Jumping on the betrayed-wife-bashing bandwagon


I get it…when people are from different sides of an argument, it is hard to see and accept the other side’s views.  With infidelity, like any other highly emotional and charged topic, it becomes even harder.  I struggled a great deal and did a lot of work in order to be able to see and understand my husband’s affair through the eyes of his mistress.   And, although I have made the efforts to see her point of view and appreciate her struggles in the outcome of disclosure, I still nonetheless see her as a crazy, mentally-ill individual who isn’t deserving of any of my pity or time.  Seeing the other side doesn’t mean joining the other side, and abandoning your views.  It is simply about OPENING YOUR MIND TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT ANOTHER SIDE EXISTS.

As a betrayed wife I can completely understand the anger that a betrayed wife feels in the wake of an affair discovery.  I can understand the trash-talking that happens when you find out that another woman slept with your husband, was impregnated by your husband, kissed your husband, gave free blowjobs to your husband, stroked your husbands ego and all other parts that needed stroking, flirted with your husband, made plans with your husband, etc.  While this trash-talking can get a little intense and sometimes over the top, what I don’t understand is the trash-talking that comes from the other side.   Now this blog’s readership is comprised mainly of betrayed spouses who go online looking for someone who can relate. But, there are also readers who have themselves been mistresses and who un-apologetically admit to seeking out and taking pleasure in coaxing a man into the bedroom and out of a marriage.  They have their own forums, and their own blogs like this one where they ask for and receive support for the pain they go through when an affair is revealed (especially if the husband returns to the wife, leaving her and all the promises he made behind).  I get it, there are many people hurt in an affair, but that is for another post, so I digress…

Where was I?  Oh right…I understand the trash talk from betrayed wives to mistresses, after all, they engaged willingly with a man they knew were married (and for sake of argument I am not referring to those who perhaps had no idea the man they were sleeping with was married with kids, a dog and a picket fence).  What I don’t understand is the trash talk that comes in the other direction; the mistresses who trash on the wives, and blame us for their situation.  The mistresses, upset at how things didn’t go according to “plan” and then hate us for fighting for our marriage and our family.   That makes no sense to me, and yet sites abound with women who were the “OW” in a relationship and who lash out at the wife, putting her down, telling her she wasn’t enough to keep her man, capitalizing on her low self-esteem in the aftermath of the affair and taking the cheap shots when she is down.  Who does that?  Better yet, who does that when the situation was started by them, and they are the ones in the wrong?  It’s like cutting someone off in traffic and then flipping THEM the bird…

A further "Fuck you" to the betrayed wife

A further “Fuck you” to the betrayed wife

 

While “most” mistresses expect married women to become angered when the affair is discovered, strangely they don’t allow us this reaction when it does happen. It’s like we are expected to just shutup and take it.  And, when we call other women out on their behavior, we are called “bitches” and “overly emotional” and “hysterical” (the ow in my husband’s affair called me this many a time) and “overreactive”.  The irony is that if the tables were turned, they would behave in EXACTLY the same way.  But, in order to understand and appreciate that, these women would have to put themselves in our shoes, something that exhibits EMPATHY, and is something that I feel many of these women lack, which is exactly why they participate in these things in the first place.

Last night, while perusing my CNN app on my phone before bed, I came upon an article by Peggy Drexler, writing an opinion piece about Arianna’s blog “She’s a homewrecker”, where betrayed wives post lurid details and sometimes call out and name the women who were involved in affairs with their husbands.  This journalist essentially called this retaliation “bullying”, and claimed that women tearing down other women is horrid when the husbands are getting off scot-free.  I’m sorry?  My husband got off scot-free?  I don’t think so.

To say that this journalist doesn’t get it is an understatement.  Where on “She’s a homewrecker” does it say that betrayed wives have absolved their husband’s of their responsibility for the affair and opted to place sole blame on the mistress?  It doesn’t, yet this is what the author has implied.  Funny, because she says “it takes two”, so if she follows her own argument, she sees fault lying on both sides, but yet fails to see that betrayed wives, while choosing to out the mistress in public, is likely lashing out at her husband as well.  The difference is that the husbands return home, while the mistresses run deep into the woods, back into obscurity, pointing fingers at the wife, returning to the rocks from under whence they came.

Once an affair is disclosed, the mistresses scurry like rats abandoning a sinking ship.    Husbands come home to face the music.  Mistresses escape down a fire escape.  How are betrayed wives to express their anger and disappointment when one of the parties recedes into the darkness?  Yes it takes two, but the husband’s payback is something most don’t see, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen.  Wives out their husbands, embarrass them, pay them back for the shame and hurt in many ways.  The difference here is that they have ACCESS.  With mistresses, many betrayed wives don’t even get a name, let alone an address, workplace or cell number.

Peggy write:

Although sleeping with a married man is of questionable morality — and that’s, of course, assuming the woman is even aware the man’s attached — the job of staying faithful belongs to the man who took the vow. And yet on “She’s a Homewrecker,” the men get off largely scot-free.

OMG if I have to hear this argument again, I will spit.  The vow argument?   Yes, he took the vow, but when a woman knowingly sleeps with a man she knows is married, why is she off the hook?  Why is Drexler so keen on letting her be?   Has she herself been the OW in an affair.  One must wonder.   So the breaking of the marital vow falls on the husband, yes, but marriages are contractual agreements, if you will, between a man and a woman.  In business, when a third party violates or interferes with an existing contract, they are said to be committing Tortious Interference.   Tortious interference, also known as intentional interference with contractual relations, in the common law of torts, occurs when a person intentionally damages the plaintiff‘s contractual or other business relationships.  An example of tortious interference  is when “false claims and accusations are made against a business or an individual’s reputation in order to…[break a contract].  Funny, I seem to remember stories of the OW telling my husband how much I must not love him because I don’t dote on him like she would.  I also recall her mentioning, after having stalked me at my car, mentioning how pathetic women are who have my hair style and drive the kind of car that I do.  She found any angle to put me down in his eyes, trying to compete with me by trashing me to him.  Based on the example above, if this were a business, she would be guilty of tortious interference.

So why is it that business contracts are better protected against trolls than marriages are, when they are the foundation of our family lives?

Drexler also writes:

Despite this, the “homewrecker” still must pay, and does, in the form of having her name, details of her life and no fewer than six photos of herself splashed all over the site.

