Jumping on the betrayed-wife-bashing bandwagon


I get it…when people are from different sides of an argument, it is hard to see and accept the other side’s views.  With infidelity, like any other highly emotional and charged topic, it becomes even harder.  I struggled a great deal and did a lot of work in order to be able to see and understand my husband’s affair through the eyes of his mistress.   And, although I have made the efforts to see her point of view and appreciate her struggles in the outcome of disclosure, I still nonetheless see her as a crazy, mentally-ill individual who isn’t deserving of any of my pity or time.  Seeing the other side doesn’t mean joining the other side, and abandoning your views.  It is simply about OPENING YOUR MIND TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT ANOTHER SIDE EXISTS.

As a betrayed wife I can completely understand the anger that a betrayed wife feels in the wake of an affair discovery.  I can understand the trash-talking that happens when you find out that another woman slept with your husband, was impregnated by your husband, kissed your husband, gave free blowjobs to your husband, stroked your husbands ego and all other parts that needed stroking, flirted with your husband, made plans with your husband, etc.  While this trash-talking can get a little intense and sometimes over the top, what I don’t understand is the trash-talking that comes from the other side.   Now this blog’s readership is comprised mainly of betrayed spouses who go online looking for someone who can relate. But, there are also readers who have themselves been mistresses and who un-apologetically admit to seeking out and taking pleasure in coaxing a man into the bedroom and out of a marriage.  They have their own forums, and their own blogs like this one where they ask for and receive support for the pain they go through when an affair is revealed (especially if the husband returns to the wife, leaving her and all the promises he made behind).  I get it, there are many people hurt in an affair, but that is for another post, so I digress…

Where was I?  Oh right…I understand the trash talk from betrayed wives to mistresses, after all, they engaged willingly with a man they knew were married (and for sake of argument I am not referring to those who perhaps had no idea the man they were sleeping with was married with kids, a dog and a picket fence).  What I don’t understand is the trash talk that comes in the other direction; the mistresses who trash on the wives, and blame us for their situation.  The mistresses, upset at how things didn’t go according to “plan” and then hate us for fighting for our marriage and our family.   That makes no sense to me, and yet sites abound with women who were the “OW” in a relationship and who lash out at the wife, putting her down, telling her she wasn’t enough to keep her man, capitalizing on her low self-esteem in the aftermath of the affair and taking the cheap shots when she is down.  Who does that?  Better yet, who does that when the situation was started by them, and they are the ones in the wrong?  It’s like cutting someone off in traffic and then flipping THEM the bird…

A further "Fuck you" to the betrayed wife

A further “Fuck you” to the betrayed wife

 

While “most” mistresses expect married women to become angered when the affair is discovered, strangely they don’t allow us this reaction when it does happen. It’s like we are expected to just shutup and take it.  And, when we call other women out on their behavior, we are called “bitches” and “overly emotional” and “hysterical” (the ow in my husband’s affair called me this many a time) and “overreactive”.  The irony is that if the tables were turned, they would behave in EXACTLY the same way.  But, in order to understand and appreciate that, these women would have to put themselves in our shoes, something that exhibits EMPATHY, and is something that I feel many of these women lack, which is exactly why they participate in these things in the first place.

Last night, while perusing my CNN app on my phone before bed, I came upon an article by Peggy Drexler, writing an opinion piece about Arianna’s blog “She’s a homewrecker”, where betrayed wives post lurid details and sometimes call out and name the women who were involved in affairs with their husbands.  This journalist essentially called this retaliation “bullying”, and claimed that women tearing down other women is horrid when the husbands are getting off scot-free.  I’m sorry?  My husband got off scot-free?  I don’t think so.

To say that this journalist doesn’t get it is an understatement.  Where on “She’s a homewrecker” does it say that betrayed wives have absolved their husband’s of their responsibility for the affair and opted to place sole blame on the mistress?  It doesn’t, yet this is what the author has implied.  Funny, because she says “it takes two”, so if she follows her own argument, she sees fault lying on both sides, but yet fails to see that betrayed wives, while choosing to out the mistress in public, is likely lashing out at her husband as well.  The difference is that the husbands return home, while the mistresses run deep into the woods, back into obscurity, pointing fingers at the wife, returning to the rocks from under whence they came.

