Lifting the veil of taboo


Why is infidelity such a taboo topic?

Why are we all so keen to portray marriage as perfect bliss, with no problems?

Why are we so ashamed to admit that there are issues like this exist in a marriage?

Why does no one EVER want to talk about it?Why is there such judgment about it?The taboo of infidelity

Because I consider myself to be completely healed, I can say that I no longer feel the need to obtain support from others by telling them my story.   I don’t seek out others to tell in the hopes that they can offer me suggestiions, a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen…I just don’t *need* that anymore.   And, although some of my friends know of our situation, most don’t.   I can say that in my desire to seek support, I feel that I did tell the wrong people.  Most of the ones I told aren’t in my life anymore, mostly because we weren’t such good friends, I suppose.  In some cases, learning of the affair pushed some away, either because they couldn’t handle the fallout, my constant need to talk about it, the way it monopolized the conversation, or all of the above.   Once I started to notice that those that knew were dropping off, I started to become more prudent in who I told…until I just didn’t need to tell anyone anymore.  I can now keep it to myself, but should I have to?
It’s interesting to me.  Over the last couple of years, my husband and I have befriended a couple through our children who were once at the same school.   We started to hang out with them socially, and really enjoy their company.  From time to time, the topic of infidelity has come up, as they have shared stories of work colleagues and other friends whose marriages have fallen victim to an affair.  In talking with them, not having once shared our story, I detect judgment from them about the topic. I can see quite clearly that they both are very quick to support the betrayed, and vilify the unfaithful spouse.  They both seem to be of the same opinion that an unhappy marriage should be exited before a new relationship started (I agree), but they also both seem to think that an unhappy marriage is what leads to affairs, and if you have been following my blog, or doing any reading on the subject, you will know that it’s not that simple.  While I appreciate the fact that their feelings on the matter support ME in MY position as the betrayed spouse, I also know that we could never tell them because it would jeopardize our relationship.  They would likely harbour very  negative feelings towards my husband, and if we told them now, they might feel betrayed themselves, knowing that we’ve discussed the topic together and never once told them that we have intimate knowledge about infidelity, having been there ourselves.  I have to say, though, that I do feel like a fraud not being able to share such a significant story of WHO WE ARE as a couple, with another couple that we are becoming close friends with.
I made a comment on Facebook the other day, about a mistresses as I watched the trial of Dr. Martin McNeill unfold, on trial for allegedly killing his wife Michelle in order to start a new life with his mistress Gypsy Willis.   My sister in law chimed in that married men who have affairs are the absolute scum of the earth.  I can’t help but wonder what that dinner conversation would look like if we told her that her brother in law, who both appear to hold in high regard, was guilty of that very thing?   Not only that, he fathered a child with his mistress and is paying child support for the next 19 years?  I think they might have coronaries right then and there, and given her comments, I can imagine it might cause a rift, so we remain quiet.It makes me sad when I think of how many of us are forced to stay quiet about these issues because we feel threatened to lose others around us if we tell?  It’s like a shameful secret that no one wants to talk about.  But, it is also a catch 22: The less we talk about it, the more secret and taboo it becomes, so the less we talk about it.  As someone who has been through it, who walked through to the other side, and who understands affairs so much better, I don’t feel shame in my story.  I feel pride.  My prior feelings of shame came from the belief that my husband’s affair was a refection of me as a bad wife, a bad lover, an incompetent partner, a lesser woman.  I now know that to not be true, so I do not feel shameful.  I would also venture to guess that my husband no longer feels as much shame as he once did because he now knows that his affair doesn’t reflect on him as a globally bad man.  He has taken the steps to make the proper amends and done the work.  Shouldn’t he feel proud?  Shouldn’t we both?   So why can’t we talk about it? Because we will lose friends and family…and that makes me very sad.

I try to live with authenticity.  I thrive when I have fewer more intimate connections with others.  Part of that intimacy is openly sharing the deepest parts of oneself with those you trust and care about, and I can’t have that with some that I would like to.  I have to wonder how the taboo of infidelity could ever be lifted?  I often feel like I am living a lie.  And, considering how prevalent infidelity has become, and that MOST of us will experience it at some point…shouldn’t we be talking about it?