This is payback?  Really?  It doesn’t come close, in my opinion.  OK, so her name and reputation are compromised.  So are mine.  But is her family compromised?  Is her deepest and most intimate relationship violated?  Are the lives of her most vulnerable and cherished family members (paralleled with the children of a marriage) destroyed?  Are her foundations of trust shattered?   No.  I would EASILY take the shame of having someone post about me than what I’ve been through.  Seems like a cake-walk Peggy, and to compare the two is ridiculous.  It is the LEAST of what they deserve.   And don’t say that the husbands get off scot-free because, my dear, they don’t.  My husband has paid dearly, both emotionally at almost losing his family, financially at being sued on false charges for the purposes of extorting money and the child support he is willingly paying.   On the other hand, the OW has been successful in coaxing my husband into bed,  getting pregnant on purpose, and choosing to have the baby she wouldn’t otherwise have had, and having that child MORE THAN COMPLETELY PAID FOR.  She doesn’t pay for A SINGLE THING RELATED TO THAT CHILD because her child support check is enormous.  Sounds like she is basking in it…no?  I haven’t posted to “She’s a homewrecker” but I don’t admonish those who have.  In some cases, with mistresses running for the hills and leaving the husbands to absorb the damage, they leave the betrayed wives no other choice because they simply don’t take the honorable route: apologize, express remorse and beg for forgiveness for the damages you have caused to an innocent party.  It’s what we teach our children in grade school.   I guess these women missed that class.

I will be penning a response to Ms. Drexler on this article.  I hope you will too.

 

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Comments

  1. I call the other woman “the whore”…I don’t feel bad for this after the games she tried to play with my life and the lack of remorse she showed. I got my payback by making her lose her job, keeping my family and surviving. Have I thought about “outing” her on the homewrecker site…umm yeah, but in the end I found my revenge by blogging about my journey and watching from a distance as she grows fat and old with her ex-husband, her second choice, and hope with every part of me she is as miserable as she looks. “We” didn’t do anything wrong and get to react however we want…my husband pays a price every single day as he struggles to set right what he selfishly destroyed, “the whore” still thinks she is the victim. Love you..love your blog and what you are doing for women like me.

  2. Well, let’s be honest here – most of us did act crazy and hysterical in the days and months after D-Day, I know I did. As for the mistresses getting off scot free, I don’t think they do. I know my DH’s AP had people talking about her at work. Having been the OW myself now, I’ve had the wife chase after me, confront me, talk about me, and otherwise harrass me. My family is suffering because of it (again, my decision to do what I did, but she is creating more problems for everyone with her ongoing drama). It doesn’t bother me though, because I feel like she’s entitled to it and I deserve it. I slept with her husband. The shame of what I did is far greater than the pain I felt over being cheated on – because I chose that route. I failed morally on many levels. Once I learned my AP was married, I should have run, but it was too late by then, I was in the fog and didn’t know how to escape even though I wanted to. I think most OW/OM feel the pain of what they did very deeply, even if you can’t see it

    • Dawn, do you feel you did right by the betrayed wife in the ways you would have needed to when you were in her shoes?

      • Absolutely. I wish I had had the chance to confront her the way she did me. I wrote her an apology letter also and offered to sit down with her and answer any of her questions, if she ever desired. I have no ill will toward her. She and I were both conned by her husband, and I feel awful for it.

  3. My OW has purposefully made friends with couples and worked during that “friendship” to befriend the husband until she fells the time is right and then has an affair with them. In the meantime, she maintains a “friendship” with the wife which eventually over the years becomes abusive. Her affair with my husband was 8 years, affairs with my friends’ husbands, her brothers-in-law and yet, I know she feels no remorse and continues her behaviour. She has escaped consequences and continues to live a life of fun. She’s cruel, evil and her actions over the past 25 (more) years are continually covered up by her husband and father. It has been 3 1/2 years after D-Day, intense coaching from Anne and Brian Bercht, private counselling and I’m still not healed. Have I thought about posting her name? Oh yes. Part of me feels a responsibility to warn others like I wish I had been warned instead of other victims seeing my husband and me in relationship with her and her family, but saying nothing. There is nothing I could ever say that could come close to what she deserves.

  4. I felt sorry for “the whore” until she used that sorrow to feed my pain and anger…here’s an idea…don’t be a whore and I won’t call you one, and you won’t be treated like one. An apology letter…after you knowingly slept with her husband and had a part in destroying her family? I’m suprised she didn’t invite you over for tea and braid your hair….You were conned or you were in a fog…excuses…end of day you slept with her husband. You did it…she gets to be pissed and crazy.

  5. My husbands affair partner has not shown any remorse over what she’s done. My husband and I are struggling to rebuild some sort of marriage. Tomorrow will be 9 months since d-day. He’s paying for what he’s done. She on the other hand is carrying on in the unhappy marriage she had (what she claims drove her to do what she did) “I was in a bad place” is her excuse. But, I feel some sense of satisfaction. Her husband and I have become friends through this nightmare.. And now she is feeling threatened by me. Telling him not to have contact with me. My husband knows we are friends. I tell him what we talk about.. Which is mainly about our kids, work, etc.. Not their affair anymore… Part of me wants her to think I want to take her husband from her… Maybe she could understand what she has helped destroy in my life. Her miserable life may be all the pay back I need.

  6. that was a silly article… but i have to be honest, i think that site she writes about is silly too. of course i get it… but… it just feels like spreading their damage. id rather it all stopped with me.

    i was rather amused though… by a particularly memorable picture of an OW with the husbands load all over her face. now. if i had a picture like that… oooohhhh… could i NOT post it somewhere?

  7. In my case the OW posted on FB about the affair. That is how I found out. In the year and a half that followed she posted extremely intimate details about the affair, my life and relationship with my husband, let her friends listen to audio of them having a sexual encounter, posted his workplace and title as well as posting posters around my area with our names on it regarding the affair. She has filed a complaint with his job and is trying to have him fired. She did all of this while not even residing in this country legally.
    The “homewreckers” are not the only ones being “bullied.”

    • The ow got my husband fired six months after she quit. She played the I’m the victim card. Everyone who worked for him stood up for him and said she was crazy. She went after him. She had said if u don’t leave your wife I’ll get you fired. Well he didn’t leave and him getting fired sucked but now he has a new job had become a new man and we are in love. She knows it too. And hates me because he picked me over her and rather lose his job than be with her.

