to cause me harm. For example, my husband never told his affair partner that he loved her. However, in court documents, she would find ways of cloaking these comments between existing lines of text, saying things like, “and when he told me that he loved me so often,…” She knows they are false, and she also knows that my husband will see them as false. What she is banking on, however, is that I will read them and feel hurt, question myself, question my self-worth, and ultimately do more damage to me. That is her plan. She isn’t trying to persuade my husband to see a reality that never was, Because she knows that he too was present, and he will remember the details as they were also. What she’s banking on is that I, someone he wasn’t there, will not know the real truth, and will start to question my husband’s integrity further, creating more uneasiness in our marriage.

When the other woman decided to call the police, to claim harassment and stalking, she didn’t do so against my husband, she did so against me. When the other woman had to disclose the location of her daughter’s daycare, in court documents, so that my husband could pay 95% of the costs to the appropriate location, she made sure to add in bold letters, that she did not want the location of the daycare revealed to me, as she feared for her personal safety, alluding to the fact that I mentally unstable, a stalker, and threat. Further actions to cause other people, including lawyers, to believe that I, the betrayed spouse, am the crazy one. Another attack, not against my husband, but against me.

When the other woman was asked to provide proof of school attendance for herself, in order to justify the day care expenses that my husband was required to incur, She sent copies of her school schedule, purposely blackening out her student number, indicating that she didn’t feel comfortable with me having access to this information, because she felt I was psychotic, and would cause her harm or distress through use of her student number. Funny, never once expressed concern about my has been having this information, nor the address of the daycare where his child is looked after, only me.

Prior to ever wanting a restraining order against my husband, she first want a restraining order placed against me. Prior to entering the hospital to give birth to her child, she mentioned feeling uncomfortable with me, afraid for her child’s safety, and her own.

All of this causes me to ask the question “why is she so angry with me, instead of my husband?”

The answer to that, I think, would be quite simple. She didn’t get what she wanted. She wanted my husband. She lost. In her mind, the only thing standing between her and my husband having a lifetime together, with me. In her mind, it’s as if I walked into their union, and tore them apart, when in reality, that’s exactly what she attempted to do to me. Nice double standard.

I try very hard to see everyone’s perspective in this mess. Inasmuch as I do not want to enter the mind of the other woman, sometimes I feel it is necessary in order to gain perspective. As I mentioned in my last post a couple of days ago, I recently went through some of the communications between my husband and his affair partner, having the opportunity to see the way they spoke, the things they said, the way they felt. In reading this material, I discovered that my husband’s affair was not merely sexual, but it was an emotional affair as well. He mentioned to her several times how she was his vacation, his calamity, his source of peace during a chaotic time in his life. Funny, that should have been me. Apparently it wasn’t. He worried when she was upset, he claims, in his emails, to have gotten tears in his eyes, when she expressed sadness or worry, he was excited and elated for her when she had successes. He came to bat for her at work, when her job was in trouble. He expressed deep gratitude when she supported him, and it reads like he wasn’t getting that support anywhere else. When he complemented her sexually, it sounded like all that they had done was novel, him never having experienced it like that before. He made it sound like he was deprived emotionally and sexually. Is it any wonder she later called me “emotionally unavailable and frigid”?This is not simply someone who is having sex with another person, this is someone who cares about the other person. Perhaps a few weeks into their sexual relationship, when the novelty was gone, my husband no longer wished to be in the relationship, and started to feel the stranglehold. However, as his emails and text messages indicate, there was a time when he was very interested, was seeking her out, was complementing her, and was making her feel loved, approved, attractive, valued, and comforted. It is really no wonder she felt they had a future together. I don’t think she concocted this in her own mind, out of psychotic stupidity, but rather, she felt this way because it reflected what she was told. It’s right there on paper.

