Getting it off my chest


I started this blog as a means of reaching out to other betrayed spouses, in the midst of my own pain and healing journey.  I’ve always found that helping others is a great way to also help yourself.

As my story was unfolding, bit by bit, I would blog in order to obtain support, but also to show others going through the same thing that they weren’t alone.  As I reached a place of healing, I didn’t want to simply stop blogging, because I realized that blogging wasn’t simply about *ME* getting support, but also the giving of support to others.  I can’t tell you how many emails I receive, or comments left here on the blog from random strangers, telling me how helpful this blog has been to them.  I can’t tell you how much those comments mean to me, even today, after my marriage has healed.

The focus of the blog has shifted in recent years towards more of a place of healing and support for others.  I hope that it is that for you, if you have been betrayed.

I am also aware that this blog is also a place for OW’s and OM’s to get a glimpse into the mind of the betrayed spouse, and I suppose I should be grateful that they are interested enough in our experience to be looking up and reading a blog like this one, but my experience has shown me that usually, they are interested only in seeing the pain and devastation, in the rubbernecking into the misery of others in order to feel better about their own lives.   While not as numerous as the comments of support, I do from time to time, receive comments that attempt to belittle me, to belittle or invalidate my choices, to make me second-guess the happiness I have worked so hard to reclaim.  I can tell you without one shred of a doubt that these comments come from:

1. OW’s

2. Children born out of an affair

3. Those who have never been betrayed and who stand in their glass  houses throwing stones, having absolutely no clue about what they are contributing commentary on.

The reason I say the above is because no person who has ever experienced the devastation of a betrayal like this would ever dream of making un-supportive comments towards a betrayed spouse.  It would be like plunging a knife deeper into your own chest, because you fee her pain as she does.  You’ve walked in those shoes, and you know how they feel.  No one who has been through this would dream of inflicting further trauma.

 

OW’s: OW’s by the very nature of their actions have shown that they don’t care about the betrayed wife, and are in it for themselves, at whatever cost. It is the ultimate in selfishness, and then in later cowardly comments like “I didn’t owe the wife anything” (Read: I don’t have to atone for my poor choices to sleep with a man I knew had a family, and I can get off scot-free if I just point out that we didn’t have the contract).   That is so simplistic and a cheap way out.  In what other scenario can a person contribute to a wrong-doing, having had full knowledge that it was wrong, and when caught not have to bear any responsibility?   There isn’t one.

Children born of an affair:  These responders I understand completely.  Their anger is understandable, yet I don’t think it is constructive for them to take their anger out on me simply because my husband’s affair bore a child also.  Those who do comment who are children of affairs are likely carrying a great burden of anger and feelings of being unwanted, unplanned, not having a “real family”.   These aren’t even children from broken homes, they are children from a home that never existed, a family that never was.  Some hold anger because their fathers denied paternity for them.  Some are angry because their father’s never contributed to their upbringing, and they watched their single mother struggle to raise them without his contribution.   Others are angry because they’ve never met their father, and perhaps has chosen his children from his legitimate union over them, adding to their feelings of being unwanted, unloved, not-counting, and “not real”.   I feel a great deal of empathy for these children because affairs are never the choice of the child whose life is the result of the acts of two selfish others who were transiently involved.  They are also not the choice of the betrayed wife, so truly the OC and the betrayed spouse are the only true victims here.

People who have never experienced infidelity:  We all have opinions about many things in this world, some of which we have yet to actually experience, so our views are limited and possibly also incorrect.    This is the case for the readers who come to this blog and comment about how “if it were me, I would have ______”, and “I can’t believe you are so weak that you ________. If it were me, I would have ________”.   Look, every betrayed wife will tell you the SAME THING, and I know because I’ve spoken with and counseled many of them and that is that until they went through this, they thought they knew exactly what they would have done, and yet when the shit hit the fan, they reacted in a way they never would have expected.  I am a great example.  I blogged a long time ago about a friend who confessed her affair to me 6 months before my husband confessed his.  Speaking frankly with my husband about the situation, I told him if that ever happened to us, he could pack up and leave.  That didn’t play out that way because although you THINK you know what you would do, and how you would feel, you really don’t have a clue.  There is nothing in life that can prepare you enough emotionally for the devastation of an affair that you could accurately use your past life experiences to inform your choices post-disclosure.  You just won’t know until you get there.   So, while I understand the non-valid comments that some of these people make, I also like to encourage them to do a little reading into affairs before they post malicious comments on a blog of someone who has fallen, lived to tell the story, and gotten back up.  Mine is a success story, and it belongs to me.  What you think of it doesn’t matter.  Whether you agree with my choices doesn’t matter.  I live with my victory every day.  If you are on this blog, chances are you have an interest in infidelity or affairs or whether a relationship can survive one.  With that in mind, do some reading, do a lot of listening, and perhaps less judging, and see what you can actually learn from those who have been there, instead of what you suppose it might be like.