    • My ow got her revenge by getting him fired. But it was the best thing that ever happen to us. She of course tried to say it was all my husband s fault. She had two kids and a husband. She is a mother and she didn’t care about my babies. She tried to be friends with me. Told me in an email that my husband had to pay for what he did it her which was not leaving me. But not once did my husband blame her. He took full responsibility and we work everyday in rebuilding our marriage. That was my revenge the fact that I know that it kills her that we worked it out. I thank god everyday for my new life and I feel nothing for her but disgust. Karma is all I have to say karma

  8. It has been about two weeks since my husband told me about his affair and at present I am still very confused, unhappy, etc, but mostly ANGRY. Angry at my husband but at this stage more ANGRY at the OW. I was one of those woman that always wondered how the betrayed wife can blame the OW – I couldn’t understand this – it was always the husband as far as I was concerned!! But now that it has happened to me, I can truly understand. She deserves to suffer as much as I am suffering right now as far as I am concerned and I am still going over the ways in which I can get my revenge (?). I agree that my husband is not blameless in this but I deal with him in a different way (maybe this will change in time) but she knew all along that he was married and yet she has the utter cheek to tell me that she didn’t mean for it to happen, its not her fault, you dont choose who you fall in love with, etc, etc, in an email to me (apologising???). This is utter bull crap – she knew right from the beginning when she started “flirting” with him – as far as I am concerned, she put herself in that situation.
    I have managed to find out rather a lot about her, her family and her business (obsessed much??) and I would like to plaster her name and face all over the internet (and everywhere else I can think of) so that her family can know what type of woman she is – ideas are welcome!! Still thinking about this one though – I also don’t want to hurt my children who are very much into the ‘social media’ scene.
    It is also very hurtful when women criticise and judge what we (as wives) say and do but they have either never been in our shoes or totally a “better” person than I am. It is not an easy decision on whether to stay and try and make the marriage work or leave – I am having a much harder time on this decision that I ever thought possible. I love my husband and we have been together for 31 years (married 24 years).

    • You can always print cards with a really sexy picture of a pretty prostitute and put her name and her phone (her work and family number too) in it and a real cheap price so they would call and throw it around the city, leave some at bus stations and stuff like that.
      I’m not even kidding, a really close friend did that…. And it was SO FUNNY I’ll never forget!!

      • That is also very, very illegal and will land you in jail if she wants to press charges. These tactics are not just bullying, they are serious crimes.

      • How would she EVER prove it were you?? If you aare cautious nobody will know. They may suspect but can’t prove.

      • The questions that need to be asked here is “how long do you want this pain in your life?” “How long do you want to keep poking the beast?” “How much ongoing angst and torture can you tolerate?”

        For me, having thoughts like this is consuming. It eats you inside. You become obsessed with thoughts of harm and she is winning ladies. She’s planted herself from a seed in your mind, and each time you give her any energy, she grows.

        I know that for me, the OW thrived on tattle taling in order to get a rise out of us. She would make up the most asinine shit so that she could find a way to contact us via the lawyer. She was poking us, inciting us, inviting more anger and fight. We learned quickly that to ignore it is to diffuse it. She can’t gain energy from me if I dot let her. Eventually she stopped. Hopefully for good, and our lives have resumed.

        You can invest your energy into scheming to cause pain, and no one gets the desire in that more than me, but be better, not bitter – live your life happy…that’s the best revenge. I know it’s a cliche, but it’s so true. Nothing bothers our OW more than knowing that she is INSIGNIFICANT.

        Plaster flyers, destroy her, full yourself with rage and live each day in a hell hole you are making bigger for yourself. You are BETTER than she is. She knows it and so should you.

    • dotcablogger says:

      M

      It’s just a few weeks that you learned that your husband had cheated on you. So you will take time to experience anger and also low self esteem or sadness.

      You should ask whether you should stay married to your husband by questions like “Should I stay based on the time that I’ve invested in our relationship?” In your case, you’ve been married for 24 years and you had dated 7 years prior to getting married. And also ask “What problems did we resolve before this problem of him cheating?”. So did he work with you to fix an error that was causing friction between you two? Or if you two had solved problems together before, then maybe he will be empathetic right now on this problem that he had caused. And further ask, “How are we in the present?”. Obviously not too good because he had cheated on you. But compare that question with the problems that you’ve two have faced before. Will he want to stay married to you? And do you want to stay married to him? Anyway, you did not encourage or do a single wrong thing for your husband to get the idea to cheat on you. Several men cheat because men, as a gender, are more promiscuous. So when you do feel low self-esteem, try to remember that some men cheat because men, as a gender, are promiscuous. Some men, despite having such a gorgeous wife, will still have sex with other women because they are just promiscuous (Think Of Tiger Woods). Some long married men will cheat because they let themselves get encouraged or have their egos pumped up by another woman

  9. I got “the whore” in my case fired from her job…after she took us to court with a bogus restraining order, and tried to get my husband relocated at his job…she was taken by security bawling from the building…I don’t regret it at all. I have three teenage sons and yet I have made the choice to go public with the affair, choices made following ect….I write a blog using my name and story…it has been read in the town where she lives (links posted by a mutual friend) I am no longer obsessed with her and hurting her but getting to publically call her a whore on my blog…it makes me smile…I am a good person but i can’t forgive her…M, don’t let your anger consume you, but a little is a good thing it can get you past the really bad shit

    • Thanks rkabceden, It HAS certainly been consuming me in the two weeks since my husband confirmed the affair (feels like years though). I have been trying really hard not to think about it at all – but it is very difficult for me – it sort of “sneaks up on you when you least expect it”. What about contacting her ‘husband’ and telling him – I am not sure that he knows about the affair, I think she told him that they were just “friends” who had coffee now and then? I don’t want to actually hurt somebody else (except her, of course) but I also think that he has a right to know (or am I just wanting to hurt HER more by telling him)?

  10. Maybe if more other women knew they would be called out as trashy whores and “judged” they would think twice about screwing a married man.
    I have no problem at all with exposing homewreckers.

  11. Also, how would the ow press charges? Truth is an absolute defense against slander allegations.

  12. There are a lot of blogs about marital infidelity on the Internet, but this is the only one I have come across that speaks to me, says the very things I have thought. Fortunately, we don’t have an OC situation. But we are *trying* to work things out and I am trying to heal and it is encouraging to see that there ARE people who can achieve this. That is all I want.

  13. Wow, what a great entry! The OW in my situation is a manipulative, vindictive and controlling psychopath. When I think back to all the horrible, venomous and hurtful things she said to me I want to curl up in a ball and cry. She tried to steal my husband and she’s spewing crap at me? I can’t get over the nerve of this OW. I know she’s pissed because telling me about the affair didn’t have the desired outcome. He made his choice and she was NOT happy about it. This woman tormented us for 18 months. The last time I saw her she showed up at my workplace parking lot. She eyed me up and down and said “really” as if to insinuate I can’t believe he chose you over me. I didn’t give her the time of day. I didn’t say a single word to her. We haven’t had any contact since …. fingers crossed! I think because she didn’t get the desired reaction she was deflated.

    We are 21 months post D-Day. Only recently have I been giving the OW less thought. I would think about my husband’s affair every single day. It consumed me. I’m not saying that I’m healed completely or anything like that but with a lot of work we’re on the road to turning this marriage around.

    Your blog is amazing and it got me through some very dark days. Although I hate that this has happened to so many women, it gives me comfort knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with a psycho bitch who feels entitled to destroy someone she has never met.

  14. dotcablogger says:

    RRM I finally got time to read your post and reply to it. I say go ahead and write a poignant and very clear response to Peggy Drexler’s opinion on Arianna’s blog “She’s a homewrecker”.