So, once the relationship was revealed, and my husband decided to stay with me, she saw me as the reason they were no longer together. She didn’t see my husband as having had a change of heart, nor as a liar, or a cheater, or a man who would’ve said anything to have his cake and eat it too. Instead, she saw a man who had professed to care about her deeply, and his actions show the same, until I was in the loop. To be fair, my husband’s email communications did change, prior to my finding out about the affair. He told her he wasn’t interested anymore, he told her he wanted out, he told her that if she chose to have his child, she needed to make her decisions knowing that he would not be involved. It isn’t as though my husband’s intentions, actions, and words were suddenly changed, but that is how she will see it.

So, the double standard that I see here is, “why is it not okay for me to be angry with the other woman, and asked to direct my anger towards my husband, but the same isn’t being asked of the other woman?” Shouldn’t her anger be directed at my husband? Shouldn’t she be angry for having been misled? Shouldn’t she be hurt and furious that the man who professed to care about her, love her, comfort her, value her, has suddenly run back to his wife and children, when it appeared as though he was, at times, prepared to leave them? Wouldn’t anyone in that situation feel confused, betrayed, letdown, angry? So then, once her world came crashing down around her, why not direct her anger at the appropriate source? Why not direct her vitriol towards the person who has truly caused this for her? After all, I didn’t promise her my husband, I didn’t promise to share, I didn’t go back on my word. As I am so often told by these other women, “I owed you nothing”, but in my case, that includes my husband. I didn’t owe her anything. I didn’t come in the middle of her relationship. I didn’t enter on to sacred territory and try to tear them apart. I didn’t do anything. I was completely in the dark. Exactly how I responsible for her unhappiness?

If we ask the betrayed wives to redirect their anger towards their husbands, why don’t we ask the same of these other women who are spending so much time, energy, and resources, trying to tear down the innocent women whose lives they’ve already destroyed?

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Comments

  1. I am extremely angry at one of the affair partners my wife had. The other I don’t really care about because his life will never amount to anything. The dude that pisses me off is a guy who makes it his purpose in life to act like an “alpha male” all of the time and tries to cause as much pain and hurt as he can on other people. He wasn’t trying to be my friend for anything other than being able to see how much pain he was causing me personally, and to make himself look less suspicious by gaining my trust.

    • Completely understandable. It becomes a double betrayal when someone gains your trust only to shatter it.

      I think there are two separate elements for me. Anger at the person who was in the affair with my husband, and anger for the woman she exposed herself to be after. I can find sympathy for the person who was in the affair, even though I will NEVER condone trespassing into someone else’s marriage. But, as a woman, I can see she may have been misled or felt used. I can see her emotions were played with too. But I won’t condone the way she tried to put me down in order to elevate herself. I won’t ever accept how she tried to turn my husband’s affection away from me, and onto her. I won’t forgive the actions of knowingly pursuing someone who belongs to someone else knowing he has a wife and family, and painting yourself as the sweet and caring one, and me as the selfish, emotionally unavailable, unsupportive, and frigid one in order to look better in his eyes and cause me to be looked down on. The woman she became AFTER the affair is someone I will never forgive. Ever. I will need an apology and remorse and acknowledgement that will never come.

      I am sorry for your hurt. How dare he have bought himself a spectator seat to your suffering. These people are maggots.

      • It was never about affection for him, or her. He is a predator, plain and simple, and began manipulating their situation from her 2nd day of work, since he was the general manager and she a waitress in training. The trust was just starting to build, and I was in the restaurant joking with him the day before I found out over lunch with my wife. He’d ridden in the FAMILY car with my children, had held my children. I did what I could to prevent him from being hired by a company that was going to buy his house, and move him a few states away. If HR didn’t want to hear what I had to say about it, they wouldn’t have stayed on the phone for 5-10 minutes. And his wife is pregnant by another man.

  2. Oh, I’m totally pissed at my husband’s AP’s. He’s absolutely responsible for his choices. I acknowledge that. However, his AP’s *ALL* knew he was married. They ALL pursued a relationship with him. Yes, pursued. One even encouraged him to have a relationship with the next AP and that AP to pursue him. So yeah I have anger towards them. I have every right to. They made chocies too. Why shouldn’t I be?? If you’re going to trapse into MY marriage, at least understand you have to accept the consequences for that.