This past weekend, I was notified of three separate comments from the same reader within an hour.  She was obviously reading through the blog, and choosing to spew negative comments about my situation wherever she could.  At first, my response was very reactive.  I felt attacked.  I felt my story, the work I’d done, the pain I’d endured, that my husband had endured were being invalidated, and I desperately wanted to reply reactively.  But I was not in a place where I could quietly sit and ponder a reply, and so I sat on it while I went away with the family.   I discovered a few things: If you sit on things, they do get smaller.  A few days later, I didn’t have the same need to “put her in her place with her poorly informed comments”, and so I decided simply not to reply at all.  After all, the affair recovery for ME took a lot of time and energy.  I am always willing to give more to help others who are struggling with the same thing, but I refuse to spend my energy on readers’ comments which are clearly uninformed, cruel and show a sincere lack of support.  It isn’t my job to educate you on affairs, why they happen, and what the right and wrong outcomes are.   After all, the comments show already a closed-minded individual, and I am simply not prepared to forcibly pry it open in order to “reach you”.

That being said, I also discovered something interesting.  I am much less bothered by the comments that attack me than I am at the ones that attack my husband.  Those ones really get me going.  Let’s face it, there isn’t any substance in attacking a betrayed wife.  After all, I didn’t have the affair, and I didn’t make the choices.  I am simply being involved in the clean-up.   So those roll off my back pretty easily.  The ones that attack my husband…those are harder to take.

Let me be very clear.  I am not a weak, sad, pathetic, little wife who has ALLOWED her husband to walk all over her, who has ALLOWED herself to be taken advantage of, and who accepts her husband back into her life because she doesn’t think she deserves any better.   I am not a broken woman with low self esteem. I know full well that what happened had NOTHING to do with me, so my self worth isn’t suffering. I also know that if I were single, I would have no trouble reconnecting. I’m not with my husband out of desperation. I’m with him out of a genuine love for him, an understanding of his weaknesses and his immense lack of judgment, but moreso because he proves to me every day that he is deserving of the trust I have put back into him and I know he is worth the risk that once felt like. It doesn’t feel risky anymore, it feels secure. We worked hard for that. I worked hard for that. Those who claim he was let off the hook or got away with it, or that he wasn’t given the same heat and hatred given to the OW is simply incorrect. My husband and I went through a lot. Therapy, marriage retreats, suicidal ideation, immense sadness, complete marital breakdown…and we did it together and came out the other side. What you see as more anger towards her than him is simply the result of him having “made right what he did wrong” while she continues to do wrong. So yes….he has risen above her in my eyes, but they were at one time the same two scumbags who deserved to be together in hell. He’s just made all efforts to heal, while she continues to destroy. Therein lies the difference and what you see as being “let of the hook” is simply a man who has re-earned my respect. The OW you see as “bearing all the heat”, is simply a woman who hasn’t borne any responsibility.

I suggest readers go and read the in uninsightful replies both on this entry and others. It certainly helps me understand the kind of trolls that get wrapped up in garbage like this. These scumbag mistresses and bottom feeders all think the same way. Justify the behavior…see themselves as faultless…blame and hate the wife. Grow up people, and pick up some empathy on your way up. Instead of putting your energy into hating someone who has turned a trauma into a victory, go direct your energies to something positive. Hug a puppy.

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Comments

  1. Amen!!

  2. I haven’t read all of your blog but what I have read I like. We all have similar stories. It is comforting to hear how others handle this kind of betrayal. We all have a lot to learn from each other.

    What I don’t get is those, especially the OW, who read these blogs only to act and talk like haters. I would love to read posts by the OW because it confirms my belief that the are pretty much psychopathic/sociopathic and dangerous individuals. I’ve been lucky that once my H got rid and instituted the No Contact rule, the OW in our life has pretty much stayed away. She sent one email to which I responded pretty viscerally that her reign of terror was over. That she should not contact anyone in my family or there would be legal consequences. Pretty sure I humiliated and scared the crap out of her. I’ve heard she’s afraid of me, teehee, I like that idea. She lost a lot in the break up and not just her relationship with my husband. I’m glad I scared her. Those that know her said this is the only thing she understands. She’s really quite a pathetic, sad, ignorant and useless individual. I almost feel sorry for her. Haha who am I kidding? No I don’t feel sorry for her. She lost her job, her car, her unemployment, her sugar daddy, her self respect and now her health. She has terminal cancer. Karma is such a bitch!

    My H and I have worked very hard for the last three years and our friendship and marriage has never been stronger or better. He had a taste of what life would have been like with out me and he didn’t like it. He and I show our appreciation and gratitude to each other every day. We go on dates, we have endless conversations, we travel almost once a month. Don’t even get me started on how great our sex life is!!! He is wonderful to me, treating me just the way i want and deserve to be treated.

    So OW if you’re reading this for some perverse reason to think or see my misery, I say, SUCK IT!!! You’ve come to the wrong blog.

    Congrats on your blog and doing things and writing your way.

  3. You are so right. My husband has worked so hard and has earned my trust again. He has endured everything I’ve thrown at him with grace and humility. The OW in our case has been doing this over and over again for almost 30 years and her father and husband cover it up and in their sickness even help her get and maintain new affairs. No one but us betrayed have any idea what it’s really like.