    You have to. …Because if you say nothing, then likely Peggy’s opinion will just be accepted without challenge. Or no one will get exposed to the facts of why the mistress is called out when her identity is known.

    You’re right that many times the mistress’s name or identity is just not known. And when she is known, then of course the wife will name her and the wrongness of her choice to pursue and have sex with her husband. The mistress was never coerced or forced. Rape never happened. She was willing and looking.

    So, anyway, also write that the husbands often do get repercussions from their wives. The wives don’t write about it because when they have the mistress’s name, they are taking the time to name her and the abhorrence and ugliness of her choice, and that she had needed to have empathy to not encourage a married man to cheat on his wife. This empathy would simply have been not to have encouraged cheating because you don’t want to be cheated on.

  15. dotcablogger says:

    RRM I finally got time to read your post and reply to it. I say go ahead and write a poignant and very clear response to Peggy Drexler’s opinion on Arianna’s blog “She’s a homewrecker”.

    You have to. …Because if you say nothing, then likely Peggy’s opinion will just be accepted without challenge. Or no one will get exposed to the facts of why the mistress is called out when her identity is known.

    You’re right that many times the mistress’s name or identity is just not known. And when she is known, then of course the wife will name her and the wrongness of her choice to pursue and have sex with her husband. The mistress was never coerced or forced. Rape never happened. She was willing and looking.

    So, anyway, also write that the husbands often do get repercussions from their wives. The wives don’t write about it because when they have the mistress’s name, they are taking the time to name her and the abhorrence and ugliness of her choice, and that she had needed to have empathy to not encourage a married man to cheat on his wife. This empathy would simply have been not to have encouraged cheating because you don’t want to be cheated on.

  16. Can some one help me? I am left with a one month old baby when i found out my husband is having an affair with many china women half of his age.

  17. You seem determined to cast villains here, whenrhe truth is that it is often a far more complicated and nuanced sutuation than the one you depicting. I was the Other Woman, but my married lover was the Other Man. Each of us is married with children, so who is the villain now? People make conscious choices, people get hurt, and in the end no one wins. The whole situation sucks, including the curcumstances that led up to the affair and most especially the devastating aftermath. There are no winners, only survivors.

    • Anyone who gets involved with someone else when they are married already is the villain. Anyone who willingly gets involved with a married person knowing full well they are married is also a villain. A person who both betrays a partner and contributes simultaneously as a home wrecker is really just doing double duty as a villain.

      You are right, there are no winners. But the only innocent victim in all of this is the betrayed wife and the children, neither of whom contributed to any of it, yet have to live with the aftermath of dealing with the selfish choices others made at her expense.

      • Only the children are innocent. We are all villains when we cause pain to our partners, and pain can be caused in a variety of ways. An affair is just one way in which fractures in a marriage can manifest themselves, but there is also emotional abuse, verbal abuse, etc. All of these are selfish, hurtful choices. I am not supposing what happens in anyone’s marriage prior to the start of an affair, but what I am saying is that marriages are *never* perfect prior to affairs, and the marriage needs to be re-visited and re-examined. It’s not as black-and-white as thinking, “Things were great! You’re evil for having cheated!” An affair is a mistaken attempt to address marital issues outside the marriage. But don’t create these cartoon images of human beings. There are human issues that lead up to this, and human problems that result from it. But it’s not Super Wife vs Evil Husband and Psychotic Temptress.

      • Kindly tell me what role I played in my husbands affair. Was I asked to play a role? Did I support the idea? Was I consulted? No. I am completely innocent in the affair. I wasn’t ever asked nor did I play a role.

        What you are talking about are “marital issues” not affair issues. Was our marriage perfect? Nope. Did we both make mistakes? Absolutely. The key difference here is that my husband chose to have an affair…a choice I didn’t make. Affairs happen in good marriages, and bad marriages don’t necessarily have affairs. So one is not a precursor to the other.

        My husband chose a maladaptive response to a situation in his life that was bringing him great stress. His father was held overseas, new job, new business, stress…and we had a new baby. But the choice to have an affair was his and his mistress’ – not mine.

        You are right that no one is perfect in a marriage, but I had nothing to do with my husbands affair. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t condone it. My children and I are the innocent victims in his decision to have had an affair. Your refusal to grant me any compassion and instead try to deny me any claim to being a victim in this is very telling and is to be expected from someone who herself has been embroiled. I think you will always prefer to see betrayed wives as blameworthy for your own self preservation and to justify behaviors that you know are dispicable.

        I don’t need you to grant me permission to consider myself a victim in this. Every therapist who works with affair recovery will tell you the same thing. My husband also considers me an innocent victim of his choice. I don’t need the same from you.

      • I realize there are real people here and not cartoon characters. This is very real indeed. I pay my husbands cartoon character $4k per month out of our family pot, so it doesn’t get more real than that.

      • Frankly, it is between you, your husband, and your therapist to determine what issues were in your marriage prior to the affair. But the fact is that there were issues, and your husband owns his poor choice to act on these issues via an affair versus alcoholism versus shopaholic spending that wracks up credit card debt versus any of a number of other equally unhealthy but very human choices. There is a famous quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: “There are no victims, only volunteers.” You suffered a traumatic incident inflicted on you by a human being who you trusted. It was a violation of your trust. No one is disputing that. What I am pointing out is that these caricatures do not help any one to understand the human condition. Human make choices, some of which we categorize as egregious mistakes. We call these screw-ups, and other unsavory things. But people who make mistakes are human. If you choose to view yourself as a victim, that is your prerogative. I’m guessing that beneath your rage is just a very hurt person who is stronger than that, bigger than that, and has a much more powerful story still to tell. I’d like to read about that story, quite frankly. Enough about what someone else did or still doing to hurt you. Own all parts of your story: not just what happened yesterday or what i s even happening today, but what you want to happen tomorrow.

      • I’m not sure how much of the blog you’ve read but I am fully healed from my husbands affair. No now act as an affair recovery coach for others as I have a therapy background. This post isn’t an expression of a current hurt. That has long since been dealt with. Rather, it’s a reflection on this journalist’s comments about how women who have affairs with husbands are being “bullied” by betrayed wives when they are outed. It’s as if she feels that a betrayed wife should just suck it up and a woman who tries to steal her husband isn’t deserving of any backlash. I think that’s despicable and only serves to propagate this “blame the wife” mentality which is really just scapegoating at its finest.

      • Oh and I should add that I don’t view myself as a victim. I am a victor.

        Was I victimized by his choice? Yes. Was I an innocent player who has to deal with the fallout of his choice. Yes, I am. No one can dispute that. Am I a victim today? Nope.