Once an affair is disclosed, the mistresses scurry like rats abandoning a sinking ship.    Husbands come home to face the music.  Mistresses escape down a fire escape.  How are betrayed wives to express their anger and disappointment when one of the parties recedes into the darkness?  Yes it takes two, but the husband’s payback is something most don’t see, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen.  Wives out their husbands, embarrass them, pay them back for the shame and hurt in many ways.  The difference here is that they have ACCESS.  With mistresses, many betrayed wives don’t even get a name, let alone an address, workplace or cell number.

Peggy write:

Although sleeping with a married man is of questionable morality — and that’s, of course, assuming the woman is even aware the man’s attached — the job of staying faithful belongs to the man who took the vow. And yet on “She’s a Homewrecker,” the men get off largely scot-free.

OMG if I have to hear this argument again, I will spit.  The vow argument?   Yes, he took the vow, but when a woman knowingly sleeps with a man she knows is married, why is she off the hook?  Why is Drexler so keen on letting her be?   Has she herself been the OW in an affair.  One must wonder.   So the breaking of the marital vow falls on the husband, yes, but marriages are contractual agreements, if you will, between a man and a woman.  In business, when a third party violates or interferes with an existing contract, they are said to be committing Tortious Interference.   Tortious interference, also known as intentional interference with contractual relations, in the common law of torts, occurs when a person intentionally damages the plaintiff‘s contractual or other business relationships.  An example of tortious interference  is when “false claims and accusations are made against a business or an individual’s reputation in order to…[break a contract].  Funny, I seem to remember stories of the OW telling my husband how much I must not love him because I don’t dote on him like she would.  I also recall her mentioning, after having stalked me at my car, mentioning how pathetic women are who have my hair style and drive the kind of car that I do.  She found any angle to put me down in his eyes, trying to compete with me by trashing me to him.  Based on the example above, if this were a business, she would be guilty of tortious interference.

So why is it that business contracts are better protected against trolls than marriages are, when they are the foundation of our family lives?

Drexler also writes:

Despite this, the “homewrecker” still must pay, and does, in the form of having her name, details of her life and no fewer than six photos of herself splashed all over the site.

This is payback?  Really?  It doesn’t come close, in my opinion.  OK, so her name and reputation are compromised.  So are mine.  But is her family compromised?  Is her deepest and most intimate relationship violated?  Are the lives of her most vulnerable and cherished family members (paralleled with the children of a marriage) destroyed?  Are her foundations of trust shattered?   No.  I would EASILY take the shame of having someone post about me than what I’ve been through.  Seems like a cake-walk Peggy, and to compare the two is ridiculous.  It is the LEAST of what they deserve.   And don’t say that the husbands get off scot-free because, my dear, they don’t.  My husband has paid dearly, both emotionally at almost losing his family, financially at being sued on false charges for the purposes of extorting money and the child support he is willingly paying.   On the other hand, the OW has been successful in coaxing my husband into bed,  getting pregnant on purpose, and choosing to have the baby she wouldn’t otherwise have had, and having that child MORE THAN COMPLETELY PAID FOR.  She doesn’t pay for A SINGLE THING RELATED TO THAT CHILD because her child support check is enormous.  Sounds like she is basking in it…no?  I haven’t posted to “She’s a homewrecker” but I don’t admonish those who have.  In some cases, with mistresses running for the hills and leaving the husbands to absorb the damage, they leave the betrayed wives no other choice because they simply don’t take the honorable route: apologize, express remorse and beg for forgiveness for the damages you have caused to an innocent party.  It’s what we teach our children in grade school.   I guess these women missed that class.

I will be penning a response to Ms. Drexler on this article.  I hope you will too.

 

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Comments

  1. I call the other woman “the whore”…I don’t feel bad for this after the games she tried to play with my life and the lack of remorse she showed. I got my payback by making her lose her job, keeping my family and surviving. Have I thought about “outing” her on the homewrecker site…umm yeah, but in the end I found my revenge by blogging about my journey and watching from a distance as she grows fat and old with her ex-husband, her second choice, and hope with every part of me she is as miserable as she looks. “We” didn’t do anything wrong and get to react however we want…my husband pays a price every single day as he struggles to set right what he selfishly destroyed, “the whore” still thinks she is the victim. Love you..love your blog and what you are doing for women like me.