  4. One group you forgot who had large losses while their DAD is committing adultery and planning a family with the OW all the while posing as faithful to his wife and loving his family are the children of the man who cheats. Humanism and social engineers cry out for the children who are the result of adultery but there is no voice about the families in total losses of the husband and father’s genuine presence and influencial impact upon the next generation of his primary family of the marriage who grow up with a false father, in how they experience and view appropriate fulfilling of the vows of marriage and what it is to be a genuine father.

    They must somehow learn how to deal with how it has been to be decieved deliberately all their lives by the man who was kind, charming, fun and funny all the while lying to them skillfully and stealing from their time and lives to give what belonged to them to the OW and then to the other children~How to they learn to trust their evaluations of trustworthiness? Their own father , so good at being “good” while truely being evil ….a real dileema but not without the means to learn and go one through their ongoing faith.

    Thankful my kids were homeschooled and raise in the faith of Jesus Christ albeit going against the grain of popular culture and even that of many post modern church culture. YET even seven years after their being told by their father of his shameful life and then his abandonment of their needs to be a ‘fair weather father” for the other children …which is more for his own self gratification and need to not feel like a ‘dead beat dad” than any real thought about BEing what those children need . My children are well adjusted but the pain is deep. My son who is a lot more mature than his own father and of an age where he is hard working and a new husband broke down in sobs in front of his inlaws and a group celebrating his nuptuals with his new bride…..not just a few tears but down right sobbing .

    This great big , good hearted, man of integrity [my young adult son] had enough empathy for me and sorrow for the depth of sin his father is in as he abandoned our family for what he was unable to determine himself but ‘could not stay after a rather weak try to work through this ….’ My son and his worthy bride are to be admired for taking on the challenge of healing . I appreciated my son’s expression of sorrow for what his father has done to ME as he spoke softly the apology to me …more than his father’s ‘apology’ in any way has done.

    So …adult children who have born the loss of their father’s focus and have witnessed the way their mother had to live day to day without affection or regard because of dad being ‘busy at work’ then finding out their father’s absence from their lives was not just another woman but other chilren he had with her…..a deep wound no one speaks of …do they?

    May his new life and his knowledge of what to avoid and how to avoid deception help him and his bride heal and deal with all the ways this sort of sin has tried to destroy a next generation…Jesus STILL is victorious and so are they who trust in Him….yet the consequences are a reality to deal with ….the OW has little of this knowledge …nor has she cared ….and probably won’t ….her daughter is of an age where she is starting to demonstrate the same manipulative and using methods of her mother and my husband ….

    My husband is not with her …not does he want to be and her nonchalance about all the things she has done shows no more concern about him …or even her own children than one would expect of such a person who made all of these choices with full knowledge of our lives and losses.

    Sociopath? soon to be a social worker? …..It is the horror of our new society …..Inmates in charge of the asylm…

    Your blog is awesome….You tell it very well and with dignity…thank you

    • My children suffered a great deal as a result of my husband’s affair as well. My daughter will still tearfully recall what it felt like to “go from daddy’s girl, to feeling like I had no father at all”. It has left deep scars in his relationship with her, as well as our other older child. Even our younger two have felt the emotional impact of his disengagement during the affair, and my resultant suffering. But I was their rock. The one they could depend on to be there for them. Now, I am the one our daughter calls from college and confides in. It hurts him deeply to miss out on this role, but trust is rebuilt slowly and he squandered her last years at home dealing with this foolishness. It grieves me that there may not be the time to fully repair what he did to her. They view him differently.

  5. Victoriously Moving Forward says:

    RMM said =====>

    “The reason I say the above is because no person who has ever experienced the devastation of a betrayal like this would ever dream of making un-supportive comments towards a betrayed spouse. It would be like plunging a knife deeper into your own chest, because you fee her pain as she does. You’ve walked in those shoes, and you know how they feel. No one who has been through this would dream of inflicting further trauma.”

    RMM, I will have to respectfully refute that position of yours through evidence of personal experience – betrayed spouses can and DO hurt other betrayed spouses. It’s called “Sour Grapes Syndrome” and “Misery Loves Company.” I have experienced mean and vicious behavior towards me both in a BAN meeting and in online support groups – the common thread amongst those that have done this to me: they are stuck in their pain, bitterness has set in, and they hate to see someone healed or happy when they cannot bring themselves to be.

    Pain that is not transformed will be transmitted. Hurting people hurt people, and people tear others down to build themselves up. We had a guy in the BAN group that I had to permanently remove because he couldn’t stand the fact that I had a remorseful spouse crawling through broken glass (so to speak) to do whatever it took to be a man of honor again and that we had reconciled in a way we had chosen and were happy. His wife had not given up the OM, and they were divorcing. He wasn’t satisfied until he had me in tears one meeting from him mocking my new relationship with my hubby and that I would never be happy long term with my husband and our marriage would never last.