        There can be as many issues in a marriage as you can imagine. That doesn’t ever justify an affair. Ever. It was a horribly selfish choice which impacted the life of a wife and children who didn’t deserve it. No one ever does. Marital issues and affair issues are separate issues. We didn’t have serious marital issues at all. The precursors to my husbands affair had to do with abandonment by his father, stress of a new job and title, stress of a new business and new baby. He needed as escape. He found one. It wasn’t to get away from me or our family. Our lack or marital problems was the main reason this came as such a shock as I too thought that affairs only happen in bad marriages. He just didn’t feel he could talk about his feelings openly and felt ashamed of not being able to handle the stress and with a new baby, I wasn’t picking up on his cues, as I was focused on the baby.

    • I really don’t need to be casting anyone as villains…those who played the role cast themselves there of their own choosing. My husband’s OW targeted my husband knowing he was married. Reading her emails, she is pulling every woman trick there is…including the “chameleon”…you know the one: I am anything you want to be. I love all things you love, agree with everything you do, and enjoy all of the same stuff”….”oh and by the way, your wife sucks, I feel sorry for you, I could do you so much better…” I can tell you one thing I know for certain: the villain isn’t me.

      • Amen to every single thing you’ve said here, RMM. Excellent post & comments from you.

      • Your situation certainly sounds like it contains broader strokes than mine, no doubt. And it sounds like salt in the wound of infidelity. That hasn’t been the case in my situation. He never bad-talked his wife, and I have never bad-talked her. And vice-versa re: my husband. I think in my case, my lover and I were two people in a lot of pain who made an ill-begotten but pre-meditated choice to ameliorate that pain with each other. There were no promises of forever. We ended due to his major depressive episode which put him back on meds, which was apparently triggered by us getting to close and realizing this wasn’t a game; it’s very real, and realizing that it thus posed a threat to each of our marriages. The truth is that the affair by definition was the threat, not whether the physical affair became emotional. And that the depression pre-dated the affair. But my point is that there are real people behind all of this, not cartoon characters.

      • I have a client who I broke down too when I found out about the affair. She took her time getting back to me but she told me something I will never forget she said Jess I hate to say this but your husband was an idiot and he was raped emotionally and physically by the ow. It took me a long time to figure out what that meant. After reading this blog and after reading the blog post by the husband about how the ow was I agree with my client. Was my husbamd wrong yes. Was he unfaithful yes. But the ow used every trick up her sleeve and I fully think she in her own way raped him but I was the victor. I am happy is she nope.

  18. Jane Baldinger says:

    Thank you for your article. I adore my husband been married for 25 years and known each other for 37. My husband had an “Office Wife” for almost 2 decades before my middle daughter discovered it. Initiated by a married woman and secretary at work (at the birth of my second daughter). My husband was 44 at the time. There was a conspiracy of silence in the office In my research people who are betrayed almost unanimously wish someone had the courage or found any way to tell them about their spouses affair/s. Because anyone can deal with the truth (even by using an anonymous letter) but we the betrayed are truly lost in a cruel fog-without it. My husbands “Mistress” was not motivated by sex but power and secrecy. And a prodigious need for male attention. There was only one man in the practice that was repulsed by her advances and didn’t engage or respond to her sexual overtures.

    This betrayal happened at a critical time and stage in my life. It happened when I was giving birth to children and at the beginning of a marriage.

    When I first found out I assumed by husband used power and seduction unjustly for his own purposes. Attempting to understands what transpired I conducted my own research while mustering compassion where I could because I live by a simple formula regarding love.

    My idea of love is for the highest good. I don’t want anything from my husband except (now more than ever) I just want the truth. For me love means wanting the best for someone even if it means not being in their lives or they pick another.

    When I heard I even began to wonder if an affair had helped our marriage in some way. It certainly allowed my spouse optimal distance and clearly he believed that sexual involvement with another woman would not hurt his family. However it wasn’t the sex – it was the secrecy and lying that practically destroyed us. I understood from closer inspection that we would have ended divorced and both asking why? If this “discovery” had not fianlly been made the marriage could have been counted as hijacked and destroyed. Since we never had a chance from the beginning and it was never consummated through genuine struggle or honesty. With a new understanding of infidelity – completely truncating that old adage that “If no one knows – it won’t hurt.”

    Upon further investigation and interviews I became increasing outraged not only at my husband but his mistress and others. I found it dishonest and specious to say that the affair was not common knowledge at this medical practice. Vexing for anyone NOT to acknowledge the benefits some female employee might appropriate (especially in the office) by using sexuality. And I would defy anyone given facts – to regard her as a victim.

    The instant we found out about the office affair my husband dropped her and stepped back into his family. (For how could he ever be close to us – with her as his secret). Until that moment their relationship was more real than the mystery of our family life where nothing is challenged or addressed because of fear of disclosure. The second she evaporated into smoke was the moment we stepped into the ring together.

    The numerous losses for us me and my three daughter’s are unique and incalculable. His cheating nuked our Global views where there is little to nothing that has not been defiled in our world. And the permanence of the betrayal is real. This betrayal by someone I believed (in all the world) was my closest friend means that I now have to rewrite the history of my relationships.

    I attempt to convey the feeling of holding competing notions together that even on one had as I have always and always will love my husband and this discovery has revitalized our marriage. I may also remain a person who will never completely recover from the after effects of such long-term betrayal. For even now as we appear stable much of my internal joy and happiness has been permanently lost. There is something fundamentally and irrevocably broken inside of me as I witness the world of people around me. If I could only express the damage done to a person’s sense of being connected and help dispel any myth that individual actions regarding secrecy never impact fully upon others. I am (and many betrayed) are living proof of this pain and casual cruelty.
    I daily work on forgiveness but can never forget how this marriage was torn apart and so early in it’s formation. While people watched.

    A woman who targets a married man with small children (children)? Thoughtless, no conscience, and a mate poacher. This particular woman’s greatest goal appears to be a “movable bed object.” Ah – female vanity? “See how I can steal him from you”, “See how the men all think “I’m so pretty, I’m so “Special.”

    But always secretive. Other women feel they are “winning” a secret battle with an unknowing wife.

    Someone said with regard to experiencing decades of deceit:

    I myself was missing in action
    Inside a war
    That I didn’t even KNOW I was involved

    Of course it’s been painful to watch people’s faced when they hear someone’s had a ‘wife’ at work for almost 2 decades. Many respond in expected ways. “I can’t even imagine what it’s like to endure such agony.” One particularly candid friend of mine exclaimed “Oh thank God it’s you and not me – sorry but really?” Because the standard reaction is that I (as his wife) failed to keep my mate happy sexually and emotionally. Those feelings of shame that wash over one- especially when people wonder what’s wrong with you (the spouse). “Why would they do such a thing for so long? How could you not know? How can you stay with him” It’s that Hillary Clinton type of Venom. What’s wrong with her?” They actually get more enraged at me the betrayed spouse.