 

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Comments

  1. Interesting entry today….and I can relate. I too have walked in your shoes and come out the other side. We have not told any of his friends and being that his friends are usually part of a “couple” friendship we share, I can’t tell some of the women I’m closest to. It is hard. But it was harder as we were sorting through the messy details. The few women who do know, do not treat him any differently, and I think that is because when I told them, I did it privately, and I presented it as both of us making bad choices…I dropped the ball on some things and he took liberties that are not allowable in a marriage, the result being a lack of respect and honestly that led to the affair. They think the world of me, they know I am smart and wouldn’t be staying in this situation if things hadn’t turned around and he wasn’t/isn’t doing the work everyday to make things right. I don’t feel the need to constantly rehash everything either now. But at certain times my mind does go back to that bad place and I have to purposely redirect my thoughts or I become very negative and bitter. It takes time. I try to be alone when this happens so as not to dredge it all up or make him feel that all his work is for naught. It is uncomfortable when other couples talk about marriages that have failed between people we all know. It does seems hypocritical to sit there with our mouths shut and not contribute honestly to the conversation. I just listen and make sure to point out, while it seems to be one person or the other, it takes two to destroy a marriage and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I know they would be shocked to learn the very couple munching on snacks and playing with their dog in front of them, could have very well been the subject of our conversation. I am enjoying your blog so much, I can relate to exactly what you are saying and I thank God everyday he has given me a sense of self that can see thru the bullsh$t and not blame myself while at the same time taking responsibility for my part. It has been 7 years since the affair, weve been married 28 yrs. Thank God he had no offspring as a result. My heart goes out to you in that respect. It must grate on your to write a check each month. I look forward to reading more of your updates….~ H

  2. You never know… This couple may have experienced betrayal also and are just dying for someone to speak to about it as well… I think a story such as yours is worth sharing… Now if someone cheats and the relationship fails. We talk about that. Because we can put it in a matter of fact sort of yes this happened, have moved on way… I wouldn’t be scared of losing friends in your situation, as you’re past it and have far more insight than others may have…. I’m. Or sure just being of the opinion that it is wrong is enough…. I have to wonder though… If talking about it won’t have the effect of making it ok? We know just how common affairs are… But I wouldn’t like to go around normalising it for others…. I think mr did get some sort of sense of normality from the work environment, quite a few men were doing it…. It’s hard to talk about that though because of all the other wives…

    The thing I don’t get… Is when the child of a person who had an affair goes on to do so themselves…. It seems insane to me… I disagree with keeping it from the kids… Not so much mum did this dad did that…. But the concept of it all… More so when they’re older… But as younger children, we should be making sure it’s not a reflection on them also…. I think that might be what gets me the most… The effect on the kids.

    • I agree completely about the children part. We plan wholeheartedly to tell our children and feel it is our duty as parents to educate them about this. We were in the dark and vow to never have them be.

      I don’t get the feeling they’ve been through it. If they had, they wouldn’t be as judgmental I don’t think.

      In terms of friend loss…sadly I’ve already lost friends over this. I wrote a post called “loss” a while back detailing the friends who walked away. When our friends say they “have no respect for cheaters”, it tells me they’d lose respect for my husband and I think it would damage our relationship.

      • I did not respect cheaters or the betrayed (who stay with them) until I walked a mile in the betrayed shoes. I was disgusted with my mother for staying with my dad after his affair until I walked the walk.

      • Me too. In fact, six months prior to the disclosure date, one of my good friends revealed to me that she had had an inappropriate affair with a coworker. I spent a long time talking with my husband about how disgusted I was by her behavior. I even told him that if he ever did something like that to me, he could let the door hit his ass on the way out. I was adamant that I would not stick around. In the end, those discussions are what prevented him from telling me about the affair earlier. I had told him that I would be unforgiving, and without expectation he kept his situation to himself. Even when he wanted to end it six months earlier, and was looking for someone to help him out of the gridlock he felt placed in, he couldn’t turn to me because he thought I would leave. Funny how once you put on a new parish shoes, you don’t necessarily walk the same path you expected to.