    I contacted all of his AP’s to confront them personally. Two owned up to it, one denied (oddly the LTA, 27 months).
    I have contacted the other betrayed spouse of one of his AP’s.
    I contacted the employer of one of his AP’s (who happened to be her father too).

    It doesn’t negate the consequences my husband has had to face. But goodness, AP’s need to realize that when they make the choice to become involved with a married person, you are not a victim of circumstances.

  3. I am angry at both the OW and my husband. and she is angry with me. she thinks I am crazy and will never leave. I am sure he makes her think that he is unable to leave right now but will some time. although he tells me he will not leave me. She knew he was married when they began their affair. She was married as well. she is now divorced and so thankful to my husband for getthing her through the worst time of he life. it is all bullshit and lies in my opinion. They are both are the most selfish people I know. If it wasn’t for my values, love for him, and our thirty years together I would leave, and I still might. that remains to be seen.

  4. I have experienced the same. The OW has stalked and harassed my for the last year and a half and was arrested a little more than a month ago for her behavior toward me. My case is a little different because I knew the OW before the affair as I was a consultant to the firm that she worked for. I advised the client to fire her. I believe she intentionally perused and had a relationship with my long-term live-in boyfriend because she wanted to hurt me (she admitted this in an email she sent me this past summer). I have no sympathy for her nor does she deserve any as far as I’m concerned. I think both affair partners are to blame. They both chose the dishonorable path. Though I definitely have far more anger toward my boyfriend. The OW isn’t even worth spending any of my time on except to insure my safety and my son’s safety.

  5. I did a post back on this in August, When all else fails, Let’s blame the wife. http://iminlovewithaserialcheater.com/2012/08/03/well-all-else-fails-lets-blame-the-wife/

    I have always thought that we should blame the other woman as well! I am one who actually have always blamed the other woman. I hear it all the time that it is “his” fault, not hers. Well, I beg to differ. I DO believe that the other woman is to blame in the affair. Of course our husbands are at fault, but. . .People assume that due to the fact that we stayed with them, that we did not “punish” our husbands.

    I have said this over and over again. If more women kept their legs closed to married or involved men, there wouldn’t be cheating! I know that many of you disagree with this, but it is true. Look at what you went through! That Bitch was in YOUR house! She looked you in the face and had a conversation with you! What kind of woman does that???? I will never understand.

    As you know, I just recently let it go with John’s last OW because I am just so tired. I just don’t have the energy for her anymore and I had to let it go. Am I still angry? Of course, but for me holding onto the anger was just not worth it for ME anymore. I will always continue to do what is right for me.

    Don’t let anyone tell you that you are misdirecting anger towards anyone. You feel how you feel and NO one can change the way you feel! This woman has made your life a living hell. When your husband stopped, she just was relentless and continued to do so. You have EVERY right to be angry with her!

  6. I understand. I am told too…that I should not blame my Ex’s affair partner. He is much the same as described by pillarsoftheearth above. Thinks he is the alpha male in every situation and has a right to follow his “heart”. He is a manipulator and a cheater. This was and has been his pattern for the 30yrs I have known him, It was never my Ex’s pattern. But he “helped” her figure out our marriage, She is now his 4th wife. I am counting the days until she finds out his true nature. She is in no way blameless…but I harber great anger toward him. Real men do not step into the lives of other marriages.
    Yet..I am supposed to be cordial to the duplicitous duo. I am the bad guy when I am angry that they cheated on my marriage. I’m supposed to let it all blow over and be civil knowing that this snake of a man is involved in my son’s life.
    So…I understand the duality and the double standard. It works on the male side too.