  2. Well, let’s be honest here – most of us did act crazy and hysterical in the days and months after D-Day, I know I did. As for the mistresses getting off scot free, I don’t think they do. I know my DH’s AP had people talking about her at work. Having been the OW myself now, I’ve had the wife chase after me, confront me, talk about me, and otherwise harrass me. My family is suffering because of it (again, my decision to do what I did, but she is creating more problems for everyone with her ongoing drama). It doesn’t bother me though, because I feel like she’s entitled to it and I deserve it. I slept with her husband. The shame of what I did is far greater than the pain I felt over being cheated on – because I chose that route. I failed morally on many levels. Once I learned my AP was married, I should have run, but it was too late by then, I was in the fog and didn’t know how to escape even though I wanted to. I think most OW/OM feel the pain of what they did very deeply, even if you can’t see it

    • Dawn, do you feel you did right by the betrayed wife in the ways you would have needed to when you were in her shoes?

      • Absolutely. I wish I had had the chance to confront her the way she did me. I wrote her an apology letter also and offered to sit down with her and answer any of her questions, if she ever desired. I have no ill will toward her. She and I were both conned by her husband, and I feel awful for it.

  3. My OW has purposefully made friends with couples and worked during that “friendship” to befriend the husband until she fells the time is right and then has an affair with them. In the meantime, she maintains a “friendship” with the wife which eventually over the years becomes abusive. Her affair with my husband was 8 years, affairs with my friends’ husbands, her brothers-in-law and yet, I know she feels no remorse and continues her behaviour. She has escaped consequences and continues to live a life of fun. She’s cruel, evil and her actions over the past 25 (more) years are continually covered up by her husband and father. It has been 3 1/2 years after D-Day, intense coaching from Anne and Brian Bercht, private counselling and I’m still not healed. Have I thought about posting her name? Oh yes. Part of me feels a responsibility to warn others like I wish I had been warned instead of other victims seeing my husband and me in relationship with her and her family, but saying nothing. There is nothing I could ever say that could come close to what she deserves.

  4. I felt sorry for “the whore” until she used that sorrow to feed my pain and anger…here’s an idea…don’t be a whore and I won’t call you one, and you won’t be treated like one. An apology letter…after you knowingly slept with her husband and had a part in destroying her family? I’m suprised she didn’t invite you over for tea and braid your hair….You were conned or you were in a fog…excuses…end of day you slept with her husband. You did it…she gets to be pissed and crazy.

  5. My husbands affair partner has not shown any remorse over what she’s done. My husband and I are struggling to rebuild some sort of marriage. Tomorrow will be 9 months since d-day. He’s paying for what he’s done. She on the other hand is carrying on in the unhappy marriage she had (what she claims drove her to do what she did) “I was in a bad place” is her excuse. But, I feel some sense of satisfaction. Her husband and I have become friends through this nightmare.. And now she is feeling threatened by me. Telling him not to have contact with me. My husband knows we are friends. I tell him what we talk about.. Which is mainly about our kids, work, etc.. Not their affair anymore… Part of me wants her to think I want to take her husband from her… Maybe she could understand what she has helped destroy in my life. Her miserable life may be all the pay back I need.

  6. that was a silly article… but i have to be honest, i think that site she writes about is silly too. of course i get it… but… it just feels like spreading their damage. id rather it all stopped with me.

    i was rather amused though… by a particularly memorable picture of an OW with the husbands load all over her face. now. if i had a picture like that… oooohhhh… could i NOT post it somewhere?

  7. In my case the OW posted on FB about the affair. That is how I found out. In the year and a half that followed she posted extremely intimate details about the affair, my life and relationship with my husband, let her friends listen to audio of them having a sexual encounter, posted his workplace and title as well as posting posters around my area with our names on it regarding the affair. She has filed a complaint with his job and is trying to have him fired. She did all of this while not even residing in this country legally.
    The “homewreckers” are not the only ones being “bullied.”

    • The ow got my husband fired six months after she quit. She played the I’m the victim card. Everyone who worked for him stood up for him and said she was crazy. She went after him. She had said if u don’t leave your wife I’ll get you fired. Well he didn’t leave and him getting fired sucked but now he has a new job had become a new man and we are in love. She knows it too. And hates me because he picked me over her and rather lose his job than be with her.