    That was a travesty to endure face to face, and not expected in a support group where it is supposed to be a safe place to share your story. It is rare. Online however, you are dealing with a different animal.

    It is easy for people to be mean via keystrokes to someone they will never meet. This layer of anonymous protection we have using communication via technology has made us a disconnected society the more we are “connected” to each other that way. It isn’t limited to you or betrayed spouses getting picked on. It’s all over. I recently read in a post by the author of decorating blog I follow – something you would think would be immune – how she receives mean comments about her pictures on her blog or how she decorates her home. NO one is immune from comment snipers. One has to have thick skin to share their story or life publicly via a book, blog, movie, or article. It is also hard to interpret the inflection and tone in a written piece. Some people may mistake sharing our successful experiences as gloating rather than sincere hope for healing. This is the biggest reason I love my BAN group. You cannot share and get the safe, intimate support online to a level you do in a face to face support group like BAN. And I am an introvert – you would think it would be the other way around.

    I find in just the unscientific sampling of those I have encountered via my group and online over the past five years that the majority of people seeking support do not have remorseful cheating spouses and they are remaining in unhealed marriages. OR the CS has left them for the AP. OR they themselves cannot forgive and feel once a cheater, always a cheater and want to divorce – but to justify that stance that they are doing the right thing – they have to prove you wrong for staying so they can sleep at night. When you look at it in a clinical sense like that, you can de-personalize the attacks against you.

    I can bet it gives the negative commenters pleasure to know you give their comments any attention whatsoever and have put you on the defense in this post you created about them. Some people love negative attention, and so consider just ignoring them completely rather then gifting them as the antagonist in your story here, right? Don’t feed their egos.

    So again, while your other assumptions as to whom those commenters would be are likely true, please be open to the idea that we, as betrayed spouses, can and do sometimes ‘eat our own kind.’ While I haven’t read the exact comments you refer to, don’t count out that the negativity you are receiving isn’t occasionally from a bitter betrayed spouse as well that can’t stand that you went through hell and came out better on the other side with your hubby. And finally, consider that famous “Do It Anyway” poem connected to Mother Teresa that she allegedly kept on a wall in her home:

    People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
    If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
    If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
    What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
    If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
    The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
    Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
    In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

    So, with that….WRITE ON !!!

  6. RMM, another great post. Very insightful as usual. In the early days of my journey, I read some of the OW woman blogs. I thought it might give me perspective into the other side’s opinion. What I really found was a lot of self-serving fairy tales. Women bemoaning the very situations they CHOSE. Cue the screaming goats.

    I am thankful for the support I have received from women like you. It’s a tired phrase, but it’s true that many have come along side of me in my darkest days, validated my feelings, and gently nudged me back on track. Don’t let the haters impact the voice and calling you have here. I think these people attack the very blogs that are doing the most good. Obviously. They hate to hear about betrayed spouses coming through in the end. Marriages restored, relationships rebuilt into something even stronger. If they can’t win, they want nobody to win.

  7. you have issues says:

    You tell yourself what you need to to feel better, RMM. Truth of the matter is you find it easier to place the blame on your husband’s mistress than admitting that your husband may love you but not enough not to cheat on you. You claim that he has weaknesses blah blah blah. Guess what? A lot of people have weaknesses but they don’t deal with them by going out and fucking other women. Who would you blame if the mistress didn’t know he was married? My guess is you would still find a way to make it ALL her fault. She is always on your mind, but you’re not on hers. That is why you’re so angry and bitter. Good luck to you and your marriage but at every turn you will always be reminded of your husband’s affair.

    • That’s the most uninformed reply
      I’ve read to date. Someone needs to educate themselves on affairs and why they happen and the psychology behind what goes on in a cheating spouse. It has nothing to do with lack of love, but you know nothing about it so instead you spew uneducated comments on a blog where you don’t have to face anyone. How big of you now. Go read the post again. Nowhere do I blame her only. They are BOTH equally responsible. The reason I worked through my anger with him first was because he made efforts and steps to fix what he had done. She hadn’t. Therefore my anger for him was healing while my anger for her was perpetuated by her childishness which I came to realize would never resolve. I can’t change her personality or morals. So I chose to forgive her and see her faults as unchangeable truths.

      Thanks, I will go on and believe what I need to because it’s the truth, it’s evidence based in the literature around affairs and it is backed up by an industry ( marital therapy and healing for affair survivors) that knows more about affairs and the whys and how’s than apparently you do. So pardon me if I don’t take any of what you just wrote at all seriously and move ahead with my life.

    • Me thinks some she-beast-reprobate has tried to poison the well. Her resentment reminds me so much of the malignant narcissist we have to endure. “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that the OTHER PERSON dies”.

      • Love has nothing to do with it. The fact of the matter is he needed me more than he ever needed or wanted the OW. Given who she was and what she did he pretty much had a grudge against himself while being with her. That’s the whole thing, if he wanted to be with her so bad he would have. No money, family, friend or whatever excuse the OW tells herself why they aren’t together just isn’t valid or true.