  7. What I find is that we get to vent our anger to our spouses (to those spouses who show remorse and want to reconcile that is). They acknowledge our pain, hurt and strife. They comfort us and repeatedly tell us how foolish and stupid they were and how the affair was pure garbage. They are trying to do right and be right by us and will do what it takes. The AP doesn’t acknowledge how the ground we walk on has been shaken. He/she doesn’t live with seeing someone in pain all the time. He/she doesn’t repeatedly apologize and have to work on earning our trust. We want justice and that is why we will always have some anger towards the AP. Even though we know they aren’t worth any of our energy we want them to see things how we see them. We still have a lot of anger to work through and while we have put the blame rightly on our spouses, they have been paying for their choices. The AP has not been paying US back and we think they should be. It takes two to go down this path and only one person has been paying for the crime done to us. Of course we should all have anger towards the AP—–in many cases (well mine anyways) THEY pursued our spouses and created the fantasy. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t want them to feel miserable. Most of the anger IS directed to our spouses (rightly so), but when a stranger also chooses to hurt us through secrets and lies, I feel we have a right to be angry with them too. The facts are— we know they are not worth our anger or any of our energy, yet there it is. The question is—how do we channel this anger that cannot be resolved?

  8. Let’s take the affair out of the equation for a moment here and see what we’re left with.

    Sluticia-the-homewrecker has called you names, made false accusations to the police and to the court about you, sent hateful e-mails to your friends, your husband’s co-workers and business contacts, and your family about you, stalked you, harassed you, made fun of you, told you lies about the things your husband supposedly said about you, has represented you as a mentally unstable bitch to people who don’t know you, and generally gone out of her way at every opportunity to make your life a living hell…and yet someone has the nerve to suggest that you’re not SUPPOSED to be angry at her? Are you fucking kidding me? All of that doesn’t even include the fact she was fucking your husband and trying to steal him from you!

    Yes, your husband deserves his share of your anger for opening the door to ho-bag bitch-face in the first place; it’s incredibly unfair that you’ve become the target of all of her vitriol because he had his head buried in his pants. But the very suggestion that you don’t have the right to be angry with the amoral whore who is still doing anything she can to hurt you because “she doesn’t owe you anything” is flat-out ridiculous. I would be pretty damn pissed if someone told lies about me to anyone who would listen and tried to make my life as miserable as her own, whether that someone slept with my husband or not. Be as mad as you want, RMM. Anyone who says you shouldn’t be Does. Not. Get. It.

    • Thank you so much for validating my feelings. It feels so nice to have people understand. You’re right, the affair aside, she has put me through hell. I can almost forgive her for having an affair with my husband. I can’t forgive her for the all-time lows she pulled in the wake of the devastation. How dare anyone treat a traumatized person in that way.

  9. The idea the betrayed wife should not be angry with the other woman is crazy! Most of these women are fully aware the person they are becoming involved with are MARRIED – promised to another. They pursue him anyway and then don’t understand why the man won’t leave their wife. I really don’t understand how a women can expect a married man to leave his wife.If he wanted to leave, he would divorce her. In my case, the CRAZY bitch as I know her actually tried to tell me how I needed to treat my husband. She has never been married and I know it is mean but I hope one day another woman does what she has done with her husband. She also kept calling and asking my husband to meet with her. That she needed closure. To hell with the children or me, she couldn’t understand why he would not leave me for her. I explained to her the only closure she needed was to close her mouth and legs to married men!

  10. letterstotheotherwoman says:

    Recently, one blog I read suggested that blaming the AP was just an excuse to divert the betrayed spouse from our own responsibility for creating a bad marriage/not meeting our wayward partner’s needs. I blame my husband, I blame myself, but I sure as hell think the AP in my case was a predator who sought out my husband knowing he was married and deserves a little blame here.

    • Mine was a predator also. She knew he had a family. Pictures of my three kids sat on his desk. She saw a meal ticket. She saw a future. She didn’t care who she had to knock over to get it which is why I won’t feel satisfied until she gets a piece of hers. Who wants to help me?

      • In my lawsuit against the State of CA. for deprivation of my Civil / Constitutional rights [regarding ignoring my claim of exemption, due process, equal protection rights and the unlawful use of exempt property by statute by ignoring a non debtor’s spouse’s INTERESTS in marital income, being subjected to enforcement of money judgment (for support) laws]… I came across the tort of “Proximate Cause” in addition to ” Intentional Infliction of Emotional distress “… If I win for exemplary damages against the Government agency, I may consider sickking the lawyers against the whore for her false statements made to DCSS, that resulted in their unauthorized actions against my “property interests”, to my detriment because of her deceits …. Theory of damages for “proximate cause”. Don’t know if you have this option. These are the CA Civil codes dealing with “obligations to do no harm, by deceit, false misrepresentations, slander.