    I can rage at myself
    I can rage at my spouse
    The mistress runs away…….

    Thank you this is one of the only articles I have seen that addresses the “other Woman,” in a more even handed way.

    Of course we know it’s all on the man but please let’s open up discussion and also hold all participants accountable.

    Sisterhood? There is none.

  19. Jane Baldinger says:

    I re-read my inititial entry and noticed a few typo’s “watching peoples faces.” and “Even on one hand” ……

    I would like to recommend two sources for exploration David. M. Buss strategies of Human mating.
    and Martha Stout. Ph.d The sociopath next door. The following it taken directly from her text with a few of my own observations of who I was dealing with:

    “Some people are completely free of internal restraints and feel unhampered liberty to do just as they please, with no pangs of conscience………while remaining utterly invisible to the world. They can do anything at all and will most likely remain………..Undiscovered

    When it is expedient

    They lie

    Stab others in the back

    They are resentful and envious

    Good at ensconcing themselves into a niche or series of niches in which they can have some amount of control over small numbers of people who are relatively helpless or in some way vulnerable

    Whatever their job may be they manipulate and bully the people who are under their thumb, as often and as outrageously as they can without getting fired or held accountable. They do this for its own sake, even when it serves no purpose except to give them a thrill.

    Maybe they are not the CEO of some company but they can frighten a few people or cause them to scurry around like chickens or steal from them, or-maybe best of all-create situations that cause them to feel bad about themselves. And this is power especially when the people they manipulate are superior to them in some way. This is not only just good fun, it’s existential vengeance. And without a conscience it is amazingly easy to do. They quietly lie to a boss or bosses boss cry some crocodile tears, or sabotage some coworker, or gaslight a patient or child, bait people with promises, flirt, smile. Provide a little misunderstanding that will never be traced back to them.

    But they will never be confronted by their conscience because they have no conscience. If they decide to kill the only difficulty will be the external ones. Nothing inside them will ever protest.

    They may have no interest in overt power but to manipulate. To the contrary they may be the sort of person who really does not want much of anything. Their only real ambition is to poach and not have to exert themselves too much to get by.

    But it will never occur to others that these people literally do not have a conscience, that in such a fundamental way, their very mind is not the same as ours.

    Despite their lifestyle they never feel irresponsible, neglectful, or so much as embarrassed, although for the sake of appearances, sometimes they pretend that they do. For example, if they are a decent observer of people and what they react to, they may adopt a lifeless facial expression, say how ashamed of their life they are, and talk about how rotten they feel. This they do only because it is more convenient to have people think they are feeling these feeling like being depressed than to have them witness that they feel absolutely nothing.

    They can manage to seduce people, figuratively or literally. Frequently gitting into sexual relationships with others – who do not suspect what they are really like. Characteristics typical of this type of person are some of the following: Deceitful, manipulative, sulking-irritability, failure to plan ahead, lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another person. Grandiose sense of self-worth (that upon close inspection seems odd or perhaps laughable). Greater than normal need for attention and stimulation accompanied by the incessant need for validation and hits to their sense of vanity. Known for their pathological lying and conning and parasitic relationships with “friends.” Demonstrating a failure to acknowledge responsibility or lacking insight for any problems that occur involving their relationships with other people.

    Noted especially for their shallowness of emotion, the hollow and transient nature of any affectionate feeling they may claim to have by demonstrating a certain breathtaking callousness. Have no trace of empathy and no genuine interest in bonding emotionally with a mate. Once the surface ‘charm’ is scraped off finds their marriage is loveless, one-sided and their partners value is that of a possession-one they may feel angry to lose but never sad or accountable about. This person will marry but never for love. They cannot fall genuinely in love, not with their spouses, their children or even a pet. They can know the words but not the music.” They do not care about their social world but they do want and need to blend in with it.

    People without conscience experience emotions very differently from you and me, and they do not experience love at all, or any other kind of positive attachment to their fellow human beings

    What distinguishes people like this (4%) from the rest of us? Is an utter empty hole in the psyche, where there should be the most evolved of all humanizing functions. And being conscienceless these people are nearly always invisible to us.

    To not care at all about the effects of our actions on others, friends, on family, on our children? What on earth would that be like? What would we do with ourselves?

    On a personal level, most of us have examples from our own lives in which someone unscrupulous has won, and there are times when having integrity begins to feel like merely playing the fool. It is the case that cheaters never prosper, or is it true, after all that nice guys finish last? Will the shameless minority really inherit the earth?

    We have seen far too many lives nearly obliterated by the choices and acts of a conscienceless few. These few are both dangerous and remarkably difficult to identify. It is very hard to deal effectively with the morally weak and ruthless. To understand this nature of people who routinely act against common good and who do so with emotional impunity. Only by seeking to discover the nature of ruthlessness can we find the many ways people can triumph over it, and only by recognizing the dark can we make a genuine affirmation of the light.

    Some people will never experience the exquisite angst that results from letting others down, or hurting them, or depriving them, or even killing them. The anonymity of “evil” and its maddening refusal to attach itself reliably to any particular societal role, racial group, or physical type has always plagued theologians and scientists.

    Someone like this lies artfully and constantly with absolutely no sense of guilt that might give them away in body language or facial expression. They use sexuality as a manipulation which hides their emotional vacancy behind various respectable roles- which is nearly an impenetrable disguise. For even if you see the sexuality, charm and role playing fail? Know who they are? And understand what their heart is like by catching onto their modus operandi? How will you call them out? Who can you possibly tell and what will you say? They are a liar? Are they going to care what you say?

    They don’t spend time searching for someone to love. They cannot love. They don’t worry about others who may seem in trouble because they cannot worry about other people. They care nothing for others, and so cannot enjoy or share the moment with anyone. The only thing they care about is winning.

    And Intrigue is their tool.

    It’s difficult to sees and even hard to explain because they don’t even have anything such as ‘feelings’ to hurt.

    Strategies and payoffs are the only thrills. The game is everything. Life is reduced to a contest and other human beings seem to be nothing more than game pieces, to be moved about, used as shields, or ejected. Even appearing mouse-like they can play their own games. For their perspective all that matters is playing the game and seeing that they can make people jump. Being able to make people jump with no one knowing means that they were winning. Controlling others-winning- is more compelling than anything or anyone else.

    Seduce and manipulate lovers by proffering sex? The game is the thing. The prize to be won can run the gamut from secretive alliances and domination to a free lunch but it is always the same game-controlling-making others jump, and that perception of “winning.” Usually winning in a secret competition with some poor victim who doesn’t even know they are being targeted by this person. Winning in this fashion is all that remains of interpersonal meaning when attachment and conscience are absent. But they want to play this game with other people. If all you had ever felt toward another person were the cold wish to “win.” How would understand the meaning of love, of friendship, of caring? You would not understand. You would simply go on dominating, and denying, and feeling superior. Perhaps they would experience a little emptiness sometimes, a remote sense of dissatisfaction but that is all. They live completely outside of the social contract.