        These are sad little people trying to find answers to their own pathetic dysfunctional little lives stalking these blogs. Have fun reding them because I know it just adds the the hurt and resentment in your own soul.

  8. You say that you have healed yet you run a mistress-bashing blog. Hmmm. What is evident from your posts that I have read is that is that the reason you have ‘coped’ with your husband’s affair is that you have found my scapegoats; primarily the mistress. The way you keep insisting that your husband’s mistress plotted and seeked your husband makes it seem like he is not a grown man, like he has no self-control what so ever. But he does. You keep denying that fact because you don’t like the truth that is staring you right in the face. Your husband has a child that he does not see and support and you think that he is good daddy material. Please, you are you kidding? Yourself mainly. This is never going to go away. It will come back to haunt you in the form a girl who wants to know why her father was never there for her. Regardless of the situation in which she was conceived he should have taken responsibility for his actions and put aside his dislike for her mother and been there for her.

    • Same reply as to previous poster because you are one in the same. Further comments to you won’t be made. I don’t waste my time. Life is too short. Go be happy somewhere.

      • can't handle the truth says:

        I am not an OW. Far from it actually. I just call it how i see it. Answer my question. Who would you be mad at if she didn’t know about the affair? The truth of the matter is all you women are so frustrated and still angry with your husbands but you can’t take out your anger on him because you are working through things so you have to place it elsewhere. If it wasn’t her, it would sure as hell be someone else. She doesn’t have a magic vagina that he can’t say no to. He made a conscious decision not to say no. He disrespected you and your family. You’re right i am not educated in the men that you’re talking about. I am educated in REAL MEN. The ones who honour their marriages and family no matter how tough times get. You’ve probably convinced yourself that those kinds of men don’t exist so you don’t have to face the truth about your lying, cheating, unfaithful dog of a husband. But honourable men do exist, you’re just mad that you don’t have one. Stay mad. That bitterness and resentment is only going to prolong your pain.

      • Sorry I thought your question was rhetorical given your holier than thou attitude and condescending manner. I never thought for a moment that you were actually interested in seeking out information – it sounded like you had all the answers already ;)

        “Who would I be mad at if she didn’t know about the affair?”. I assume you mean “Who would I be mad at if she didn’t know he was married?”

        I’m not really sure how answering a hypothetical question helps you…after all, that question doesn’t relate at all to my experience. While I am at it, I can also answer what I would have done if his lover had been another man, what I would have done if the woman had never gotten pregnant and what I would have done if….lots of things to answer about things not pertaining to the situation.

        To answer your hypothetical situation: I would be angry at him, and him alone. After all, he would have had no equal contributor, no partner in crime. She would be innocent in the matter, simply seeking a relationship, and not knowing that he was involved. Sadly this happens to women more than it should, and it is a devastating situation also. Two innocent women, taken for a ride.

        It’s a moot point, though, because the OW in my case knew he was married. Asked him to leave me and his children, and created ultimatums for him to leave us.

        People often make the mistaken assumption that I ONLY hold my husband accountable, and that was why I CORRECTED THAT on the blog post. The irony is that on that very blog post, I am getting comments eluding to the belief that I blame ONLY my husband. Didn’t my post say the complete opposite?

        I don’t hold HER responsible for the affair. That would be ridiculous, don’t you think? Instead, I hold them BOTH responsible. What I wrote, however, was that after the trauma and disclosure, the only one of them to step up and do the right thing, or make any reparations was him. Sure, one could say “she doesn’t OWE you anything”, and many pro-OW commenters say just that, but I would disagree. I would say that she owes me an apology. I never got one. I never will. Instead, I was stalked, I was called by the police for false charges, and I’ve had to endure her ongoing childish antics for years, antics which are unlikely to ever cease on account of her immaturity and raging mental instability. So, given her lack of remorse, and her ongoing terrorizing of me and my family, while my husband has done all of the right things to help me heal….why shouldn’t he been seen in a better light in my eyes? He’s deserved it, after all.

        So, you are a #3 type commenter, not an OW, not a child of an OW, but someone who takes an interest in reading the survivial stories of people who have overcome tremendous obstacles and come out the other side so that you can negate their experience, invalidate the work that they and their partner have done to get to where they are, and say hurtful things to them. I hope you don’t troll the blogs of sexual abuse survivors and tell them that they are sad and pathetic, or victims of violence who have overcome and tell them that they aren’t really healed in your eyes (because you can somehow magically ascertain the degree to which someone has healed online due to your vast experience – and you say you have none – in this area?

        Why are you visiting this blog anyway? If this doesn’t impact your life, and you aren’t an OW seeking insight into the other side, why are you here? You enjoy finding stories of survivors and victors and pushing them down after they’ve just spelled out how they’ve risen? That’s kind of cruel, no?

        I am not sure where you read me as sad or bitter, because I am neither actually. Our marriage has never been better. This affair, no matter how devastating was a wake-up call that we both needed to do the work to come to this place where we are. We just both wish we’d learned the lessons without all the pain, but doesn’t everyone who has endured hardship feel the same?