  3. sorry i just read your post again and want to take back my first comment :P

    i sometimes wonder if talking about it, isnt putting ideas in peoples heads, ohh, i wonder what thats like? im unhappy in my marriage, i should try it… maybe what we should be more open about, are the real reasons people become unhappy in their relationships, and that those reasons are not always about the betrayed spouse… for eg: if you dont ask for what you want out of your relationship… then guess. what. you dont get it. you know… his needs her needs, expectations, honest communication stop acting like princes and princesses and so on… :P

    i know you have to be careful about who you tell, not that im going to be that chick who just unloads on every person she meets, but i dont intend, once were beyond a certain point, to keep it a secret, i suck at keeping secrets anyway, but after this… ugh.

  4. A tough call. I don’t speak to a soul about it. My BS initially told many of her friends and colleagues including some of mine. I told each of mine, that I was sorry she felt the need to involve them and that we were getting counseling. If any of them offered to talk with me about it I politely said I didnt think it was necessary.
    But you are entirely right, most people having not experienced infidelity first hand or maybe even thru a close friend, are quick to judge harshly.

  5. undeniable infidelity says:

    I’m in the midst of struggling with this right now. I also have an OC as a result of my WS’s affair. The OC will be turning one soon. Over the last year we’ve gone from an over protective OW that didn’t really want us to even touch her child, to an exasperated OW that is so grateful when we come for visitation that she happily leaves the OC in our care. Now that the OC is nearly weaned we will probably start taking her for longer periods of time, and eventually even overnight visits. As the OC becomes a bigger part of our life, I know it will be more and more difficult to keep the affair under wraps. There are so many of our good friends that we haven’t told, because it’s such a bomb shell and we don’t want to ruin our friendship over something that has very little to do with them, but at the same time these types of things do come up in conversation from time to time and I really feel like we’re lying to them by our omission. I don’t like having inauthentic relationships. Eventually I think we may just have to accept the harsh truth, that if our friends can’t handle this knowledge, then we need to find different friends who can handle it. There is absolutely nothing we can do to undo the affair and everything (good and bad) that it has done to our relationship; it is part of us and eventually any long-lasting friends will have to accept that.

  6. I’m in the same boat as many of you. We still have a very few close friends who have been with us since the beginning of the affair coming out, but have also lost friends. I don’t however consider myself fully healed but haven’t talked much about my journey or our journey for quite a while because I worry about alienating even those friends. It has slowed my healing down, keeping so much inside. I have some new friends who don’t know our history or what we deal with. I haven’t decided what I plan on doing about it, but am leaning toward being authentic and truthful at some point and letting friendships sort themselves out.

  7. I so understand this post. I have told none of our mutual friends. My counselor advised me not to. My husband, too, has asked me not to. He says he is so deeply ashamed and it is not the person who he saw himself as or wants to be. He does not want to be branded a cheater for the rest of his life for what he claims is one mistake.

    It is very lonely not being able to tell our mutual couples friends. I know many of the wives would be threatened by this, and likely not want to associate with him. They would also strongly advise me to leave him as they have done this with other wives whose husband’s have cheated.

    The other sad thing is that my husband and the husbands of our couples friends used to share a weekly boy’s night out and a twice yearly, men’s only trip. All the women in our group hated these activities, my husband was the one who often arranged them. I got quite a bit of flack from these women for allowing the activities. I was the one who supported the men’s things the most and complained the least. I thought some separateness would make for a healthier marriage and happier husband. I was so wrong.

    All the other wives complained about the trips and weekly boy’s night out, vociferously…..at least initially.

    My husband is no longer allowed to engage in these activities and the men as well as the women are somewhat curious about this. some of the men have pushed my husband to arrange these night’s out and trips again, but he always finds an excuse not to. The couples both men and women are somewhat befuddled.

    Recently some of the wives complained to me that their husbands miss the men’s only activities. I just shrugged and advised them to talk to my husband about why he was no longer interested in arranging or engaging in the men’s only activities.

    I do wish I could share, though. I hate making excuses and as I said, it is lonely not letting anyone know.

    Also, I know that quite a few of his men friends, would hit him upside the head and say: What the heck were you thinking. I think he needs to hear that, too.