    • I'm The Prize says:

      I can NOT believe that some article or blog would suggest that my being angry with the conniving bitch that had the nerve to try to steal my life, who knew he was married (I had met her twice, she was married to his best friend), who insinuated herself into my world and tried to destroy me, is my attempt to divert responsibility from my own faults! I spent over 25 years of our married life as a military wife who was alone most of the time, raised our kids alone, and dealt with the reality of a hateful, angry, negative man with untreated post traumatic stress. I never ONCE cheated on him although I could have at least 4 times. I have every right to be mad as hell about her stroking his ego and then paying to fly to where we live to spread her legs as well. Then to add insult to injury the bitch told be what I should be doing for MY husband sexually! Yep, I’m still angry and it’s at her! If you have a problem with that you are either lucky enough that it hasn’t happened to you yet or your the whoring affair partner. Either way, shut up!

  11. exercisegrace says:

    This is a subject I have thought long and hard about. Discussed with my husband, our counselor, my counselor, his counselor. I could and will state the obvious: he is the one who spoke marriage vows and made promises with me (promises that trump any that he made to the OW. He was not free to make those). However, when you willing participate in acts that knowingly hurt other people, that hurt someone you don’t know, that hurt children, you have crossed a line. It doesn’t make it “OK” just because you don’t know the wife, and you don’t know the children. It doesn’t make it “OK” because he has told you a load of bull about his wife, their life together, his marriage. He is lying to her and he is lying to you. At this point in time, for whatever reasons, he is out for HIMSELF. Statistics overwhelmingly point to the fact that he is NOT going to leave his wife for you. You are kidding yourself if you think you are special. If you think what you have is real. Affair been going on more than six months? Look up that statistic. If he hasn’t left by this point, it just isn’t going to happen.
    Oh and you say you love him so much? Love is sacrificial. True love means you want whats best for the other person. If you really loved him, you would want to be in love with an HONORABLE man. You would tell him to figure himself out. Communicate with his wife. See if the marriage is worth saving. If it isn’t, give you a call after the divorce is final and he has seen to the healthy adjustment and well-being of both himself and his kids.
    So am I angry at the OW? Yes, honestly I am. She (by her own admission) chased my husband. Took advantage of his depression, and some things going on in our lives that were difficult to deal with and beyond our control. She offered a pretty little out in the form of a bubble of unreality.
    Was I the perfect wife? Of course not. But neither was he the perfect husband. I just chose to honor our marriage vows and ride out a tough season in our lives. He made a different choice. Did I contribute to some factors that made our marriage vulnerable? Yes, and so did he. But did I cause his affair? Decidedly NO. He is an adult, he had a multitude of options available to him, including counseling, which I begged for when his depression first started. He could have absolutely made his needs more clearly known. He had places to turn for help. He chose a slut instead. And boy did we get a doozy. Full on stalker, rage, legal malarkey and the whole deal when he didn’t choose her. Should this have been a big surprise? When he was telling her all along that he still loved me? Felt tremendous guilt for what he was doing? Was not willing to leave his family for her? I guess crazy makes it own rules. I honestly should feel sorrier for her than I do. I would not want to live the slut mistress lifestyle. Always waiting for a pathetic table scrap of time and attention from a man who is not able to live his life with you in the light of day. Most women deserve more than that, and could get it.

  12. The truth of this is that all of us one day have to come to some kind of balance with the ow or om (yes Pillars, thinking you and all the other betrayed men out there). We may hate them, rage at them, ignore them. deal with their bitter ramblings, feel compassion for them, have restraining orders against them or ourselves,feel sorry for them, call them names, build bon fires in their name, discriminate against them, blame them or whatever other million emotions we many feel. And it will all wash out in the end like some kind of cleansing balance…whether it be through, anger, blame, understanding… we have to climb that mountain, whatever it is. we have to feel those feelings.