        I think REAL MEN exist. I was married to one. 70% of men will cheat in the course of a long term relationship. Statistics also say that this number is lower than what is likely accurate because not all men will get caught, so many will cheat without anyone ever finding out. So all men are capable. My biggest fault in my marriage prior to his affair was the false security and belief that “He would never do that to me, he is a good man”. People make mistakes. People find themselves in very dark places and surprise themselves and those around them with what they are capable of. I hope you remain in the 30% who never experience this. If statistics bear out for you, however, and you one day find yourself on this side of the fence, I hope you will re-read your comments above with clearer insights.

        I’m free of the pain but maybe you haven’t read the blog. My husband’s affair no longer causes me pain. We can discuss it openly without emotion. That took a lot of time and a lot of work to get there. I am no longer stuck, and we have moved forward. I now help others to do the same. So don’t consider me sad, bitter, or angry, because I am neither. I am strong, proud and loved.

    • Way to go, by the way, creating a wordpress profile just to comment on this blog. With a handle “you have issues” something tells me you aren’t around to offer support to this blog or any other. And the other handle “denial”. Same gig. Nice. So transparent indeed.

      • RMM

        so the above poster prolly a OW, says she doesn’t think of you??? Really then why is she stalking blogs like this? There’s plenty of skank blogs that will give her the ata girls she so desperately craves.

        It really is sad but not surprising. This is how they act. It’s such a part of their pathetic personalities that they just can’t help themselves. They are adept at deception and hiding behind fake names and multiple phones. Imagine the incredible amount of jealousy they harbor because well, they are LOSERS and they know it. They try to bring everyone down to their cockroach behavior.

        Your answer was perfection. Of course she doesn’t read, maybe Cosmo, she has no idea about the real world of commitment and deep love and respect and bonding in a marital relationships. She also doesn’t know about men, particularly those who cheat. Does she really believe all the crap he told her? Does she really believe he is the type of person that would only lie to his wife and not her? She believes she’s different? She’s no different than a common whore and that is why most smart husbands dump them once they are through using them. And they do only use them and most times even pay for it.

        I like it when the OW post on these blogs because it confirms my deep understanding of who these low life’s really are and how sad and pathetic their meaningless their little existence are for them and everyone else in this world.

      • I’m quite certain the OW in my case thinks of me often.

        She wakes up every day with a child whose face belongs to the man who is, at that same moment, waking up to my face. She opted for a single parent lifestyle, knowing how hard it will be. When her daughter yells and screams and she wishes she had a partner to share the load, she thinks of him, and invariably of me as well. After all, in her warped mind, I am the reason her daughter doesn’t have a father. She won’t think of the fact that her decision to seek out an unavailable man and to not use birth control might result in an unwanted pregnancy that he was very vocal that he would not support? It will always be my fault. When she sees a happy family walking with a child between them, she will wonder what that’s like, and tell herself that the only reason she doesn’t have that is because of me. When she fills out paperwork and forms, and has to input the name of the father, or her marital status, and feels at all uncomfortable, she will think of me and how I am the reason her form is one-sided. When she has to sign up for parent-teacher interviews at a new school, and she shows up and they ask if “her father is coming”, she will have to gently tell them that he won’t be, and she will think of me, and she will see me as the reason he isn’t involved. When her daughter starts to socially notice that other kids seem to have dads, and then asks why she doesn’t, the pain of that conversation and the disclosure to her child that her situation is different will cause her to think of why she is in this situation, the affair, my husband, and me…and she will blame me for the reason he isn’t around.

        So yes, she does and will think of me often, because any time there is a void, and there WILL be voids with him absent, she will think of me. On the other hand, my life is now full again. I’ve reclaimed my marriage, and my life. I don’t have to think of her at all, unless I want to. I reference her when I tell my story, and I reference her when I coach at healing retreats. I think of her when I watch movies that have infidelity. The difference is that my thinking of her causes me no pain whatsoever. It’s really nothing anymore. It is over and done and I have processed the pain. I’ve moved on, and have no reason to think of her unless I CHOOSE to. She is of no consequence to me anymore, and that is a beautiful place to be. I’ve waited a long time to get here. I’ve arrived ;)

      • The post where you gave the many ways the OW will think of you during her life as a single mom touched me as I am in this situation but it is a bit different.

        My husband had nothing to do with the OW but is involved with the children he had with her ..and has left our home and distanced himself from our children in order to do ‘what is right’

        The OW wanted to become a ‘single mom’ as some of you may have read in my other posts. She ‘read’ my husband well in that one of his reasons for not leaving his marriage was that he was intent upon being SEEN as a “good” husband and father.

        She has not ‘suffered” loss unless you count not being married but that was nothing of true value to her in the first place .She did not enter into relationship with my husband for money, at least it was not apparent right at first ….she made six figures by urging my husband to hire her and then became his business partner …something she nor he was not aware of the financial perks as he could not always keep for his own the income from his business, something within the policy of his company,

        Her life choices have been totally demonstrating no real concern for the moral upbringing of those children nor even for their phyical food if it interrupted her own plans. She has had several men in her life since my husband ceased to have relations with her. She has not shown one bit of sorrow over the ‘loss’ of my husband in her life . In truth she seems to have manipulated him through his concern for the welfare of those children . He is easily moved by this because of the length of time and energy he put into being ‘in ‘ the children’s lives..even as he spread his affection and resources thinly for our own family.