    He has asked me not to share though

  8. Good points made here. I just got back from a marriage retreat where the sole topic was Infidelity (avoiding and recovering). There were two couples on the panel who spoke openly about their experience and took questions from the audience. One of the wives (the betrayed) decided it was best not to tell her family since she wanted to stay with her marriage and (probably correctly) assessed that her family would not be as forgiving to her husband.
    I have not told my family that I attended the retreat because I didn’t want them to know it was about affairs. I didn’t want them to wonder if we’d experienced adultery in our marriage. I didn’t want to expose that I have any concerns for the health of my marriage. Just typing this feels so weird to me. I know that attending such a retreat was a smart and positive investment in my marriage but I’ve kept it a secret because it is taboo. It is taboo. It happens to most marriages but somehow it remains taboo. Which only means most marriages don’t get the support and education they need to avoid and recover from affairs. Wow. that is pretty screwed up.
    Yes we should be talking about it. For the health of marriages everywhere.
    Somebody need to do it.
    So do you want to start first or should I?

  9. I so agree with Goodwife. I speak to whomever I feel I need to about it. And my friends and family have been so supportive of me. Additionally, its been extremely therapeutic to discuss it so openly. Remember secrecy is a big part of betrayal. I for one refuse to participate or collude with regard to “protecting” that secrecy. Folks, there are consequences for such behavior. There are reasons why people judge harshly. And having endured an utterly devastating betrayal and come through on the other side, I feel even more strongly than before that the harsh judgements are lawful. While I have forgiven my husband and our relationship is the best it has ever been, even transforned, I view Betrayal as one of the worst things a human being can do to another. It points to a serious character flaw, a certain furtive despicableness, deceitfulness, and outright cowardice, not to mention juvenile and monumental selfishness, and lack of mature coping skills. Betrayal has been the single most painful and soul crushing experience I have ever endured and it has forever changed me. And if sharing our experiences with others gives someone pause before acting, then that alone makes it worth it. But discussing it has helped me forge bonds with other women as we struggle with the fallout in every aspect of our lives. I have not lost a single friend or fallen out with my family, though they make it clear that they support me because they simply want me to be happy and consider what he did inexcusable. And I’m fine with that, consequences you know.

    It amazes me that some betrayeds are more invested in protecting their betrayers at the expense of their own healing? It’s bad enough to endure the devastation of betrayal, but then to feel you have to protect betrayers from the consequences and maintain their secret, seems counter-intuitive to me. It conveys that what they did was not so bad. And it does not help them understand and appreciate the horrendous impact of what they did. Further,That “secrecy” forms a barrier between you and your friends and family and impedes or even conflicts with true authenticity. A betrayer who would ask their spouse not to tell anyone is a coward unwilling to face the consequences of their actions. My husband was supportive of my doing whatever I needed to in order to recover. While he was ashamed and embarrassed how people would think of him, he didnt hide or run. He faced the music. And it was that kind of selfless support that accelerated my healing. But then it could be that my ideals differ from most, but I refuse to give them up.
    Also discussing betrayal openly takes a certain amount of courage and fearlessness. But know this, if you can endure betrayal, you can certainly brave the opinions and advice of your close friends and family.

    • Unlike your situation I have lost friends and family. I don’t stay quiet to protect him. I stay quiet because I have learned that there is another loss coming to me if I do. That’s not with ALL, as I’ve told a bunch, but when people tell me how they feel and are so strongly against the situation, I know telling them is volatile. My husband also hasn’t asked me not to tell…he wouldn’t do that. We just know thy in these two isolated situations, telling would mean incurring a loss. I lost my mom two years ago to death. My father isn’t far behind. I can’t lose my brother through this.

      So far, in telling people, I’ve lost:

      -2 friends
      -1 aunt
      -1 uncle
      -4 cousins and their 16 kids
      -1 life long family friend

      Until you’ve lost someone after telling, I guess one can’t really be apprehensive about telling people since you haven’t lost anything or had a negative consequence in doing so.

      • I’m puzzled. What do you mean you lost family?. Did they disown you or refuse to speak to you because of what your husband did? I know my oldest adult son was furious with my husband but he grudgingly accepted that we decided to work it out because that was what I wanted, plusmy husband was demonstrably remorseful. Although, other family members were a little less forgiving, in the end, they wanted me to be happy even if they didn’t agree with reconciling and thought harshly of my husband. While I understand things can be awkward and even tense, I can’t imagine family and friends turning from someone they care about especcially during their time in need. Who does that? And what does that say about them and your relationship?