    Struggling over those boulders of “it isn’t fair you slutty bitch, you walked into my life, taking what wasn’t yours!” There should be no shame or judgement in that. We have to climb it to get to the other side…to find peace. Anyone who places such nonchalant judgement like that most likely hasn’t felt the bitter sting of betrayal. And its a shallow way of thought, not giving space for the honest, raw truth of it all.

    So be pissed, hurt, crazed…feel it! It’s OURS to feel and OURS to struggle with and OURS to finally find a balance we can peacefully live with.

    at least, that’s my point of view

  13. My fiances Ex OW was totally complicit in the deception to keep his affair secret from me. Even after I found out/he called it quits but with the “we can be only friends”. I found she was pressuring him for months to leave me. Devised ways to deceive me. Berated him for not doing it fast enough. Her emails were totally laced with hatred against me. He loaned her a ton of money helping her get out of debt and bailed her out of jail on an outstanding warrant. Because she ignored a court order to appear in court to answer one of a few lawsuits against her over non-payment of bills. She has quite the deadbeat history. She paid back some of the money but there is still an outstanding amount of about $1,000 dollars. When he formally ended it with a No Contact request she is now threatening to sue him in small claims court for the cost of a hotel room and concert tickets. And accused ME of threatening her via email, phone calls and hacking all her accounts. All because, he didn’t choose her. No. I have no sympathy for her. She didn’t lose her long, lost soulmate. She lost her “bank account”.

    I like this blog. I intend to catch up later on all the posts. We are repairing our relationship. We don’t have nearly the amount of problems you have, but, I hope to learn and heal. Thanks for this blog.

  14. i am absolutely dismayed by the fact that many many people CONDEMN a betrayed wife for anger towards AP. I have come face to face with this myself…and A LOT. Not by people that know me (us) but on forums about my website where I posted her emails and her behavior. The difference is this, at least in my case…the “woman” has shown absolutely NO remorse whatsoever. Her behavior before, during, and after their “affair” is despicable AND criminal. My husband is beyond remorseful and ashamed. She, on the other hand, finds pleasure in an innocent family’s pain and inflicted more pain INTENTIONALLY with emails and other hideous behavior that you can read all about on my website. She (they) are sick sick people. Husband’s might have been vulnerable, as was mine, but she (they) are PREDATORS. No doubt about that.
    Only those who have not been through, and people who find this behavior from a fellow woman acceptable, would think that a woman knowingly sleeping with a married man is perfectly fine and should suffer no consequences. They should suffer, although no matter what we (as innocent victims) do, their suffering will ALWAYS pale in comparison to our (wives’) suffering. It is ridiculous to think that they are innocent parties because, and I have “read” this a lot, “they did not break vows”. ASININE.

    • I look forward to reading your blog and sympathizing.

      • Please do. I can use advocates and support. I have been scouring the web for blogs/sites about “women” who, with only cruel intentions, contact the innocent wife and send letters/emails and those that also purposely prey on specific vulnerabilities (success, money, a lot at stake)- which appears to be the case with you and me and a few others. Do you have letters/emails sent to you from this woman? I have found some (and references to them that were/are to your husband.) But any to you? I have some posted from “Paula to Wendy” (Wendy being a fellow fabulous betrayed blogger wife). They are on my site in the post “Trish and Paula”. I found the one from the Sandra bullock scandal which I will post soon but would love more. Obviously names can be removed if one wishes.
        As for you, you are incredibly strong and amazing! But don’t think I don’t know the pain, rage, and sadness you have suffered and suffer. I DO know. It’s a daily battle with various emotions (humor, rage, confidence, insecurity, frustration, happiness, confusion, contentment, discontent, contempt–shall I go on?)
        But I have zero guilt about exposing her for the world to see! It’s a public service! Just trying to help! Making lemonade out of Ricky Bobby’s despicable and super sour lemon!

      • Look up “dancing with the devil” on my blog. I posted her emails there :)

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