        Bonding happened for HIM …but is a question about her own concern for the children. She seems to have orchestrated crisis after crisis in effort to keep my husband feeling concern and responsibility for HER choices….and now she continues to move on to do the same if possible with others.

        Presently she has used her children to gain more income from a dying half brother who she had no relationship with before ….but money is money and the woman must take care of her desires despite what the cost.

        Recently she sent her young teen daughter to visit this man ….she could not take the time even as she is not employed. This woman is turning fifty soon….and has not had the least concern about her parasitical life nor it’s effect upon how it teaches her children that casual sex is nothing more than exercise and a way to make money …and other people are ‘resources’ for meeting her desires and needs.

        Her children have been given attention by my husband but that too is calculated by an internet search that qualifies a good father by amounts of time spent with the children saying 15 minutes three times a week is ‘sufficient’

        The secular world is full of such ideas…another is that people beloong to themselves and that they are free to do whatever they want and can without taking any responsibity for how their choices effect others.

        It may shock them to learn that ALL people BELONG to GOD since they have been bought with a price…we are not our own …so that changes EVERYTHING .

        or SHOULD

        Still the idea that we are under the authority of GOD is so offensive that fallen man has made gods in his own image to please his own appetites unfettered by conscience…In the Bible Romans Chapter one tells us about the resulting mess that brings about within and without man apart from GOD .

        These kids do not lack for their biological father being ‘in ‘ their lives but they do lack a true fathering experience wherein they are instructed in the way that GOD tells us the father is responsible to go. One of those truths is that a man is to leave his father and mother and CLEAVE UNTO HIS WIFE …and they two will be as ONE as GOD has made marriage and instructed man how to live in what is to be a blessing .

        Mankind in effort to please his own flesh has decided to redefine all relationships but that does not change the truth that marriage is ONE man and ONE woman and they are ONE flesh FOR LIFE.

        The young boy once asked my husband with sorrow , “Why don’t you stay over night at our house? I am the only kid whose dad does not live with them”

        My husband …not wanting this child to feel odd which telling him the TRUTH might have done …simply told him that he was ‘not the only one whose dad did not live with him’

        Now this may seem kind , and it may also be the reality but it does nothing to teach the child what is right.

        It is this situation that my husband and this woman have created from their selfish sinful disregard for the outcomes beyond their desire to see what ‘love like theirs could bring forth’ that will furture dim the light of truth in the life of not only THIS child and his judgment for making decisions in his ownl ife but it further gives weight and approval to others that marriage does not matter and children can thrive and adjust by accepting as normal what GOD calls sinful and He also says that sin kills.

        So what would you suggest a man do if he wants to be a ‘good father’

        The systems of man that see human’s as ‘resources’ does not really concern itself with what is sinful …right or wrong is defined by what is beneficial to the state.

        In the mean time the godly jurisdiction of fatherhood which is given much direction and instruction in the Word not only for the father but for the benefit of the CHILD and the future function of society is abandoned

        People do not have a far sighted appreciation for their momentary pleasure …it WILL come to pass that the seeds of sin planted WILL bring forth a bitter crop.

        These kids DO have my husband “IN” their lives but his refusal to take to heart what it is to BE a father is going to eventually be seen as these kids live what they have learned.

        The girl has already informed my husband she “Hates Christians’ ….the apple does not fall far from the tree. He is teaching them …not what he thinks …what he is doing is what HE thinks is good or good ‘enough’ while damaging and hurting those who ARE his covenant jurisdiction.

        He will answer for his choices …even if he ends up to be born again , saved by the Lord his choices have bankrupted his treasures in heaven and harmed the very people he SAYS he ‘loves’

        Man ‘s definitions of love are not the same as GOD ‘s revealed definitions…It takes more than a “driveby hug’ and a lunch a couple of times a week.

        His life demonstrates that truth, marriage, loyalty and honesty are not as important as making someone feel good …while hurting those who he was GIVEN to care for in his marriage and family.

        Situation ethics, secular humanism, and relativism are life destroying concepts.

        He and the OW are good examples of it but still think they are being good….the fruit is going to come forth and that cannnot be denied even as we see some of it coming up now as those kids are growing older.

    • Opps,… here is another one projecting her perverted, sick world views, reminding us that we should “put aside the dislike for the mother”.
      Yeah, They always focus on reminding us that “it is about them” and “what is in it for them”… not at all about…. what is best for all. TYPICAL Narcissist thinking.

  9. I thought of something as I watched Hannity’s audience commenting upon the debachery of the Spring Break situation . Some of the men seemed to continue to think as the world has thought that ‘boys will be boys’ and that they would allow their sons to go to such places and take part but not their daughters.