    Most of these people are invisible and surprisingly difficult to see and even harder to explain.

    Without a conscience they have an uncanny sense of who will be vulnerable to a sexual overture and seduction is another very common technique. For most people a sexual liaison involves an emotional tie, even if only fleetingly, and such ties are used by the coldly, remorseless to get what they want-allegiance, attention, power, information a “sense of winning” or perhaps a temporary relationship (or marriage) that has the appearance of being normal. Seldom do we recognize the degree of power it bestows on this individual. Power over individuals of course but also over groups of people and in institutions.

    A person like this who is hiding out in an organization can have their tracks hidden indefinitely by just one or two normal individuals who have made the single mistake of consummating their attraction to this charmingly dangerous person.

    And sexual seduction is only one aspect of the game. We are seduced as well by the acting skills. Since scaffolding of a life without conscience is deception and illusion they must become proficient at acting. Paradoxically the visible signs of emotion at will can become second nature to the cold blooded – the appearance of intense interest in another person’s problems or enthusiasms, or righteous indignation, blushing modesty, weeping sadness. Crocodile tears at will are their trademark.

    Crocodile tears from the remorseless are especially likely when a conscience-bound person gets a little too close to confronting them with the truth. Or the opposite cold and bloodless reaction to any confrontation. When About to be cornered by another person they may lash back or turn suddenly into a piteous weeping figure whom no one in good conscience could continue to pressure. We can be fooled and doubt our own sense of reality.

    The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed as one would imagine at our fearfulness. It is perversely, and appeal to our sympathy. What they really want more than anything else is peoples pity. They have no regard whatsoever for the social contract, but they do know how to use it to their advantage. They can do anything at all without the slightest glimmer of guilt and they will get what they want completely without shame. Someone who fails to conform to social norms or who is “never monogamous” or who fails to honor obligations at the very essence someone ice-cold like a dispassionate game of chess.

    “Please don’t tell” often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing teeth is the trademark plea of thieves. They ask or even demand from others, “Keep it our secret” BUT OTHER PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE WARNED MORE THAN THEY DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR SECRETS KEPT SECRET.

    The only emotions they may feel genuinely are the so-called “primitive” affective reactions that result from immediate physical pain and pleasure, or from short-term frustrations and successes. Frustration may engender anger or rage and predatory success, winning at a game of cat and mouse typically sparks aggressive affect and arousal like a “rush” that may be experienced as a moment of glee. These emotional reactions are seldom long-lasting,

    Ordinary people like these without conscience visit pain on their families and communities but in the end, they tend to self-destruct. For most of us happiness comes through the ability to love, to conduct our lives according to our higher values (most of the time) and to feel reasonably content with ourselves. By definition they cannot love because they do not have higher values and they will never feel comfortable in their own skin. They are loveless, amoral and chronically bored no matter where they go they travel solo. The unremitting self-interest in people without conscience make them lousy team players as they are out for themselves alone. When they deal with another person, or even a group of people they attempt to do so by utilizing lies, flattery, and the creation of fear. When the thrill of manipulating other people takes over- all other objectives are eclipsed. The emotional bankruptcy they exhibit means they are forever deprived of an authentic emotional intelligence, a capacity for understanding how people work that is an irreplaceable guide for living in the human world. They actually believe they can increase personal power by diminishing others.

    We cannot imagine such careening emptiness for too long. But for them it will stretch through a lifetime as being a person without a conscience and someone who could guiltlessly do anything at all. The truth is that should a person have no conscience is that they can never truly love. When an imperative sense of responsibility is subtracted from love, all that is left is a thin tertiary thing- a will to possess, which is not love at all.

    There is the will to possess and to dominate, and then there is love.

    Dominating can constitute a temporary thrill, but it does not make people happy. Love does.

    One way or another, a life without conscience is a failed life.”

    • dotcablogger says:

      Jane

      So true.

      Not your fault.

      Also the Other Woman (or that friend of yours who actually was a Frenemy), is at fault. Both her and your husband.

      The best you can is heal. You have to do that for yourself.

      Like a person who got raped. You owe it to your self and self value to heal and recover.

      There is and also will never be a sisterhood (so no true feminism) when there are several women who will make excuses and reasons to be the girlfriends and fuck-friends (one night stands, friends with benefits) of attached men. So when women get involved with married men and with men who are the boyfriend of someone else, these women are the reality that there isn’t and won’t ever be a sisterhood.

  20. It took me a long time to heal. To figure out what I wanted. The OW is 50 wears glasses looks like a grandmother. I’m not kidding when my friends saw her they were floored. How could he have fucked her in motel rooms? I remember the day I found out. I found a sexual text. Now one thing about my husband is that he is anti social. So texting someone was weird. He had been acting weird for months. Aloof with me. We did have sex we parented together. We continued our everyday lives but I felt something inside me telling me something was off. They worked together. She is married with two kids. She friended me on fb. I would go into the store where my husband was her manager and she always made it a point to talk to me. To tell me how miserable she was in her marriage. Then one day out of the blue my hubby started going out with his work friends. That was weird. So I started investigating and what I found was devastating. The cell phone bill phone records. I spent hours going through them, it was one number that my husband was receiving text first thing in the morning and then one late at night. In total in one month there was three thousand text send to each other. When I figured out who she was I was blown away. Of course they denied it all. ,my hubby shut me out. He shut out our girls. But here’s where it gets even weirder she wrote him a card. I found a card while putting away his laundry. The card said how much she liked to fuck him and how he had to leave me. It was the right thing to do for our girls. That was the last straw. The fight we had was awful. I asked him for a divorce. He still said he hadn’t done anything. She denied it too. She said they were just good friends. Everything came to a halt when my hubby realized I was leaving with our girls. My poor babies were torn apart. My mom got into his face and said u are about to lose everything and for what? Look at your wife she has been with you through everything. She is beautiful and faithful. What can that old lady offer you. That’s when things changed. He begged me to stay. I told him I wasn’t sure if the marriage could be saved. But that day a new marriage began, he changed, he became different and when the OW realized she lost she decided to wreck our lives. Her hubby found out and that’s how I found out that boys night out was really her paying for a motel room to fuck my hubby and she was paying with her hubby credit card. That was DDay. I began my role as a detective. The women that worked in the store told me that the OW pursued my hubby. That she became his best friend. That she had done this before. She would become friends with the guys find out what was going on with them and use it against the wives. The story is long and hurtful. It’s been three years. He confessed it all to me. He never blamed her. She blamed him. I actually found a fb convo between them where she said that I was worthless. That I would never be the woman he wanted. That what he wanted was not to do laundry to come home to a clean house and a hot meal. She could do that for him. And if he really ended the affair she would tell me. She actually said you better meet me at the motel or not only will I tell your wife but I’ll get you fired. And she did. He lost his job. Everyone at work had to write a statement of what they knew. They all said the same thing. It was her going after him. I spoke to her and she admitted it. She wanted him and she was going to do everything she could to get him. She tried to destroy us. She sent me emails telling me how he would fuck her and the complained about me. Her hubby and I had a long talk of course he put the blame on my hubby. So I struggled for months and watched my husband changed into a man that became devoted to his family. And too me. I chose to forgive him. My client who also had a similar situation sat me down and open my eyes. She told me Jess I’m not saying Bryan didn’t do anything but u have too see it from a different perspective. This woman didn’t care about your family. She went after your husband. The affair started emotionally then turned sexually. She raped him. When I heard the words she raped him I laughed. I said he fuck her he made the choice to fuck her. But my client instead on me thinking about it from the emotional rape perspective. I gotta say she was right. My hubby mom had died he was a mess the OW went in for the kill during that time. And when she didn’t get her way she got him fired. But the kicker is that it was the best thing that could have happen. My hubby was humbled. He realized he messed up. That he almost lost us. Our marriage has changed. I don’t blame the OW both are equally at fault. But from the texting proof I got and from listening to her, to the other people at his job and her hubby I realized that she did pursue him. She did emotionally rape him. And in the end my life changed. It was tough to get past it. But it made me stronger. Not only that but our marriage is wonderful. Our sex life is fantastic, she didn’t win, I did..and at the end of the day she made my marriage stronger. She lost and I now am in a marriage that I feel as an equal. I feel loved. Everyday my hubby kisses me or hugs me. The things that he stopped doing he started doing again. I can safely say that I have moved pad this affair as much as any woman could. My girls are happy and the OW well from what I heard she is with her hubby and is miserable. Karma is a bitch.