    • My ow got her revenge by getting him fired. But it was the best thing that ever happen to us. She of course tried to say it was all my husband s fault. She had two kids and a husband. She is a mother and she didn’t care about my babies. She tried to be friends with me. Told me in an email that my husband had to pay for what he did it her which was not leaving me. But not once did my husband blame her. He took full responsibility and we work everyday in rebuilding our marriage. That was my revenge the fact that I know that it kills her that we worked it out. I thank god everyday for my new life and I feel nothing for her but disgust. Karma is all I have to say karma

  8. It has been about two weeks since my husband told me about his affair and at present I am still very confused, unhappy, etc, but mostly ANGRY. Angry at my husband but at this stage more ANGRY at the OW. I was one of those woman that always wondered how the betrayed wife can blame the OW – I couldn’t understand this – it was always the husband as far as I was concerned!! But now that it has happened to me, I can truly understand. She deserves to suffer as much as I am suffering right now as far as I am concerned and I am still going over the ways in which I can get my revenge (?). I agree that my husband is not blameless in this but I deal with him in a different way (maybe this will change in time) but she knew all along that he was married and yet she has the utter cheek to tell me that she didn’t mean for it to happen, its not her fault, you dont choose who you fall in love with, etc, etc, in an email to me (apologising???). This is utter bull crap – she knew right from the beginning when she started “flirting” with him – as far as I am concerned, she put herself in that situation.
    I have managed to find out rather a lot about her, her family and her business (obsessed much??) and I would like to plaster her name and face all over the internet (and everywhere else I can think of) so that her family can know what type of woman she is – ideas are welcome!! Still thinking about this one though – I also don’t want to hurt my children who are very much into the ‘social media’ scene.
    It is also very hurtful when women criticise and judge what we (as wives) say and do but they have either never been in our shoes or totally a “better” person than I am. It is not an easy decision on whether to stay and try and make the marriage work or leave – I am having a much harder time on this decision that I ever thought possible. I love my husband and we have been together for 31 years (married 24 years).

    • You can always print cards with a really sexy picture of a pretty prostitute and put her name and her phone (her work and family number too) in it and a real cheap price so they would call and throw it around the city, leave some at bus stations and stuff like that.
      I’m not even kidding, a really close friend did that…. And it was SO FUNNY I’ll never forget!!

      • That is also very, very illegal and will land you in jail if she wants to press charges. These tactics are not just bullying, they are serious crimes.

      • How would she EVER prove it were you?? If you aare cautious nobody will know. They may suspect but can’t prove.

      • The questions that need to be asked here is “how long do you want this pain in your life?” “How long do you want to keep poking the beast?” “How much ongoing angst and torture can you tolerate?”

        For me, having thoughts like this is consuming. It eats you inside. You become obsessed with thoughts of harm and she is winning ladies. She’s planted herself from a seed in your mind, and each time you give her any energy, she grows.

        I know that for me, the OW thrived on tattle taling in order to get a rise out of us. She would make up the most asinine shit so that she could find a way to contact us via the lawyer. She was poking us, inciting us, inviting more anger and fight. We learned quickly that to ignore it is to diffuse it. She can’t gain energy from me if I dot let her. Eventually she stopped. Hopefully for good, and our lives have resumed.

        You can invest your energy into scheming to cause pain, and no one gets the desire in that more than me, but be better, not bitter – live your life happy…that’s the best revenge. I know it’s a cliche, but it’s so true. Nothing bothers our OW more than knowing that she is INSIGNIFICANT.

        Plaster flyers, destroy her, full yourself with rage and live each day in a hell hole you are making bigger for yourself. You are BETTER than she is. She knows it and so should you.

    • dotcablogger says:

      M

      It’s just a few weeks that you learned that your husband had cheated on you. So you will take time to experience anger and also low self esteem or sadness.