      • My family found out when the OW sent emails to my family. Some family told other family and I guess they weren’t supportive of my decision to stay. They also couldn’t have a relationship with him anymore. We live in different countries so we aren’t super close, but losing family is still losing family. Yes, it says a lot about them.

  10. I so agree with Goodwife. I speak to whomever I feel I need to about it. And my friends and family have been so supportive of me. Additionally, its been extremely therapeutic to discuss it so openly. Remember secrecy is a big part of betrayal. I for one refuse to participate or collude with regard to “protecting” that secrecy. Folks, there are consequences for such behavior. There are reasons why people judge harshly. And having endured an utterly devastating betrayal and come through on the other side, I feel even more strongly than before that the harsh judgements are lawful. While I have forgiven my husband and our relationship is the best it has ever been, even transforned, I view Betrayal as one of the worst things a human being can do to another. It points to a serious character flaw, a certain furtive despicableness, deceitfulness, and outright cowardice, not to mention juvenile and monumental selfishness, and lack of mature coping skills. Betrayal has been the single most painful and soul crushing experience I have ever endured and it has forever changed me. And if sharing our experiences with others gives someone pause before acting, then that alone makes it worth it. But discussing it has helped me forge bonds with other women as we struggle with the fallout in every aspect of our lives. I have not lost a single friend or fallen out with my family, though they make it clear that they support me because they simply want me to be happy and consider what he did inexcusable. And I’m fine with that, consequences you know.

    It amazes me that some betrayeds are more invested in protecting their betrayers at the expense of their own healing? It’s bad enough to endure the devastation of betrayal, but then to feel you have to protect betrayers from the consequences and maintain their secret, seems counter-intuitive to me. It conveys that what they did was not so bad. And it does not help them understand and appreciate the horrendous impact of what they did. Further,That “secrecy” forms a barrier between you and your friends and family and impedes or even conflicts with true authenticity. A betrayer who would ask their spouse not to tell anyone is a coward unwilling to face the consequences of their actions. My husband was supportive of my doing whatever I needed to in order to recover. While he was ashamed and embarrassed how people would think of him, he didnt hide or run. He faced the music. And it was that kind of selfless support that accelerated my healing. But then it could be that my ideals differ from most, but I refuse to give them up.
    Also discussing betrayal openly takes a certain amount of courage and fearlessness. But know this, if you can endure betrayal, you can certainly brave the opinions and advice of your close friends and family.

  11. I initially made the decision not to tell anyone for my own selfish reasons. My husband was more than willing to confess his sins to our families and friends. But I said no. I felt so much shame. I was “that” woman that everyone talked about. The woman that couldn’t keep her man. The woman who “must have DONE something to drive him to another woman’s arms. etc.etc. I internalized so much guilt and shame it was ridiculous. Took months of therapy for me to even BEGIN to let go of it, and place the blame squarely on my cheating husband his AP.

    But there would have been costs to telling. My father is 86 and not in great health. My husband is the son he never had. It would destroy their relationship, likely to his grave. I know it would stress my father tremendously as he has sad many times he is relieved that when he is gone, I have such a good man looking out for me. As for my husband’s family, they would see cheating as wrong until they figured out…….what did EG do to prevent it? Must have been her fault. She must have driven him to it. So numerous relationships wrecked on that side of the family, and believe me they are on shaky enough ground as it is. One foul up like that and the kids and I would be gone from their lives. No question.

    For now, its enough that we have several friends whom we deeply trust that know. They have been rocks and beyond supportive. We both hope that one day, when we are fully healed from this, we will able to share our testimony with out church family and perhaps start a group to support those going through similar bad times. If our words save just one couple from this hell, it will truly help ease OUR pain.

  12. I had very different thoughts about infidelity and what my breaking point would be before my husband had an affair. So I may have expressed some very hard and fast opinions previously, no gray areas and no consideration to anyone but myself.

    To that end, I have told just about everyone who I feel loves and cares about me and support I need. My family rallied around me like nothing I could ever have imagined like I could never have imagined possible and THEY convinced me to take another look at marriage before walking out. Additionally, my sisters took care of my husband during his darkest days when he had nobody to turn to. My teenage children threw themselves at us and begged us to make this work. I remember my 15 year son crying, “Mom, we are a family. We can make this work. — Dad, help!”