  21. Dotcablogger & Jess

    Was exited to even hear any response! and am truly grateful to you ladies out there….

    I have been deeply moved by this blog and going back to the first entry and plan to read these out loud with my husband. Even with all this pain and smoke and the burning fields of all our marriages we smell victory. That kind of fire from rising up out of ashes.

    This blog is the first one I have accidentally discovered that allows the betrayed person ‘voice’ to explore some of these dark shadows and passages in our lives. I am stunned by MOST social reactions and responses especially in regard to betrayed “wives.” I’m so grateful to have found this forum where I can hear from other betrayed women. Any attempt to get at the truth of peoples experiences. Because our ‘voices’ were either stolen, or altered (and without our even knowing). There will always be other people’s opinions (who have never felt this type of infidelity tsunami shock waves rippling through out their lives and families, friends, community……)

    And the battle cry (usually screamed out secretly behind our backs) from the opposition (OW) which reminds me of some quote maybe coming from Game of Thrones?

    “He would be king of the Ashes…” (She would be “Queen of ashes.”)

    I think Anne Bercht’s book was the first thing I read in my aftershock of the “Discovery”

    Did you know that if they took an MRI scan of our brains upon the impact of learning of our spouse betrayal? The brain scans look like “Gun Shot Wounds.” That blew my mind……

    Wonder what the brain scans would look like over the years when we didn’t know but maybe suspected or even tried to find out/confront our spouses…….. while being in that “Fog” like state sensing secrecy and deceit but not being able to put a finger on it. (Blaming myself for feeling a little “crazy and odd.”)

    We are 3 years into our journey of healing

    When this hit our family immediately went into therapy with 2 therapist These men helped save my life along with some crazy wild support from dear friends. However at one point I felt therapy was missing something for me…..I needed a ‘witch Doctor’ (Yes I’m dubbed artsy) someone who would witness me scream, rant and rage….a support group of other betrayed spouse (still haven’t found one).

    I desperately looked up “Long Term Affairs” not a lot out there. I read massive amounts of material. I compose music, write poems. My daughters write music about their fathers betrayal. Because it feels like betrayal to THEM. My youngest wrote her first song at the age of 13 called of course….”Infidelity.” It would break your heart. I remember pulling over my car listening to her anguish and singing on a CD and that I was weeping inconsolably. In the past three years I’ve tried to capture everything that’s happened to us no matter what. I live for the truth (and how not- odd I married a man who evaded it)….And this journey of…. what happened to such a great love? How could we have gone so far off the rails?

    What is the “myth” of romantic monogamy?

    This betrayal started early in our marriage and I am still pulling at threads of our family history trying to make sense of the banality of “Intimate Terrorism.”

    I still wince when I see young mothers with small children as they look all at once, elated and harassed and wonder…….does your husband have an office wife at work? Like mine did. Someone “”Just for him.”

    Just the other day……
    my eldest daughter (22) who injured her left hand was talking about the finger damaged and the realization that if she didn’t have it looked at she said “Wow, they said I might not have been able to wear a wedding ring.”

    In that moment I felt like I wanted to vomit.

    (Now I’m heading back into therapy again – because I don’t want any of my three daughters to marry OR have children)

    I don’t want my children to create a false fence and jump over it when no ones looking.

    I don’t want their hearts to be broken by reckless men or poaching women.

    I have three daughters…….could they possibly become the “other women” someday? What about their friends? what is going on today about relationships and sex and gender?

    Why do our family histories keep coming in circles? If family secrets are not addressed regarding infidelity (or any secrets, money, drugs etc) you either become it or marry it?

    I’d like to open the discussions why not dare to live life boldly and authentically fight against social dishonesty, secrecy, deception and viewing sexual partners as objects….

    I would gladly help my husband “pack his bag” if he wanted to be with someone else

    I love him that much.

    Yes I’m scared for my daughters. I’m scared they will hurt and life is that……great pain (of course mixed with great joy).

    I have always been pessimistic about human behavior and this betrayal added to my dark cloud savings account. Blossoming into a full blown Misanthrope. I know I have to TRY to find hope where ever I can…..but just don’t ask me to smile about any of it.

    I still smell all the smoke
    Even as I’m rising out of these infidelty ashes

    AGAIN THANK YOU TO THIS FORUM

    I will end my rant session with this thought that give me some comfort

    “A person without conscience,
    Is a shortsighted and surprisingly naive individual who eventually expires from
    Boredom
    Ruin
    Or, a bullet

    Yes Jess I agree KARMA!

    Truly grateful for a place to land here with others……
    Thank you, Thank you…..

Trackbacks

  1. […] to show “her”! Get even! Teach her a lesson! After reading RMM’s post – http://rescuingmymarriage.com/2013/11/18/jumping-on-the-betrayed-wife-bashing-bandwagon/ and checking out the homewreckers website – http://shesahomewrecker.com – I was even […]

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