      You should ask whether you should stay married to your husband by questions like “Should I stay based on the time that I’ve invested in our relationship?” In your case, you’ve been married for 24 years and you had dated 7 years prior to getting married. And also ask “What problems did we resolve before this problem of him cheating?”. So did he work with you to fix an error that was causing friction between you two? Or if you two had solved problems together before, then maybe he will be empathetic right now on this problem that he had caused. And further ask, “How are we in the present?”. Obviously not too good because he had cheated on you. But compare that question with the problems that you’ve two have faced before. Will he want to stay married to you? And do you want to stay married to him? Anyway, you did not encourage or do a single wrong thing for your husband to get the idea to cheat on you. Several men cheat because men, as a gender, are more promiscuous. So when you do feel low self-esteem, try to remember that some men cheat because men, as a gender, are promiscuous. Some men, despite having such a gorgeous wife, will still have sex with other women because they are just promiscuous (Think Of Tiger Woods). Some long married men will cheat because they let themselves get encouraged or have their egos pumped up by another woman

  9. I got “the whore” in my case fired from her job…after she took us to court with a bogus restraining order, and tried to get my husband relocated at his job…she was taken by security bawling from the building…I don’t regret it at all. I have three teenage sons and yet I have made the choice to go public with the affair, choices made following ect….I write a blog using my name and story…it has been read in the town where she lives (links posted by a mutual friend) I am no longer obsessed with her and hurting her but getting to publically call her a whore on my blog…it makes me smile…I am a good person but i can’t forgive her…M, don’t let your anger consume you, but a little is a good thing it can get you past the really bad shit

    • Thanks rkabceden, It HAS certainly been consuming me in the two weeks since my husband confirmed the affair (feels like years though). I have been trying really hard not to think about it at all – but it is very difficult for me – it sort of “sneaks up on you when you least expect it”. What about contacting her ‘husband’ and telling him – I am not sure that he knows about the affair, I think she told him that they were just “friends” who had coffee now and then? I don’t want to actually hurt somebody else (except her, of course) but I also think that he has a right to know (or am I just wanting to hurt HER more by telling him)?

  10. Maybe if more other women knew they would be called out as trashy whores and “judged” they would think twice about screwing a married man.
    I have no problem at all with exposing homewreckers.

  11. Also, how would the ow press charges? Truth is an absolute defense against slander allegations.

  12. There are a lot of blogs about marital infidelity on the Internet, but this is the only one I have come across that speaks to me, says the very things I have thought. Fortunately, we don’t have an OC situation. But we are *trying* to work things out and I am trying to heal and it is encouraging to see that there ARE people who can achieve this. That is all I want.

  13. Wow, what a great entry! The OW in my situation is a manipulative, vindictive and controlling psychopath. When I think back to all the horrible, venomous and hurtful things she said to me I want to curl up in a ball and cry. She tried to steal my husband and she’s spewing crap at me? I can’t get over the nerve of this OW. I know she’s pissed because telling me about the affair didn’t have the desired outcome. He made his choice and she was NOT happy about it. This woman tormented us for 18 months. The last time I saw her she showed up at my workplace parking lot. She eyed me up and down and said “really” as if to insinuate I can’t believe he chose you over me. I didn’t give her the time of day. I didn’t say a single word to her. We haven’t had any contact since …. fingers crossed! I think because she didn’t get the desired reaction she was deflated.

    We are 21 months post D-Day. Only recently have I been giving the OW less thought. I would think about my husband’s affair every single day. It consumed me. I’m not saying that I’m healed completely or anything like that but with a lot of work we’re on the road to turning this marriage around.

    Your blog is amazing and it got me through some very dark days. Although I hate that this has happened to so many women, it gives me comfort knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with a psycho bitch who feels entitled to destroy someone she has never met.

  14. dotcablogger says:

    RRM I finally got time to read your post and reply to it. I say go ahead and write a poignant and very clear response to Peggy Drexler’s opinion on Arianna’s blog “She’s a homewrecker”.

    You have to. …Because if you say nothing, then likely Peggy’s opinion will just be accepted without challenge. Or no one will get exposed to the facts of why the mistress is called out when her identity is known.

    You’re right that many times the mistress’s name or identity is just not known. And when she is known, then of course the wife will name her and the wrongness of her choice to pursue and have sex with her husband. The mistress was never coerced or forced. Rape never happened. She was willing and looking.

    So, anyway, also write that the husbands often do get repercussions from their wives. The wives don’t write about it because when they have the mistress’s name, they are taking the time to name her and the abhorrence and ugliness of her choice, and that she had needed to have empathy to not encourage a married man to cheat on his wife. This empathy would simply have been not to have encouraged cheating because you don’t want to be cheated on.

  15. dotcablogger says:

    RRM I finally got time to read your post and reply to it. I say go ahead and write a poignant and very clear response to Peggy Drexler’s opinion on Arianna’s blog “She’s a homewrecker”.