    I felt no need to protect my husband or the third party, I told her husband and her parents. She and my husband worked together so I also contacted their boss and advised the office what was happening.

    During discovery I reached out to my in-laws for help and their response was that they raised their son to be a moral man (ha ha), at disclosure they also reminded me that it take two tangle, so now THEY LOST ME. I see them now and then but our relationship is at a halt.

    What I really want to say is that you cannot expect people to understand what “they” would do, until they are faced with the situation. Recently I spoke to one of my very best friends, my college roommate, I had avoided her through this ordeal; only to learn that she experienced infidelity–I thought for sure that she would judge harshly instead, she expressed love, respect and support for me.

    In the end it is a personal choice, for me there was no choice, I could not keep this to myself and I am glad that I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I did not post it on Facebook or display it on a sign in the center of town. Through it all, I learned more about love and received more love and I will forever be grateful for the people who where there. Lastly I will never again say, “I will never put up with that.”

    May God Bless, Keep and Guide Us…..

  13. Dazmeister9 says:

    As the husband I should state my opinion. The women I became involved with, that I am convinced alongside a number of other men, had borderline personality disorder, decided to play the victim with everyone we shared a joint running club with.
    Fortunately a number of these men had already spooted she is a loose cannon.
    She continues to befriend and associate with female club members and many of which have disclosed to others how she subtly continues to manipulate them and present my wife as the evil one. I think everyday of the pain I caused my wife and I respect her for even attending running events with me.
    I also know of the grief this mental woman has caused others and that she can’t help herself but destroy everything she can: which is other people.

  14. Infidelity really is a taboo subject. Thanks for blogging about it. As for my own situation, I have only told three people. It is a burden some days because I just want to shout it from the rooftop! I haven’t even told my best friend of 34 years because I know she would be judgmental and not supportive at all of my decision to stay. To be honest, I never thought I would stay in a relationship where my partner cheated on me and was always very vocal about it. I always told my husband that if he ever did have an affair that he could just walk out the door and never come back. Never say never! Sadly he wasn’t the one who told me about the affair. I had to learn from the insane and unstable OW. He obviously never wanted me to know and he couldn’t believe he had gotten himself into a situation where he was so manipulated. He told me he was afraid to tell me himself because I always told him that we would be done if he ever screwed around and he didn’t want to lose our family. I’m not making excuses for him but after having dealings with this OW I can see how she would destroy someone’s life. She still pops up now and then to try and wreak havoc in our lives and destroy what we are trying to re-build.

    When you are dealing with the reality of infidelity you need to be able to share your situation with people in your life who will be supportive and not pass judgment on either one of you. I don’t stay quiet to protect my husband, I stay quiet because this is a battle that needs warriors who will stand behind both of us.

  15. Reblogged this on Tales of a Jealous Wife and commented:
    Just coming back from a marriage retreat focusing on preventing and recovering from affairs, I now realize that it is extremely important for married people to about infidelity. Discussing it, rather than hiding it, helps us all learn and, I believe, have better marriages from just talking about it. I don’t mean gossiping, I mean, opportunities to learn from people who have gone through it. Anyway, I appreciated this post and wanted to share it.

  16. I agree with this and often feel like if I want to be close with a friend who doesn’t know my story, I should tell it. Three of my closest friends know, but my husband feels shame about my affair, so he doesn’t like me to tell. Yes, it is tabboo. One thing I learned is that it doesn’t happen the way we all assume it does. I get it now.

  17. This is where I am struggling now. I desperately want to talk to my friends about my husband’s affair with a trashy whore but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to do it because of the judgments they have already made about men who have affairs. I just feel so alone – even when I am in a group of friends. I don’t feel authentic or real with them and this just adds to my sadness.

    • To notjunecleaver87:

      Just wondering how long it has been since DDay for you? My husband was involved with a trashy whore as well, one who is manipulative and sadistic and vengeful. It has been 20 months post DDay for me and trust me it does get easier. I have shared my experience with only a handful of people that I know won’t pass judgment. I have friends who have very strong opinions about men who have affairs (I was one of those people at one time) and that is why I haven’t told them. You need people who you know will support you. Have you spoken with a counsellor or your Pastor? Through our church I have connected with a really wonderful person who just listens and doesn’t pass any judgment on me or my husband. I don’t feel authentic or real either when I am with my family or my husband’s family because they have no idea what we have been and are going through. I pray that you find someone you can talk to.