    I wonder if they have considered the women their sons sow their ‘wild oats ‘ with as someone’s daughter ? Their comments were that they were just ‘whores anyway’ ….or some other comment conveying such things.

    I read in my Bible that “”he who sowed the ‘tares ‘ is the devil’

    The devil makes use of people who are clueless and not trained up to respect GOD or know how to live so that they do not open themselves up to be useed by the devil to deceive and defile themselves and others.

    Our culture promotes sexuality without boundaries …the ONLY place I know of that offers wisdom and defense against the onslaught of peer pressure and worldly recreational attitudes about our bodies is the Word of GOD. Failing to be taught, to learn or willing to be taught these things the worldly school system has wrong many generations now indocrinated to believe sexuality , drugs and such are simply ‘recreational’ and ‘harmless’ and boundaries and laws are mere ‘suggestions’

    I see it on our highways all the time…the speed limit according to recent polls are seen as ‘suggestions”

    Anything that is restrictive to personal ‘freedom’ is considered ‘intolerant’ and ‘prudish’ to those who want what they want when they want it how they want it and at anyones expense without consideration for it’s outcome, effects upon their own lives or others.

    This attitude is not a secret and is not unaddressed through the WARNINGS found in the Bible but there again without meekness to the authority of God or trust in the way the Bible is truth people ignore it or think they already ‘know’ what it says and has been set aside as antiquated or worse ‘full of errors’ as said by anti christian ‘scholars’ who rage agaainst any restriction to their own agenda.

    Whether in a place of ‘power ‘ in government or being a father of the governent of his own body and his own family …this age is more and more casting off wisdom and thought of the future health and welfare of our children and society in favor of instant gratification of urges , appetites and desires unfettered.

    Women who are being used as the OW are many times those who are fully aware of the way their involvement with a married man harms others….they have bought the lie that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and the girl who pleases the most men ‘wins’ …thanks to many of the celebs paraded forth before young women whose daddy’s are too busy indulging their own whims.

    Our wandering husbands have ignored the need to become aware of their vulnerabilities or have believed they are entitled to be ‘happy’ at any expense to others.

    My own husband said that he thought he was not ‘cut out’ for marriage….Well the news from the Bible is that it is MARRIAGE that continues to mature and form a person OUT of their self centered life.

    I asked him how he would have managed his considerable sexual appetite which is normal and good within marriage …and he said he would be “free to live his life’…I brought to his consideration that he could not identify using women who were even consenting as a ‘good ‘ thing because it steals from them what they themselves do not realize ..

    Any man that will not man up to keep his word …in any venue but especially in marriage is actually broadcasting that he is too selfish and immature to keep his vows…IF he says he does not know how to deal with the things that offend him in his wife or in dealing with the things of marriage but will not SEEK HELP and be willing to learn then he is confessing he is too proud to learn .

    I think a husband how HAS cheated but is willing to submit to learning what to do to heal and learn how to live rightly in his marriage deserves support and opportunity to learn and to build trust .

    I believe women who remain ”open’ to men who are too cowardly to keep their vows and offer them an ‘alternative ‘ thinking to themselves the wife is not being a good wife …are deceived.

    Plenty of women are doing their level best to please an immature and selfish man who has taken the world’s word for it that his infidelity does not matter and those hurt by it are on their own to deal with it .

    If that is the case then everyone violated by some theif, murderer, or offender that breaks the laws of man would be expected to just ‘deal with it’

    Those who break man’s laws are accoutable to man’s judicial system because justice and retribution is part of how the laws work and people demonstate and expectation of the laws being kept …otherwise why do we have any legal or police system?

    Those who break the laws of God which are set forth for our benefit and protection will also give an accounting …

    THe Savior paid our ‘fine’ in full because God is not only love but also must deal with sin justly.

    The people who are living in such abandonment to sin are not loving .

    Love does no ill to his neighbor.l

    The loving thing to do when a woman approches a man is to speak to her of her need for a Savior …my husband HAD that option but had long since begun to seek out what use other people were to his ‘needs’

    A man does not “NEED” sex to survive…our culture and even in my schooling the teaching about sex was skewed …we heard that for a young man to get an erection and not have an emission was going to harm him! What a LIE

    God directs us to control our appetites for our GOOD…and HE is wise…He does not ask a man to go without food or water but he DOES command him to govern his own flesh and so a man CAN but has to be willing to and to learn HOW to live so he is not walking around enflamed in his flesh and then trying to justify his sin having not heeded the means to do so!

    We live in a hypersexualized world and with many magazines and books that encourage people to do things which are not healthy or safe many times.

    There is one phrase of wisdom kids may not be hearing ..”Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD”

    The temptations coming at kids and grown ups are ‘I dare you’ to do whatever is in front of them…what do we have to prove ? NOTHING because the truth is that we are safest when we are more concerned with pleasing GOD than pleasing other people.

    No matter who is harming us we do not have to like it but we are instructed to pray that they will become part of the solution in Christ rather than to continue in deception and die in their sins all the while doing more damage to themselves and others.

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