    You have to. …Because if you say nothing, then likely Peggy’s opinion will just be accepted without challenge. Or no one will get exposed to the facts of why the mistress is called out when her identity is known.

    You’re right that many times the mistress’s name or identity is just not known. And when she is known, then of course the wife will name her and the wrongness of her choice to pursue and have sex with her husband. The mistress was never coerced or forced. Rape never happened. She was willing and looking.

    So, anyway, also write that the husbands often do get repercussions from their wives. The wives don’t write about it because when they have the mistress’s name, they are taking the time to name her and the abhorrence and ugliness of her choice, and that she had needed to have empathy to not encourage a married man to cheat on his wife. This empathy would simply have been not to have encouraged cheating because you don’t want to be cheated on.

  16. Can some one help me? I am left with a one month old baby when i found out my husband is having an affair with many china women half of his age.

  17. You seem determined to cast villains here, whenrhe truth is that it is often a far more complicated and nuanced sutuation than the one you depicting. I was the Other Woman, but my married lover was the Other Man. Each of us is married with children, so who is the villain now? People make conscious choices, people get hurt, and in the end no one wins. The whole situation sucks, including the curcumstances that led up to the affair and most especially the devastating aftermath. There are no winners, only survivors.

    • Anyone who gets involved with someone else when they are married already is the villain. Anyone who willingly gets involved with a married person knowing full well they are married is also a villain. A person who both betrays a partner and contributes simultaneously as a home wrecker is really just doing double duty as a villain.

      You are right, there are no winners. But the only innocent victim in all of this is the betrayed wife and the children, neither of whom contributed to any of it, yet have to live with the aftermath of dealing with the selfish choices others made at her expense.

      • Only the children are innocent. We are all villains when we cause pain to our partners, and pain can be caused in a variety of ways. An affair is just one way in which fractures in a marriage can manifest themselves, but there is also emotional abuse, verbal abuse, etc. All of these are selfish, hurtful choices. I am not supposing what happens in anyone’s marriage prior to the start of an affair, but what I am saying is that marriages are *never* perfect prior to affairs, and the marriage needs to be re-visited and re-examined. It’s not as black-and-white as thinking, “Things were great! You’re evil for having cheated!” An affair is a mistaken attempt to address marital issues outside the marriage. But don’t create these cartoon images of human beings. There are human issues that lead up to this, and human problems that result from it. But it’s not Super Wife vs Evil Husband and Psychotic Temptress.

      • Kindly tell me what role I played in my husbands affair. Was I asked to play a role? Did I support the idea? Was I consulted? No. I am completely innocent in the affair. I wasn’t ever asked nor did I play a role.

        What you are talking about are “marital issues” not affair issues. Was our marriage perfect? Nope. Did we both make mistakes? Absolutely. The key difference here is that my husband chose to have an affair…a choice I didn’t make. Affairs happen in good marriages, and bad marriages don’t necessarily have affairs. So one is not a precursor to the other.

        My husband chose a maladaptive response to a situation in his life that was bringing him great stress. His father was held overseas, new job, new business, stress…and we had a new baby. But the choice to have an affair was his and his mistress’ – not mine.

        You are right that no one is perfect in a marriage, but I had nothing to do with my husbands affair. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t condone it. My children and I are the innocent victims in his decision to have had an affair. Your refusal to grant me any compassion and instead try to deny me any claim to being a victim in this is very telling and is to be expected from someone who herself has been embroiled. I think you will always prefer to see betrayed wives as blameworthy for your own self preservation and to justify behaviors that you know are dispicable.

        I don’t need you to grant me permission to consider myself a victim in this. Every therapist who works with affair recovery will tell you the same thing. My husband also considers me an innocent victim of his choice. I don’t need the same from you.

      • I realize there are real people here and not cartoon characters. This is very real indeed. I pay my husbands cartoon character $4k per month out of our family pot, so it doesn’t get more real than that.