      • It has been 6 months since my husband confessed his affair. His affair was a little different. He met the whore at a professional conference and, after a night of her buying him drinks, telling him how “hot” and “brilliant” he was, she suggested they go to her room because “no one would ever have to know”. He went. The thing is he knew and she knew. She spent the next several years calling/emailing/texting him and threatening to tell me if he did not help her with her career. He finally had enough of her threats and manipulations and told me. We are in counseling, both couples and individual. and while that is helping the support of friends is missing for me. I do have one friend that I talk to because she was very open and honest with me several years ago when her husband had an affair. I know she doesn’t like talking about my husband’s affair because she told me that this hurts her because she has always looked at our marriage as an example of a great one. (Shirley Glass is right – affairs do happen in good marriages) I can’t talk to my family because my father is a retired judge who signed too many divorce decrees due to infidelity for him to accept this and 2 of my brothers are ministers who believe infidelity is unforgiveable. They have a close relationship with my husband and this would end that. I know I/we still have a long way to go in this recovery process. I am just thankful that my husband has told me everything and willingly answers all of my questions and endues my many, many meltdowns.

  18. I’m not a betrayed spouse; my sister is. You know how people say you don’t really know how you’ll react until you’re in a situation? The same thing goes for the loved ones of the betrayed. My father was a serial cheater who blew up our lives with his affairs, so I have very strong, very volatile feelings about cheating spouses, and fully expected that if it ever happened to someone else that I loved, I would not hold back on telling them exactly what I thought they should do (i.e., tell him/her to GTFO). But when my sister told me about my BIL’s affair, I could see from that very first conversation that she wasn’t asking me to weigh in on what she should do. She needed my love and support to get through it and make the best decision for her family. So even though the topic of cheating still provokes a “leave his ass and when you go, take half” reaction in me, I keep all of that to myself. I know it isn’t about me. Her marriage is for her and my BIL to sort out. Do I still feel anger and disgust with my BIL sometimes? You bet I do. I HATE what he did–fucking hate it. But he’s my family too and I love him, so I will figure out a way to deal with those negative feelings on my own. My point is in spite of what your friends have said, you can’t really know how they’ll react until you’ve told them. They don’t even know for sure how they’ll reaction, they only think they do. I absolutely understand why you’re reluctant to tell anyone since it’s cost you friends and family in the past, but should you ever feel the need to confide in them at some point, I hope they surprise you. I hope they prove they care about your friendship more than they may hate what your husband did.

    As for “hiding” the affair from others, my sister never had the option. She and her husband have joint custody of the OC, who is biracial. He’s also smack in the middle age-wise of her two oldest kids. Anyone who looks at my nephew can put two and two together, so keeping it to themselves was never an option. On the one hand, its been hard to have their business out there, but on the other its freeing too, if that makes sense. There’s no real question of whether or not they should tell someone. Has it cost them potential friendships? Probably. But it’s no real loss in the long run, because who needs friends like that anyway?

  19. I have been following you for exactly a year…My D-day November 7 at 4:00 pm it was a beautiful fall day :). I think to say I followed you is putting it lightly, I clung to you and read your journey through tears,. You got me through many a bad day and saved my marriage. You gave me the courage to start a journey of healing with my husband and family. I took a slightly different path and have made my struggle public, finally last week I came straight out on Facebook and confessed to 500 friends that my husband had cheated, my 15 pound weight loss wasn’t a “new diet fad” sorrow had ate my ass ;-) Yesterday after friends pushing me I started a blog. If you have a minute stop by and visit…It would be an Honor to hear what you think, you’re kind of a hero of mine. I’d post a link but I can’t figure the damn thing out lol so try “thecancanwhoreaffair.wordpress or my blog is called “Happiness used to live here….surviving an affair

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  1. […] just remember that a little bit ago, over onRescuingmymarriage.com, the writer (I don’t know her name) speaks about Lifting the veil of taboo on the subject of […]

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