      • Frankly, it is between you, your husband, and your therapist to determine what issues were in your marriage prior to the affair. But the fact is that there were issues, and your husband owns his poor choice to act on these issues via an affair versus alcoholism versus shopaholic spending that wracks up credit card debt versus any of a number of other equally unhealthy but very human choices. There is a famous quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: “There are no victims, only volunteers.” You suffered a traumatic incident inflicted on you by a human being who you trusted. It was a violation of your trust. No one is disputing that. What I am pointing out is that these caricatures do not help any one to understand the human condition. Human make choices, some of which we categorize as egregious mistakes. We call these screw-ups, and other unsavory things. But people who make mistakes are human. If you choose to view yourself as a victim, that is your prerogative. I’m guessing that beneath your rage is just a very hurt person who is stronger than that, bigger than that, and has a much more powerful story still to tell. I’d like to read about that story, quite frankly. Enough about what someone else did or still doing to hurt you. Own all parts of your story: not just what happened yesterday or what i s even happening today, but what you want to happen tomorrow.

      • I’m not sure how much of the blog you’ve read but I am fully healed from my husbands affair. No now act as an affair recovery coach for others as I have a therapy background. This post isn’t an expression of a current hurt. That has long since been dealt with. Rather, it’s a reflection on this journalist’s comments about how women who have affairs with husbands are being “bullied” by betrayed wives when they are outed. It’s as if she feels that a betrayed wife should just suck it up and a woman who tries to steal her husband isn’t deserving of any backlash. I think that’s despicable and only serves to propagate this “blame the wife” mentality which is really just scapegoating at its finest.

      • Oh and I should add that I don’t view myself as a victim. I am a victor.

        Was I victimized by his choice? Yes. Was I an innocent player who has to deal with the fallout of his choice. Yes, I am. No one can dispute that. Am I a victim today? Nope.

        There can be as many issues in a marriage as you can imagine. That doesn’t ever justify an affair. Ever. It was a horribly selfish choice which impacted the life of a wife and children who didn’t deserve it. No one ever does. Marital issues and affair issues are separate issues. We didn’t have serious marital issues at all. The precursors to my husbands affair had to do with abandonment by his father, stress of a new job and title, stress of a new business and new baby. He needed as escape. He found one. It wasn’t to get away from me or our family. Our lack or marital problems was the main reason this came as such a shock as I too thought that affairs only happen in bad marriages. He just didn’t feel he could talk about his feelings openly and felt ashamed of not being able to handle the stress and with a new baby, I wasn’t picking up on his cues, as I was focused on the baby.

    • I really don’t need to be casting anyone as villains…those who played the role cast themselves there of their own choosing. My husband’s OW targeted my husband knowing he was married. Reading her emails, she is pulling every woman trick there is…including the “chameleon”…you know the one: I am anything you want to be. I love all things you love, agree with everything you do, and enjoy all of the same stuff”….”oh and by the way, your wife sucks, I feel sorry for you, I could do you so much better…” I can tell you one thing I know for certain: the villain isn’t me.

      • Amen to every single thing you’ve said here, RMM. Excellent post & comments from you.

      • Your situation certainly sounds like it contains broader strokes than mine, no doubt. And it sounds like salt in the wound of infidelity. That hasn’t been the case in my situation. He never bad-talked his wife, and I have never bad-talked her. And vice-versa re: my husband. I think in my case, my lover and I were two people in a lot of pain who made an ill-begotten but pre-meditated choice to ameliorate that pain with each other. There were no promises of forever. We ended due to his major depressive episode which put him back on meds, which was apparently triggered by us getting to close and realizing this wasn’t a game; it’s very real, and realizing that it thus posed a threat to each of our marriages. The truth is that the affair by definition was the threat, not whether the physical affair became emotional. And that the depression pre-dated the affair. But my point is that there are real people behind all of this, not cartoon characters.

      • I have a client who I broke down too when I found out about the affair. She took her time getting back to me but she told me something I will never forget she said Jess I hate to say this but your husband was an idiot and he was raped emotionally and physically by the ow. It took me a long time to figure out what that meant. After reading this blog and after reading the blog post by the husband about how the ow was I agree with my client. Was my husbamd wrong yes. Was he unfaithful yes. But the ow used every trick up her sleeve and I fully think she in her own way raped him but I was the victor. I am happy is she nope.

Trackbacks

  1. […] to show “her”! Get even! Teach her a lesson! After reading RMM’s post – http://rescuingmymarriage.com/2013/11/18/jumping-on-the-betrayed-wife-bashing-bandwagon/ and checking out the homewreckers website – http://shesahomewrecker.com – I was even […]

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